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The thoughts are strong
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Hi Kitty88
I've been wondering all morning what to say to you that would make some difference. I thought maybe if I could relate better to where you are, maybe that could be it.
Just want to let you know that I can understand what depression can do to you over time. Looking back, I believe I was headed into a depression around 16. Came to really feel it around 20. At around 28 or so I hit my lowest point. I can recall sitting there on my own thinking 'I just can't do this anymore'. This life was not what I signed up for. I resigned myself to the idea that it was time to call it a day. It is a deeply deeply heartbreaking moment when this happens. I remember sobbing uncontrollably for hours until I was thoroughly exhausted and took action. It was not long before regret sunk in. It was in this moment where I realised that it's not that I wanted to go, it's just the fact that I couldn't stay (doing this life), if that makes sense. I called a friend who took me to hospital. When I came out, I knew I had to find an anchor to keep me here. I chose my nephew, who would be the most devastated to lose me. I would stay for him. After having 2 kids of my own over time, my 2nd led me to attend PND group therapy, which led to the most mind altering experience I've ever had. At 35, I suddenly found myself out of depression. I've been raising myself ever since. I'm 50 now. It has been a long and somewhat deeply depressing journey to get here.
The reason I tell you this is because, with all my heart, I want you to stay and come to know your natural self, who you really are, outside of depression. I want you to know all the sensitivities responsible for having got you to where you are. And I want you to come to know the actual up side of being a highly sensitive person. It may sound selfish but I desperately want you to stay.
Looking back, it is now easy for me to recognise what and who led me into my depression, what and who led me to stay in it for so long. I believe, when we are basically raised and basically loved, basically is sometimes just not enough, especially for those who are sensitive to the need for more than just the basics.
I believe, possibly the hardest thing to do in this world is raise our self, even under the best of circumstances. Under the worst, it can feel impossible, I know. The very depths, the lowest point of depression is as bad as it gets, where the pain is excruciating. I want you to know there is more than one way out.
I hope you return here
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Lately, I just feel fed up with being let down all the time and having to deal with everything on my own. I'm sick of noone caring about me at all and feeling so lonely and depressed all the time, I don't want to be hurting anymore. My head has been wandering a lot with negative thoughts lately, contemplating it all, it's just so hard I feel so torn. I'm just worn out, I need a break but it just never seems to come
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Hi Kitty88
It's heartbreaking to hear that you're surrounded by people who are not committed enough to raising you. I can relate to how truly horrible this can feel. It can be such a depressing feeling. I think what triggers me the most when this happens can involve the fact that people don't believe they're doing anything wrong. What I mean is they may see nothing wrong with comments such as 'You should just toughen up, you're too sensitive' or 'You need to just get on with life and stop analysing everything'. There can be a whole list of comments which are in fact pretty thoughtless and insensitive. Even simple comments made by people who mean well can have a negative impact, such as 'If you just smile more often, you'll be happier'. The amount of times I heard this during my years in depression is countless. How we absorb all the little comments can have a significant impact on us.
For me, managing to stay out of depression involves a lot of strategy. One of the many ways I manage is through observing others. With the temptation at times to ask or state 'What's wrong with me?!', I try to remain conscious of the need to ask the question 'What's wrong with that person? How and why are they leading me to feel down?' Family members are good to test this on, as they're often the people we're around the most (opportunity for greater observation). Who's the family member that triggers you the most, in the way of mental health? Chances are you have the opposite nature to them. Example
- You are thoughtful or analytical/they are thoughtless
- You are sensitive/they are insensitive
- You are more natural/they are somewhat materialistic
- You are more so an inspiring person at times (raising people)/they are more so a judgemental or critical person (bringing or putting people down)
So, in summary, you can be a thoughtful, sensitive (important trait if you want to feel your way through life), natural and inspiring person. That family member can be thoughtless, insensitive, unnatural and degrading.
I feel, one of the greatest challenges in life involves managing people. How are you managing the people around you? Are you up for the challenge of managing them? I warn you, when you begin managing people, it does tend to trigger them, to either anger or greater consciousness. When others are not accountable for their words and actions or inaction, it is often us who can feel the pain. If we're sensitive to the faults in others, we can feel the impact of these faults.
