The constant struggle.

[Centaured]

Why do I wake with thoughts of wanting to die...the struggle of the previous day hasn't stopped and it has already started from the moment my eyes open and will last til I close them again and then continue to go on until sleep takes me or I give in. I have found nothing really seems to give me relief from these thoughts.

So what is so bad about my life you may ask. What is so wrong or bad my existence that is the only thing ever in my head. Well nothing really, so I don't know why I want to die. I just do. I just need every to stop. I want the only permanent solution to my life.

I'm tired of dealing with this all the time. I'm tired of fighting that person in my head that tells me to do it. I'm just tired.

[Sophie_M]

Hey Centaured,

Thanks for sharing this update. We are really sorry to hear that you are having these distressing thoughts of suicide. We can hear that you have had an incredibly difficult time over the weekend.

We’re reaching out to you privately to offer some support. If you’d like to reach us directly, please give us a call on the Beyond Blue Support Service. We are available 24/7 on 1300 22 4636 or online and it can be helpful just to talk it through with someone. If you’re struggling with these thoughts, maybe it would be helpful to talk it through on the phone while you wait for your case manager to arrive.

Hopefully, the community will spot this update at some point and get back to you. Maybe you could share a bit more with them about what’s going on for you right now, or what might help you to see a bit more hope?

We know you have had a difficult time with emergency departments, so if you feel that you can't stay safe please call your case manager straight away. You can also call Lifeline on 13 11 14 anytime.

We think that it takes a lot of courage to reach out and share and we are so thankful that you have. We can also see that you've been supporting others on the forums - this is such a powerful example of the value you bring to this community. Thank you.

Kind regards,

Sophie M

[therising]

Hi Centaured

What an overwhelmingly torturous weekend. I feel for you so very deeply. Endurance through depression is a reflection of great strength. Such strength cannot be denied even when a person is thoroughly worn down, with an obvious desperation to escape. Do not deny your strength up to this point.

Have been doing a lot of research recently into 'executive function'. I'm researching ways for my 19yo daughter to manage moving above and beyond the overwhelming struggles she currently faces. With mention of your own struggle to function in ways that people suggest, I couldn't help but google 'Depression and executive function' a few seconds ago, out of sheer curiosity. How the 2 relate is interesting. Whether it relates to depression or ADHD, a lack of executive function can make life almost impossible to manage at times. I'll offer a list I found when it comes to executive function:

• Organising, prioritising and action
• Focusing, sustaining and shifting attention to task
• Regulating alertness, sustaining effort
• Managing or regulating emotions
• Utilising working memory and accessing recall
• Monitoring and self-regulating action

So, while someone facing depression could be beating themself up for not being able to achieve what appears fairly straight forward, they can actually be trying to cope with significant issues that relate to a lack of executive function specifically.

While we could be advised to 'Get out there and exercise by walking to the local shops' it's not so simple. The lead up in walking to the shop, how we're going to walk to the shop in a way that's motivating, what plan we have when we get to the shop and how we're going to manage walking home becomes important. Perhaps we simply can't do it on our own and need someone to walk with. Are we going to 'talk' our way to the shop, with a friend, for example? Is that the only thing that's going to work, to begin with, before we can manage on our own?

Perhaps a part of what could help with depression comes down to how we're going to manage strengthening/exercising executive function aspects of our brain.

[Centaured]

My executive functioning doesn't seem to exist. 

On Monday my case manager put me in ED for a few days. I got home yesterday but not coping. I saw my behavioural specialist today, finally saw her after months thanks to my NDIS funding. It was a weird time. We were planning stuff for my new accommodation and trying to work out warning signs and triggers. It really stressed me out. 

I have good news, I'm looking into three properties tomorrow. But I can't seem to cling to the hope anymore. I'm just so flat and worn out. 

My case manager is coming for our regular Thursday appointment soon. I'm scared she'll put me back in hospital. 

I ask myself why does it have to be like this, but I don't do anything to change it. I guess I'm like that joke of crazy, knowing things such but not doing anything to change, unable to more like it. Its too  hard to be alive. . Idk what to do with myself anymore. 

[Sophie_M]

Hi Ceantaured

We are really sorry to hear that you are feeling distressed, we can hear that you have a lot going on right now. We have reached out to you privately to offer support but wanted to jump on this thread quickly too. 

Thank you for sharing your story, even though it is a painful one at the moment. You never know when someone will read your words and feel less alone in their own experience. We value you in this community.

We can see that you have some supports this afternoon but if you do ever feel unsafe please call 000, Lifeline 13 11 14, or Beyond Blue 1300 22 4636. We are all here for you whenever you need us. 

