Tell us your thoughts - What's kept or keeping you here?

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi everyone,

This is not an easy thread to make but I'm doing it because I think it's important.

I can see that you're all hurting and I know because I'm hurting too. Right now I'm in an easier place but it wasn't that long ago where I wasn't. Often we can find lots of reasons why we don't want to be here, and very few reasons that we do. So I'm making this post to bring everyone together to either find reasons to stay or show me why you've stayed. I don't care whether they are small or big reasons. They are reasons.

Please feel free to post below because I want to hear yours, and I want this to be a thread where people who come here can grab onto a reason too.

The reasons why I chose to stay -

- My dogs.

- Planning to die was very complicated.

- I wanted to hold on just in case things got a little bit better.

and now, I'm glad that I stayed. Please know that while suicide will end the pain, it will end your life too - so you'll say goodbye to any opportunities that things might get better. Opportunities for laughter, joy and beautiful memories. Sometimes it's about staying with the pain and finding other ways to let go of it without saying goodbye to our life.

[just-want-to-sleep]

The only thing keeping me here is the fear that an attempt won't work again.

[Guest_1643]

Same, I am scared of judt harming myself and complicating my life by an attempt.

I also tend to live for my therapy appointments. I don't even know why. My therapist isn't so wonderful.

I just find him quirky and warm, and I guess his reassuring presence week after week makes me feel like someone believes in me. I need that external support because left to my own devices, I don't much believe in me, my potential, or my future.

[Jacqui51]

My husband, my animals and a small very small dot of hope tat this time it will be different. This time the psychiatrist does know what they are talking about. This dot has diminished over the years but a microbial speck is there. I love my husband and animals but as I may or may not have shared I have planned to minimise the impact my death would have.

It is that dot and its link to tjis psychiatrist that has me holding on for at least one more week.

[just-want-to-sleep]

I hear you! We sound quite similar with our thoughts.

Whilst I really don't want to be here anymore, I am so scared of making another attempt and it not working. Like you said, making things worse for myself. I couldn't deal with the humiliation again but the thing is, I'm not sure how much longer this will be a reason. Past attempts have been 'spur of the moment' and I feel this could happen again. I just need to be triggered by something.

My psychologist is a sweet lady and she lets me feel and say what I need to. I know she really cares about me. I tell her everything, all the stuff I can't say to family and friends. I don't have to sugar-coat anything; she knows I'm suicidal etc.

She and my GP are my support network.

[Moonstruck]

Hello all....I am not sure why I am writing here except I feel some of you may understand and perhaps even relate to these thoughts and feelings I have had over past months...the catalyst for this frame of mind for me, was I think, the death of my partner. I have lost "myself" since then and cannot find "me".

I don't feel I am alive still... and while not planning any suicidal actual act....feel I have gained some understanding and experience of those who strongly want to and make attempts.

I am of a "mature age" but find that hard to believe or accept. I felt much younger and alive when my partner was here to know me, relate to me, touch me. Now I feel no one sees me and if no one sees me, do I exist?

When someone suicides, friends invariably ask puzzled "WHY didn't he/she SAY something? Why didn't she TELL me how she was feeling?"......I know why. because she cared about you so much she didn't want to burden a friend with that scary knowledge, knowing they wouldn't know what to say or do anyway!

I am seeing a counsellor tomorrow and can at least tell her how I am feeling. I have lovely friends and sometimes want to pick up the phone and beg them for help or just some words!

But I can't do that to them.that's a heavy burden to lay upon them.so that's why, in my opinion, people who suicide don't SAY anything to friends or family.

also I think once a decision has been made, the person sort of "crosses over" before any physical act. I knew someone who died naturally but had accepted the possibility calmly, even willingly .

He did not try to get better, seek treatment or take medical advice which would have helped. This person said several times "I have crossed over already".he stopped caring for himself and seemed at ease with the possibility of death coming soon. Once he had "crossed over to the other side" I could sense there was no coming back for him. He had decided.

the past months has given me more insight into suicide. I know more than I did before. I can see no reason to believe my life will improve . I will never get healthier, stronger, more attractive.my aches and pains and ageing health is only going to worsen, not be "cured" Old age cannot be "cured" or stopped in its tracks.

I don't feel like a woman, just a statistic...a "senior, or elderly citizen" No one relates to me as a woman, so who, or what am I? I don't know how to be anyone else. Where do I go from here? Is it time for me to "cross over to the other side?"

[Sophie_M]

Hi Moonstruck,

Thank you for sharing this here. We can hear you're feeling really low and disconnected sometimes. We're sorry to hear you're feeling like a statistic, that's awful. We know you to be an amazing woman, who shares incredible wisdom and kindness to these forums regularly, making them a much better place than they'd be without you. 

