Suicidal ?? Do not or perhaps watch movie Bird box

[Miiia]

 I have a toxic mother who hates me & just sent me a disturbing and uncaring email about myself & my big sister who committed suicide in December because of her life time of mental abuse. My sister begged me 2 months before she  ended her life to  move in with her so I could help her cope with our "mother" & I said no. Two months after I said no to moving in with her, my big sister ended her life, I feel so much guilt. 

This world is not for me and as soon as my little dog die,  I will have nothing left to live for. I thought that my big sister committing suicide would bring my younger sister & my niece closer together as we have all have been poisoned by our "mother" & "grandmother" but no, it hasn't.

I am watching music clips from all the saddest songs in my life, "Maggie May" my older sisters favourite song and others that make my cry because they remind me of how sad & pathetic my life is & why life is not worth living. . Thanks for your valuable time

[therising]

Hi Miiia

Your post led me to tears. So full of pain, heartbreak, anger, a sense of feeling so completely lost and more. My heart goes out to you, especially in regard to your sister's passing and in such a painful and upsetting way. While I find hindsight to be a great learning tool, there are times where I've found it to be a form of torture too. Being able to look back and see the signs of what led up to your sister's passing, I can understand why this period of hindsight is causing you so much pain. While it all makes sense now, why she was asking you to move in with her, her inability to make it completely clear (her level of suffering) is not your fault. I can say this from the perspective of someone who lived alone and faced an attempt. This is going back almost 30 years. While I wished people knew how I felt at the time, I never made it completely clear. That kind of stuff can be hard to put into words. The internal dialogue that comes in the depths of depression can add to things and can fill our head with a whole lot of the wrong stuff, like 'You shouldn't have to tell anyone how you feel. If they really cared, they'd know. They obviously just don't care enough'. Inner demons in the depths of depression (aka 'hell on earth'), are at their worst and their nature is not your fault.

While the thought 'I don't know how to live' can appear to be a simple thought, the truth is it can be overwhelmingly complex. 'I don't know how to live with my big sister having passed, I don't know how to live without my beloved dog, I don't know how to live in a way that leads my younger sister and I to finally connect, I don't know how to live with my mother's voice in my head while finding ways to eliminate that, I don't know how to live while turning this destructive form of anger into a constructive form, I don't know how to live without self harming' and the list goes on. That is just so much to make sense of. Learning how to live can seem completely impossible.

While I'm no master, when it comes to living with my inner demons, I like to think I've got them worked out to a decent degree. I know what some of them sound and feel like and I've gained a greater sense, over the years, in regard to where they lead me and how they do it. 'Play some sad music, you'll feel better'. 'No one cares about you, you're just a waste of space'. 'Life is just too hard, you may as well give up. You'll feel so much better' and on and on it goes. The deeper into depression we go, the more convincing they become. What is coming to mind for you is possibly along the same lines of what came to mind for your sister. So, while you now hear the kind of dialogue that comes to mind in the absolute depths of depression, I hope you understand that her passing was not your fault. If anything, I imagine her passing has led you to become more conscious in a whole number of ways, including painful ways which may be hard to make sense of and manage.

Btw, if my inner demons were to come to life in physical form, besides scaring the absolute hell out of me, I imagine they'd be grinning and rubbing their hands together with the more sad music I played, perhaps with my seriously brutal and depressing inner critic leading the pack. The more sadness, the merrier (for them). I imagine them to be complete and utter a*****les, whose ultimate goal it is to take a life. Our job is to do whatever it takes for them to not take ours. I hope coming here proves to be a strategic battle strategy that helps make a difference. With inner demons being true to form, their counter attack may sound like 'This is a complete waste of time. No one can make a difference'. Don't listen.

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Miiia,

I am so sorry for what you have been through and the recent loss of your sister. It is a good thing you are expressing the rage, the hurt and the pain. It is better for that to come out than for it to be suppressed inside of you. 

Do you have any supports right now you feel you can turn to, such as a friend, relative or psychologist? I recently came out of a few months of strong suicidality and I found the Suicide Callback Service especially helpful when I felt most at risk. Their number is 1300 659 467, available 24/7. They were very good at grounding me and helping de-escalate the state I was in.

You are absolutely not wasting anyone’s time and it is very important to reach out when you feel desperate, alone and in pain. It is often through engagement with kind others that our nervous system starts to regulate a bit better again. Often letting out the hurt and pain is part of that process too.

Family betrayal, as it sounds like you’ve experienced with your mother, and the loss of loved ones in your sister and father are some of the most painful things any of us can endure. I have struggled through betrayal in a family context. I’ve had a grandparent and cousin suicide and more recently three friends. What I have learnt through it all though is that there is an untouched part of you that is still ok, that hasn’t been marred by all the awful things that have happened. It can be very hard to know that right now, but there is still an untouched spirit in you that will want to live and can find some peace again. I think certain grief is always there but, as hard as it seems right now, things can get better and life can become liveable and even enjoyable again.

There is the option of going to your GP and getting a mental health care plan to see a psychologist for up to 10 sessions per year with a Medicare rebate. That may be an option if you are not doing it already to get some ongoing support to process what you’ve been going through. I can hear how much pain you are in and just want you to know you are not alone and there are supports available. As well as the Suicide Callback Service there is Lifeline 13 11 14, Beyond Blue 1300 224 636 and Griefline 1300 845 745. I have called them all at various times and in my experience it’s good to just keep reaching out anytime you feel desperate and are really struggling.

