Thoughts but no action

[fluttershyy]

I just wanted to vent a bit. I have lots of thoughts but no plans of action. Like on the surface I am doing okay, I have a wonderful partner, we have a safe apartment, we can pay our bills and have 2 cats. But I dont have a job, im studying something that is really challenging and takes up a lot of my time. I cannot sleep at night but during the day I sleep so much (my class is in the evening 3 nights a week) and I just eat. I always feel unwell, whether it be a headache, period pain, some sort of neck or back pain, stomach issues or the onset of a cold. And if its not physical, something within my social life or whatever happens and it sends me back to bed.

I have no motivation and I am stuck in a loop. Unfortunately I have run out of cash and cannot afford to see my psych/psychiatrist until I finish my course and get a job. I am about 5 homework assignments behind in my course and finding it really challenging. Tonight I had to leave my class early because my instructor started making jokes about strippers and I found it offensive. (I dont like humor that punches down) and the other people in my class said I didnt need to get offended. But i did.

I feel that everything would be better if I didnt exist anymore. My partner wouldnt have to look after me when they come home from work and deal with the fact that I never clean and they wouldnt have to support me. I wouldnt have any money stress anymore. I feel like a burden on a LOT of people and constantly seeking validation from people. I always wonder what they would feel if I wasnt around anymore because they always make me feel awful, so in a way I want them to have guilt for not giving me what I want.

I assure you that I am safe though, I have the thoughts but no action plan. I love my partner very much, but I feel like he could do better than me. There is a high chance that we wont be able to have kids as well and that is playing on my mind, but I push it to the back because I am studying at the moment.

Thank you for reading.

[Sophie_M]

Hey Fluttershyy, welcome to our friendly online community, we are so glad you decided reach out tonight and look for support. We know it can be hard to write the first post, so thank you for having the courage to put yourself out there. We hope you can find what you need here.
 
We are sorry to hear that you have been having difficult thoughts and haven’t been sleeping well at all. It sounds like you are having a really tough time at the moment, and this is all being compounded with school and financial stress.
 
Thank you for letting us know that you are safe, if you feel like things might change or that you are experiencing increased distress we would encourage you to call 000 or visit your nearest emergency department.
 
We would like to provide you with some helplines could give you some extra support while you are unable to see your psych. If you feel like talking to someone would help, please feel free to contact our Support Service. They are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636.  One of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and can offer support, advice and referrals.

Otherwise, if you feel like things are a bit overwhelming, you can also get in touch with our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).
 

[therising]

Hi fluttershyy

I truly feel for you so much as you face overwhelming challenges in so many ways.

It's amazing how we can be managing quite a number of challenges and when those challenges become almost 100% intolerable, we forget to give our self credit for making it up to that point. This can often be the point of pure exhaustion, one that's almost disabling.

Sometimes, it's not until someone points out exactly what we're dealing with that we can be led to say 'Oh my god, under the circumstances I'm actually a bit of a legend to have made it this far!' It sounds like you're working hard to manage life while thoroughly exhausted, an almost impossible task. Can't help but wonder whether any friends or family have questioned this and the possible causes of your incredibly low energy levels.

While depression definitely comes with its own disabling low levels of energy, I'm wondering whether there are other culprits at play. To manage not returning to depression, I've tried to establish a kind of 'energy checklist' for myself, so as to identify my triggers. I wonder what your checklist would look like. Maybe

• If there is high energy level work to be done (mentally or physically), is there enough energy going in to be able to manage the work? Resources: The right kind of sleep, food, hydro power (filtered water preferably), solar power (vitamin D) and the list goes on
• If there's the need to run on inspiration, are you surrounded by people who don't take you there? Do your people leave you vibing at some depressing level or do a lot of them actually bring you down, draining you?
• Are you trying to manage course work designed by who have exceedingly high expectations? Is the work put together by people who've designed it for high functioning folk with the super natural ability to run on pure adrenaline? Is the amount of work involved highly questionable?
• Are thoughts leading you to mental and physical exhaustion? Are your thoughts so intense that they're impacting your nervous system, putting it into hyperactivity? Are you trying to manage anxiety?
• With there being energy in chemistry, have you thought about exploring your chemistry? Getting the GP to check what your iron, b12 and thyroid levels are doing could be an idea. Any aspects of the body that give us energy are worth looking into when we just don't have enough of it. B12 deficiency is a super zapper, believe me

Give yourself credit for trying to run on empty. Running on empty can be mind altering, if done for long enough.

🙂