We're happy to hear you're speaking to your counsellor tomorrow. If you'd like to talk things through at any point in the meantime, please remember that we're here for you. As are our friends over at Lifeline on 13 11 14, the Suicide Callback Service on 1300 659 467 and Griefline on 1300 845 745.

It might seem like cold comfort right now, but is there anything you can think of doing that might help you feel a bit more connected to your sense of self? It can be really good to practice a hobby, or do something that you enjoy to try and get that feeling back, of knowing what makes you, you. If you're not up for it right now, it can be good to think about and plan so that there's something nice on your horizon, even if it's sitting in the garden or playing a song you like. 

Thanks again for your courage and strength in sharing here, Moonstruck. Thank you as well for being an important member of our community.

Kind regards, 

Sophie M

[Paw Prints]

Hello Moon,

I want to give you a gentle hug if that is ok...

You do sound as though you are in a dark place... I hope having the counsellor to talk to will over time help you find a way through the darkness.

I don't know how old you are... but you are never too old to find someone who see's you & loves you... I had a relative who outlived 3 husbands... she married her 2nd one in her late 60s & her third in her 80s... it was obvious neither was a marriage just for companionship... both of her husbands clearly saw her as an attractive woman.

I have been suicidal in the past... not wanting to die... just unable to see a reason to go on... at the time all I could see was my life getting worse & being pointless...

I know it is probably hard for you to believe right now... but it is possible to move past these feelings... to find a way through to a place where you will want to go on... where you will enjoy things again... even if at the moment you can't. I'm not going to lie & say it will happen ridiculously quickly... it will take time & I think working through your grief & loss (hopefully with the counsellors help) will be a big part of you coming through this long dark patch. Nor am I going to say it will be all sunshine & roses after... there may be times where something will trigger a rough patch however brief... but hopefully by then you be able to see it is just a phase & you will have the necessary strategies to move through it & out the other side.

I now have an agreement with my sister if I feel I am close to doing something silly... I will ring her (if the middle of the night then I will ring a help line)... I have given her my word & she knows I would never break my word... that stops her worrying about me...

As you say we don't want to burden our friends or family... so I keep that for my psychologist or the helpline... but I am now able to ring my sister because part of the agreement is I don't have to talk about what has brought me to that point... all I have to say about is "I'm in a bad place"... we then talk about anything else from serious world stuff to the banal or silly... surprisingly it does help me to step back from the precipice... it also helps her as she no longer has the worry that she is being kept in the dark as to how I really am.

Just from your posts on bb it is clear you are an intelligent, compassionate woman with a great sense of humour (especially in your posts with Croix)... you can find a newer you.

Paws

[Moonstruck]

Thank you Paws.....your words meant a lot to me. I will write more later here as I go along, if I can...you seem to understand how I feel, so thank you for taking the time.....xx

[Guest_1643]

Hi moonstruck, Ur post really sat with me.

I'm young but feel invisible, feeling seen and wanted was something that made me feel better at times, I don't think u are invisible and the beauty yr partner saw in you was intrinsic to u.

[Croix]

Dear Moon~

I can understand yur feeling the peron you were is no longer there - on the outside at least, and that age does bring physical problems.

I also think you are wrong to give up on being seen as attractive and a person to be with. You have a fund of experiences, wsdom and fun inside you. These are things that become increasingly important as one lives longer on this earth.

As an example if (god forbid) I was ever widower-ed again I could not really relate to someone much less than my own age. One relies far too much on being understood becuse of common experiences, not just the big things like the loss of a partner, but the small things too. Being able to quote a line from a comedy such as

Bernard saying:
"That’s one of those irregular verbs, isn’t it? I give confidential security briefings. You leak. He has been charged under section 2a of the Official Secrets Act."

Or simply referring to "Eee lad we was working 25 hours a day down pitt".

Common ground, be it serious like loss and grief , or lighter material is terribly important, at least for someone like me, and you can offer that to anyone, particularly as you provide the feminine point of view -essential. It offsets a lot of the problems of age. You can be cared for again. It is just people are looking for something other than the attractions of youth with which they have little in common..

There is another aspect too. I spent 18 months around 3 years ago teaching somone all I know about a technical subject so they could take over from me. It was a pleasure and a delight to have my knowledge and experience gratefully received and put to tangible use.

You have skills, eg bowling, that can be not only used yourself when the right tournament comes along, but can also be passed on anytime.

As for burdening others. I have two sorts of people I'd call friends, the majority know nothing of my internal state, but nevertheless can be talked with , joked with and conversed with on all sorts of subjects. It is no burden to them but can give me a great lift.

The other sort are the ones with whom I do confide, chosen in part for their experience, and in part becuse they will not panic or become overly burdened but take a practical approach.

I wonder which sort your son is? Whichever he sounds a light in your life, as I expect do grand-kids.

I think Paw Prints talks a lot of sense

Croix