We are here too as a place to post if you wish to talk more.

Kind regards,

Eagle Ray

[Sophie_M]

Hi Miiia,

Thank you for taking the time to write out exactly how things are feeling for you right now. We are incredibly sorry for your loss. We are also deeply sorry to hear of the strong sense of guilt that you are sitting with, too. You are not alone in feeling this way, however that does not make it any easier.

Eagle Ray has written a beautiful response with some great support options. If you ever want to talk, please know that we are here for you. The lovely counsellors at our Beyond Blue Support Service are always available to talk through these feelings on 1300 22 4636 or online.

Our friends at Griefline are available, too, 6am-midnight AEDT every day on 1300 845 745. They offer confidential counselling support, free of charge, to individuals who are experiencing loss and grief.

We hope that you find some comfort here from our wonderful community, and please feel free to keep us updated on how you're going. This community is here for you, any time 💙

Kind regards,   

Sophie M 

[Miiia]

Dear Eagle Ray,

Thank you so much for your beautiful message & support. It is very touching to know that people care so much when it should also be my "family" who are supporting me, like I did for them when our sister / aunt ended her life. My younger sister & niece have not been in touch for 7 months & 8 months & now I am assuming they too realise that if I had moved to her home, she may still be here although I doubt it as we have endured a life time of mental abuse. And we have all attempted suicide many times over the years.

I have no friends as due to my mental illness, depression & debilitating social anxiety I never leave my home. I don't respond to people knocking on my door unless it's the police doing another welfare check & I don't answer my phone if I don't recognise the number.

I am so sorry for the loss of your grandparent, cousin & friends. It is really difficult to accept their decision but we know what they must have been feeling & thinking that possibly nothing will change (in my case) & it's the only way out of the pain. I wasn't angry with my sister as I have received the worst of the mental abuse from Toxic (mother) so I understood her decision & now I am feeling jealous that she is free from the abuse. Toxic posted on her facebook page on my birthday a few months ago that "some people in her life were never born & cease to exist in her life". She posts all of her cruelness publicly which makes it worse as our family are well known in the area she resides in. I have a fake FB account so I can see what she posts but I haven't been on since my birthday as that post destroyed me mentally & I again turned to self harm.

I was under the care of a psychologist & psychiatrist as an out patient at my local hospital's mental health unit but after months of care & my decision to not want to participate in a work shop for the issues I was experiencing, I was told there was nothing more they could do. I felt betrayed & devastated by their attitude & response so I am not comfortable to access help again. 

Thank you again & I sincerely apologise for the late response.

Miia

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Miia,

I am so, so sorry for the experiences you have had and the cruelty of "family" towards you. I have certainly learned that sometimes family is not always our biological relatives and we can have a sense of family with others. I think with regard to the loss of your sister, it is so, so important not to feel responsible for that in any way. As you say, you have all experienced abuse and have been doing your best to survive, and your sister just reached that point that it felt too hard to keep going.

I understand what you describe with the social anxiety. I have gone through periods of not answering the door or my phone. I am sometimes in a freeze state for hours and just sit in the same place unable to move. But if it is any encouragement, I have started to move out of that phase. But I know it is absolutely awful when you are in it and it is a very understandable self-protection mechanism of just locking down. I can understand too how the acts of cruelty such as the Facebook posts would push you deeper into that place. The antidote I have found to such cruelty is gentle connection with kind others. But it is a gradual process coming out of the locked down state into some connection again. Yesterday I took my elderly neighbour for a coffee and we had a lovely conversation in a nice a cafe in a forest setting with small birds around. It was very gentle and healing and she is a lovely person. But a few months ago I was too impaired to do that. So I hope maybe you can know that with gentleness towards yourself you can eventually start to reconnect with the world, just in small steps and when you are ready.

I understand feeling betrayed by the psychologist and psychiatrist. Some mental health professionals are not necessarily with us but assuming what is best for us and trying to apply that in a top-down approach. I think if you didn't feel right about participating in the workshop they should have been understanding of that. Also, sometimes when particularly vulnerable participating in workshops with others can be overwhelming.

I feel if you could find the right therapist it could make a difference, someone who is meeting you where you are at and has sensitivity and understanding for what you have been through. It took me a long time to find a good psychologist. I ended up doing a lot of my own research on how to heal the things I was struggling with and then sought out a practitioner who works with the approaches I felt connected with. It did take time and perseverance but I feel like I am on the right track now. So I guess I want to encourage you that it is possible to find a healing path and with some questing the right supports can emerge.

Take good care and know you are not alone.

Warm wishes,

Eagle Ray

[Tess]

Hi Miiia

I can hear how upset it makes you to not have the support of your younger sister and niece. And in a later comment you mention that it “should” be your family supporting you. I also sense that you might be concluding that your younger sister and niece are avoiding you because they blame you for the death of your older sister. 
But what if there is another narrative going on here? What if, in fact, the shared trauma between you, your younger sister, and your niece is the very thing that is creating the distance between you all? I’ve seen it happen. Those with shared trauma experiences are sometimes simply unable to share space because being near each other just keeps the trauma right in the foreground. Some people just don’t manage well in such situations- having constant reminders of the worst parts of their life. 
While common ground or shared experience can be helpful in therapy with other (unrelated) participants, perhaps the relationship is too close for your sister and niece? It’s easy to draw conclusions, because you yourself appear to be experiencing guilt, but please allow room for other, equally possible, explanations. Be kind to yourself