Kind regards,

Sophie M

[Centaured]

There's something I can't share, it's just too hard to explain
I'm barely holding on, it happens every day
Like a desperate dream that never goes away
I'm barely holding on, I'm lost in the wake

-Time: The Devil Wears Prada  

[therising]

Hi Centaured

There are times where I think 'Why won't whatever powers that be give me the answer, some direction, some sort of obvious plan? I don't know what I'm doing anymore or meant to be doing and I'm so worn out trying to figure it all out'. Not sure whether you feel in the times where things aren't as bad 'I think I have this worked out to some degree, what I'm meant to be doing' and then certain triggers lead you swing into enormous self-doubt. It's almost like 'Which is the most accurate reality?'. Is it the one where I have it worked out to some degree or the one that's leading me to feel like I'm deluded, leading me to 'Don't be so rash with your problem solving, give it more thought so you don't regret making such a significant change. What if the change makes no difference or makes things even harder? What if it leads you to regret? How are you going to manage such regret, so it doesn't become depressing?'. I hate where this kind of talk comes from. A lot of the time it ends up dictating 'While what you're facing is depressing and angering, at least it's familiar. Stay working with what's familiar and you can't go wrong. You can manage 'depressing', you've been doing it for years. You're an expert'. It's like a jailer that lets you get your hopes up about your freedom while remaining determined to never let you out.

I think part of it all can come down to a lack of partnership. If I had a partner who always gave me great direction, I'd have no doubt and no choice but the follow such advice. Btw, I finally realised after 20 years that my husband's no partner, in this way. It upsets him too much to feel my sufferance because he 'loves' me so much, so he just detaches from it and leaves me alone to work things out. Sarcasm when I say I'm so relieved for him that he doesn't have to feel what I feel. I know there's something in us that is the best partner, as opposed to the most tormenting one. There's something in us almost screaming 'Listen to me', yet it's too quiet to hear. There can be so much that drowns it out. Remaining determined to find it, to hear it, to feel it (its inspiration) can feel like a seriously brutal test at times. It can become a depressing test, when we can't hear what's there. From my experience, I know it's there. I've heard inspiration come to mind before. To not be able to maintain it can feel heartbreaking at times.

[Centaured]

I feel undeserving of such partner. In my real life I have no one outside my professional support. I have isolated myself for so many years I don't function socially, even at my mtg group. I gave up trying to find solace and direction from people because I'm just too messed up. I don't let anyone get close, not because they'll hurt me, but because I'll hurt them. 

I ended in the ED again last night, I messed up and didn't get to view the properties. Hopefully something comes up next week. 

I feel so over myself. My DID is playing up amongst things. Everyone won't shut up and my head is too full. I spend too much time in dissociation.

[Sophie_M]

Hey Centaured, 

Thanks for sharing an update. We're sorry to hear about last night, and to hear that you're feeling isolated. We hope that you can see this community as a place of connection; we're certainly glad that you're a part of it. eply@beyondblue.org.au

Our team are reaching out to check in, we hope that's ok with you. If you'd like to reach us directly, please do. If you feel you may be unable to avoid acting on thoughts of self-harm or suicide, it's really important to reach out. For crisis support, call Lifeline on 13 11 14. In an emergency, always call triple zero (000), or go to the nearest hospital's emergency department.

Hopefully, we'll hear from the community once people spot your post. In the meantime, it might be good to have another look at the things your friends here have shared to the discussion recently. We're sure they'd love to hear if there's anything that sticks out as helpful or relateable. 

Thanks again for your openness and bravery in sharing an update, Centaured. 

Kind regards, 

Sophie M

[therising]

Hi Centaured

I wish there was something I could say that would make all the difference to you, something where you'd be led to feel like it was some epiphany that could be life altering in a significant way.

Wondering if you've ever explored any outside the square ways of managing DID. What's being offered to you inside the square doesn't sound like it's helping as much as you wish it would. Could some answer lie beyond standard treatments and support? Could it be time to start looking outside the square? Wish I could suggest where to look. The only thing that comes to mind could involve researching 'Non conventional ways of managing Dissociative Identity Disorder' or something along those lines. If you do decide to research, even if it's out of desperation at this point, be careful of certain phrases you come across. Some of them will feel depressing. Phrases such as 'No cure', 'Most people suffer for the whole of their life with DID' etc. You're not looking for 'No cure' or no solution and you're not looking 'to suffer for the rest of your life' so don't look into any articles that suggest such hopelessness. Stuff like this becomes depressing. Makes me think of researching depression. By the way, I know that's a whole different kettle of fish from the complexities you face but when I see articles that point to a person being doomed to suffer with depression for the rest of their life based on genetics, for example, it triggers me. It all sounds so hopeless. Getting a bit side tracked here but bare with me. Epigenetics points to our ability to switch certain genes on and off. The right combination of factors will flick the switch, either way. It's about what leads our genes to be expressed or not expressed. If you specifically research people who've managed to beat certain diseases, most of them have found and routinely practiced what flicked the switch to 'off mode'. Conventional medicine will not call this a cure but label it as 'unproven', 'coincidence', 'unconventional' etc etc, even though such people are living proof such practices worked for them.

If you're looking for hope within standard practices, perhaps that's not where you'll find it. Maybe it's somewhere altogether different. This is what I found with depression.

[Centaured]

No one but Therising seems to see or comment on this thread. 

I had an ok day out today. But now I'm tired and want to hurt myself....when will this shit end. 

Im sick of fighting with all my alters, ever since an anniversary in July they've been pretty rampant. I don't who I am with all these other people in my head. I'm tired of pretending to be ok when obviously I'm not..

I want to run away.