The inner pain that is killing and destroying me, and the life I never deserved

[Darkmaster]

I am literally one of the saddest person you have ever come across. I had literally endured loneliness, bullying (school, social media, in public, etc.), trauma from unhappy experiences, no partner and friends, other mental illnesses (autism, OCD, schizophrenia) ...all signs of a mundane and miserable life. I even attempted suicide twice but failed, and literally cried at night in bed sometimes. I hardly talk, lack trust and shy away from outside people. I feel like no one cares or hated (by majority of the public). I could hardly get what I desperately want in life. I had no motivation, courage, hope or drive to do things, am withdrawn to my recluse life. Why me? Why must I suffer? I deserve better like everyone else, why must it be this way? Never have I ever got respect, appreciation or empathy from outside people. Depression to them is such nonsense. They either shut you down or berate you. They are never a call or text away like they normally promise. Words of comfort are nothing if they can't be there when you desperately need them to. Guess I'll disappear, it will only afterwards then they realise they need to start putting in more efforts and take it with more priorities. I have no faith in humanity anymore.

[Sophie_M]

Hey Darkmaster, 

Welcome to the Beyond Blue forum,

We're so sorry to hear of the trauma you've been through and can hear the impact it's had on your self-esteem. We agree that you deserve better and that you are deserving of respect, empathy and care. It sounds as though the people around you aren't offering the support you need at the moment. We want you to know that many caring and lovely people exist who want to see you well and that there are options for support available to you. 

Can we ask, do you have any mental health support? We understand it can be really tough to cope sometimes, especially if you don't have a lot of support from family or friends. If you would like some help finding mental health support, we would recommend that you get in contact with the Beyond Blue Support Service. They are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport. They will give you support and point you in the right direction for help in your area.

Please remember to reach out when you're feeling overwhelmed and needing to talk it through. You're never alone. In these moments you can get in touch with our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467).

We hope that you keep checking in to let us know how you're going, whenever you feel up to it.

[Katyonthehamsterwheel]

Hi Darkmaster

I'm sorry you sound in so much pain. Some of us really struggle in life, and at making connections, and I don't know why that is. Others seem to find life so much easier. I want you to know that you're not the only one though. There's more of us, here on the forums, and you're very welcome to join in and chat here, if you like. I find life less lonely when I come here and chat, and I've been here a while now.

Like Sophie, I'm wondering if you have any mental health support? It sounds like things are hard right now, but you don't have to do it alone.

Katy

[Darkmaster]

Hi Katy, thank you for the concern and care. I do see a psychologist from time to time but he doesn't seem to care enough to show how serious it is, as if it is such a small matter to not take it too seriously. The medications I take do not help either, and most of the time I do not get along with my family. I have hardly any friends and never could find a partner of my liking. I tried taking my feelings on social media but no one seems to care there. Plus groups on social media are extremely toxic and bias. I am struggling with finding people out there who will offer true friendship or relationship that will last, but it doesn't seem it will happen. Most of those people I meet just see me for one time, others just ghost me and I never kept in touch with them ever again. I take a lot of depression sleep and my mood is literally sunk to it's mundane depths. The only way I find that could heal my broken heart and soul is if I have a partner of my liking to support me emotionally and mentally, just as I will support her the same way. I guess no one ever cares of my gentleman manners or etiquettes...life really doesn't favour me.

Darkmaster