🙂
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Hi Kitty88, I know you posted this a few years ago but it came up in new threads, so I thought I'd pop in and say hi.
Are you ok, are you safe?
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Things have been really hard still, I swear I can just never catch a break. I have been trying so hard to fight and get help, get support, to just get out of this rut but it's like no matter what I do I seem to remain here and continuing to do it on my own. It's lonely, very lonely and the last few weeks alone have been very challenging with alot of health issues, some that were quite scary and having noone there to even talk to about it has been hard and makes me wonder why I bother. Everything is just so complicated and I don't know what do
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We are so sorry to hear how difficult things are for you at the moment and how lonely you are feeling. We are glad that you have taken the time to share how you are feeling with our community. We want to let you know that you have come to a safe, non-judgemental space and that our community are here to offer you as much support and conversation as you need. Please feel free to post here when you are feeling lonely.
If you feel it may be helpful, we recommend reaching out to our support service who are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat from 3pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport. It might be helpful to join a support group to try and build a social network in your area. You can also find information on support groups is available on the Black Dog Institute site here - https://www.blackdoginstitute.org.au/resources-support/support-groups/.
In overwhelming moments, services like Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467) may be of use.
Please feel free to keep reaching out here on your thread whenever you feel up to it.
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We are so sorry to hear how difficult things are for you at the moment and how lonely you are feeling. We are glad that you have taken the time to share how you are feeling with our community. We want to let you know that you have come to a safe, non-judgemental space and that our community are here to offer you as much support and conversation as you need. Please feel free to post here when you are feeling lonely.
If you feel it may be helpful, we recommend reaching out to our support service who are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat from 3pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport. It might be helpful to join a support group to try and build a social network in your area. You can also find information on support groups is available on the Black Dog Institute site here - https://www.blackdoginstitute.org.au/resources-support/support-groups/.
In overwhelming moments, services like Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467) may be of use.
Please feel free to keep reaching out here on your thread whenever you feel up to it.
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We are so sorry to hear how physically sick, worn out, let-down, lonely and depressed you are feeling. It sounds like everything has been really tough for a while now, and you're feeling quite over it all and don't know where you're place or purpose in the world lies right now. I imagine all of those thoughts and feelings would be really challenging and incredibly overwhelming to deal with. We're glad you've reached out to us to express yourself, and we hope that doing so has at least helped you feel slightly better. Please know that you are not alone and that we are here for you.
If at any time, these thoughts and feelings become too overwhelming for you, please remember that there is help out there:
- Our friends at Lifeline are also available anytime on 13 11 14 or you can visit https://www.lifeline.org.au/Get-Help/Online-Services/crisis-chat for online chat.
- Suicide Call Back Service are also available 24/7 on 1300 659 467 or you can visit their website for online chat: https://www.suicidecallbackservice.org.au/phone-and-online-counselling/.
- If things are seeming too overwhelming and you’re at unable to keep yourself from acting on your thoughts about suicide or self-harm this is an emergency and you need to call 000 (triple zero).
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Hi Kitty88
It's an absolutely torturous feeling, to reach complete and utter intolerance. Others can be so cruel in the way they lead us to feel this on such an incredibly deep level. It can make you want to slap people and scream at them 'WAKE UP! DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT THIS IS DOING TO ME?!!!!!'
May sound a little simple minded but I believe our purpose in life is to come to know our self better. From my experience, this cannot be done 'inside the square', so to speak. Inside the square can be depressing and soul destroying a lot of the time, filled with mental and social conditioning. Inside the square is where conventional medicine is these days, where people vibe at some basic level and where the world looks hopeless and uncaring. Tolerating things inside the square can be heartbreaking. Gradually dying of a broken heart is such an extraordinarily painful experience.
So, what does outside the square look like? Have you ever considered venturing there? When I say 'Outside the square', what comes to mind for you in the way of greater mental, physical and natural well being? Doesn't matter how 'out there' it sounds by the way.
🙂
