Tell us your thoughts - What's kept or keeping you here?

[romantic_thi3f]

Hi everyone,

This is not an easy thread to make but I'm doing it because I think it's important.

I can see that you're all hurting and I know because I'm hurting too. Right now I'm in an easier place but it wasn't that long ago where I wasn't. Often we can find lots of reasons why we don't want to be here, and very few reasons that we do. So I'm making this post to bring everyone together to either find reasons to stay or show me why you've stayed. I don't care whether they are small or big reasons. They are reasons.

Please feel free to post below because I want to hear yours, and I want this to be a thread where people who come here can grab onto a reason too.

The reasons why I chose to stay -

- My dogs.

- Planning to die was very complicated.

- I wanted to hold on just in case things got a little bit better.

and now, I'm glad that I stayed. Please know that while suicide will end the pain, it will end your life too - so you'll say goodbye to any opportunities that things might get better. Opportunities for laughter, joy and beautiful memories. Sometimes it's about staying with the pain and finding other ways to let go of it without saying goodbye to our life.

[Guest_4593]

My life is only valued. When i help. I gave up my life when i was 8. Im just a safe house now, money is nothing to peopleherei will happily take something that says death

[Emo]

I've been trying to find a reason to live for the last few weeks or so but I couldn't find one. I thought that no one would care but I realised that I need to want to live for myself. I'm writing here for help on how I do that. Does anyone have any suggestions on how you can learn to love yourself and want to live again?

I just want some peace in my life and some safety, I guess I want the abuse to stop as well. I've tried to reach out for help from a new DV agency that I've heard about locally but they can't help me yet until maybe next year.

If anyone has any advice I'd really appreciate it as I feel like I'm drowning, thank you in advance. I'm just so lonely, even if I could talk to someone I'd really like that.

Regards,

Emo.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Emo, It sounds like you’ve taken a big step regarding your wellbeing and that takes a lot of courage. We’re glad to hear you sharing this shift and desire to live with all of us. Regarding your thoughts of suicide, we really encourage you to reach out to us and to counselling services via whichever methods feel safest: Lifeline 13 11 14 https://www.lifeline.org.au/crisis-chat/ (12pm – 2am) Suicide Call Back Service 1300 659 467 https://www.suicidecallbackservice.org.au/phone-and-online-counselling/ beyondblue Support Service 1300 22 4636 https://online.beyondblue.org.au/#/chat/start (1pm-12am) and to contact 1800 RESPECT - https://1800respect.org.au/ for more support regarding DV.

[Emo]

Hi Sophie_M,

You are so incredibly kind to reach out to me. I've been in such a very deep downward spiral that I felt the only way out was to end things but I'm trying to fight back.

I'm so sorry if I've been annoying yourself and your colleagues at Beyond Blue with my emails but please know that those emails are the only thing that kept me alive. The thought that I may upset someone if I went through with my suicide attempts made me realise that I need to keep trying.

I'm so grateful for your suggestions of places that I can contact via online as I still don't have a phone but I'm trying to work on that. I've found a place that can lend me one for a fee but as I have no money it's not currently an option.

I've thought of a way to make money to get the phone as I don't have a job but it could put me in a very dangerous situation but right now I'm trying to work out if the cons outweigh the pros as I think I would have more chances to reach out to others for help if I could communicate via phone.

I'm just not sure if I can endure more abuse again but hopefully this could bring an end to it. I'm so confused. I guess I need to give it some more thought. I'm so grateful for your concern Sophie_M, thank you.

Regards,

Emo.

[Sophie_M]

Thank you for your kindness, Emo, we're here to support you and all of the hard work you're putting in day by day. You've taken some couragous steps and decisions and even when it's hard, we're glad you're reaching out for support and staying in touch.

As you mentioned dangerous work- if you connect to any services please talk to them about your decision, to make sure you're keeping yourself as safe as possible, and making sure you know of all your options, safety measures, supports etc on whatever path you take. Especially as this is to get a phone- there may be safer ways to do so, it might just need some planning and discussion.

[Emo]

Hi Sophie_M,

I'm so grateful for your concern. I'm trying to keep going forward and keep coping and I can't lie, it’s hard to keep existing but your strength is keeping me going.

Getting a phone is my only chance on reaching out to other support services that don't let you contact them online it's only by phone.

I will give it some thought as I want my life to get better and maybe my choices will have a purpose and maybe this way I can make some money to set me up for my escape. I might even get enough to stay in a motel for a night. I'll try my best.

Regards,

Emo.

[SR2333]

First and foremost my children, in saying that, I do walk a tightrope some days as I think I’m worth a hell of a lot more dead. (Monetary value) and I’ve been a shit mother and that would give them an excellent start and let’s face it we live in a world where even water isn’t free, but also having PTSD I could not be the cause of that for someone I love.

[Guest_1643]

Hi sr2333, sending you hugs, I'm not a mother but I can imagine there's judgement internally and externally about being perfect at it. I hope Ur okay and feel for u

[Guest_1643]

Once again, I'm grateful for this thread and this topic. I read Tony (White Knights) initial thoughts on this topic and hope it's okay for me to share I feel similar. That this topic needs to be addressed and not taboo.

Some ppl are scared and shut down in certain groups or spaces for sharing about their struggles with SI or SH or even shamed as if they are encouraging such behaviour

So where do we get to express and process our pain? The first time a hospital worker asked me why I wanted to not be here, I gasped. I thought no one wanted to know that, because it seemed too taboo.

I'm grateful for this thread and space

[Maely]

I don't want to leave all of my loose ends for everyone else to tie up for me, you know?