The Fine Line

[pl515p1]

Yesterday I stupidly went into my father's room for the first time since I found him, I thought I was...but it was too overwhelming for me. And last night was possibly the deepest, crushing pain I have ever felt, for the first time I wanted it to go away so much, I just wanted to go to sleep and never wake up.

I told my counsellor today what I thought about, and also what I had written down during the night, as I seemingly had tied up loose ends and thanked people in a letter I wrote, presumably to sort out my affairs in preparation of something.

She was immediately concerned, and asked me if this was a cry for help and if she should call an ambulance.

This is where I am confused, I myself do not know why I have penned a 5 page letter like this, I wrote it in the midst of excruciating pain and grief, I did not want to be here anymore at that time because the pain was too much, but I don't want to die either.

I don't think not wanting to be here is the same as actively wanting my life to end, if my life was threatened or in danger I would fight for my life, I know dad would never give up, and he would not want me to give up, I was thinking how dad would react if he found me, if he found me that way it would destroy him. I can see him trying to wake me up and falling apart crying, as I was when I found him, I don't want to hurt dad, I

Dad went through far too much for me to throw it all away.

I think telling her and showing her my letter actually means I want to fight to stay, fight through the pain. I have never in my life felt this way, I could have threw it all away in that moment, a scary feeling I hope I never feel again.

My GP offered me sleeping aid today, I declined, I think that was wise.

Is this normal for trauma and grief? I have never lost someone so close before, my thoughts and emotions are out of control, I can be ok one moment, and then some smell or sound sparks my synapses, and sends my senses into freefall, I cry so hard my nose flows like a tap, I breathe so rapidly I feel as if I am about to pass out.

I have tried to breathe slowly and close my eyes, time can seem to stand still whenever it feels malicious, mocking you with each second.

[Sophie_M]

Hi pl515p1, 

We're so sorry to hear about this excruciating pain, it really sounds like a truly awful experience. Please know that you do not have to endure these difficult moments alone. If you feel like it could be helpful, there are a number of support services that can offer comfort, kindness and compassion during intense and distressing times like the one you've described, such as; Griefline (1300 845 745), Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467). 

The latter two may also be able to help you stay safe, especially during times where the difference between wanting to escape and wanting to die are not as easily recognised. Today, however, sounds like you're really thinking about how to care for yourself. Well done for taking a step back and finding time to slow down your breathing.

Please keep reaching out here on your thread whenever you feel up to it.

[Croix]

Dear Pl515p1~

I can understand you writing out your pain, I've done that , I also at the time did not understand why and wondered if it was a suicide note. These gave me mixed feelings, but mostly fright of what I might do.

I think showing them to your counselor was a great thing to do, however it might leave you wondering if you will have to face that same situation again -I hope you do not.

Do you have a safety plan? I have one I can just reach out of without thinking if I start to reach the stage where I might be thinking of taking my life, or frighted I might. It is something you fill in advance, with all sorts of things, not just the usual crisis numbers, but I have music, You Tube clips of comedians, movies I can watch and umpteen other things

It is free, fits on a smartphone, is called BeyondNow, and can be found here :

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/beyondnow-suicide-safety-planning

The thing that turns this into something that really works is the choice of things you put in, and that is not easy, I never did fill in all the 'reasons for living' but have heaps on what might make me feel better -and they do.

To be quite honest my first attempt to fill it in was hopeless, I simply could not remember what had given me pleasure or made me laugh in the past. It took another that knew me well and cared about me to remind me of all those things.

It is worth an hour or so to have something you can simply reach for.

Croix

[bettertomorrows]

Hi pl515p1,

My heart goes out to you as you're going through something so painful and difficult, but I really admire your strength and your desire to fight on. I understand how scary, confusing and confronting that fine line might be - between wanting to feel at peace and suicide. For me personally, it was extremely scary when my counsellors asked me if I was suicidal, because I didn't think I was but I have now realised that it was a slippery slope if I hadn't been caught in my downward spiral of thoughts.

I agree with you in that you seeking help is definitely a good think that speaks of your will to stay here and to keep living on. Sophie and Croix have shared very good information, that it is important to have a safety plan in case, as you have mentioned, you feel again in the moment to throw it all away.

Surviving the death of a loved one can be incredibly traumatic and the grief can sometimes sneak up on us when we least expect it... Just wondering if you have spoken to your counsellor about the loss of your dad as they can offer helpful information and strategies to cope and grieve.

Please take care pl515p1, we are here for you

Boo

[pl515p1]

Thanks for the support, I downloaded the app and put what I honestly felt.

I shared it...may have been ill thought out on my behalf, as it caused concern to those who saw it, now they are watching me closer, pressure to not let them down, the same pressure not to let dad down.

They cry and tell me please don't leave, how much dad did for me to get to where I am, how dad is so proud of me, and how much he loves me...They tell me not to give up hope, but the thing is, the only thing I hope for, is to see dad again, and no matter how hard I work, how hard I try, no matter how many times I go to counselling, no matter what I do, it can never solve the issue that I most need fixing...I just want my father back.

So this is where I am, caught between two planes of existence, my dreams where I see dad again and I am happy, and reality, where he is gone and I feel so lost.

I have one foot in each, but I cannot fully exist in either.

So I must walk this tightrope for as long as I can, until an acceptable time comes, where, be it from old age or whatever my health brings forth, I am allowed to finally anchor myself as a whole again, wherever that is.

That is a long walk without a net.

[Croix]

Dear pl515p1~

I beleive they are taking the wrong approach. While all he things that say about your dad may be true, it is the things that distract, amuse, remind you of good times and generally made you feel hapy in the past that are -at least in my case - truly useful when overwhelmed. So rather than have them and you distressed, switch their minds to remembering what you enjoyed

There is honestly nothing wrong with listening to a comedian or re-reading a book that made you feel good or whatever else you might like - it is therapy.

And that is one reason to include another to help you, someone who can remember for you what you enjoyed and then you can enter it in.

Talk of your dad is a reminder of a terrible experience, greif and loss. Your mind really does need to be steered elsewhere.

Croix

[geoff]

Hello Pl51p1, my apologies for not picking up your thread before because I take your comment with a great deal of sympathy and sorrow for losing your dad and how devastating this would be for you.

I understand what you are saying 'I go to counselling, no matter what I do, it can never solve the issue that I most need fixing...I just want my father back', and if I can add, it's not that you yourself want to pass away, it's only that you don't want to exist and may cause several different levels of depression that can change at any moment or triggered by something else.

I'm not a doctor and not qualified to mention this but learning from my own experiences helps me able to relate to what you're saying.

All you want is for the pain to go away and it's only that you don’t want to exist the way you're existing at the present time, and life can look either good or bad on the outside, but no one can see how you are inside your mind until you feel capable to start opening up.

You are what you are, you can't live your life how people expect you to live, sure there are times when we accommodate the person we love and I feel sorry for you, but believe me, this will give you enormous experience.

Take care.

Geoff.