Over the decades of my adult life, those thoughts & feelings, which were so strong during my teenage years, have dwindled down. No longer a raging fire, just an unseasonable warmth in the basement. I have a dim awareness of it, way in the background.
Sure there were times when the fire flared up again.
I'd think about another attempt, just because I hurt so much, & could not imagine living with the pain & other emotions (I hadn't named yet). What kept me going was an idea that I had to wait for the 'right time' or 'permission' - I can't explain.
I didn't act because I don't tend to act. I am quite passive. If something was to happen to me, then so be it, I thought, but I could actively do very little.
People I've heard say, someone is a coward for doing, but I felt a coward for NOT doing , but continuing to accept & obey that thought in my mind that I must wait.
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Looking back, I see I was angry at having these thoughts & feelings, because some people hurt me so much.
If I was to act upon the ideas in my mind, it would be in retaliation, at them, & for how I felt - about how I had reacted. I was angry at my own reactions to being hurt.
If I attempted to, I would only, really, be hurting myself more.
Somewhere along the way, I rejected having been hurt so much & being so angry, as any sort of valid reason for taking my own life. If I was to do that - they would have had the ultimate power over me.
This is where I am now, & why I am still here, with my aches & pains, feelings, thoughts heading towards my next decade, two or three(? who knows?), neither suicidal nor exactly embracing life. Still getting through, not much invested in my own life, but trying to take more of an interest, & more care of it.
mmMekitty
