Hi Chris
You're such a beautiful person. You have to also take credit for still being here, as it's taken a lot of your hard work to reach this point. You couldn't have got this far without exercising that part or those parts of you that can relate to the absolute truth. I found the ability to recognise the absolute truth is perhaps the hardest thing to achieve in depression. A thousand people could try convincing us of the absolute truth, that we are of value, but if the part of us that knows and dictates this is far too quiet to be heard, we'll never believe it. The internal dialogue that screams daily, in one way or another 'You are a worthless!' can brutally drown out that loving voice in us.
On the days where you clearly hear the truth, recognise how it makes you feel. It may sound like 'Your dogs love you, they adore you. You must be here for them'. Feel how deeply you are led to truly love them in this moment. Or the truth may sound like 'Your father is cruel with his words an that's not your fault. Cruelty is the fault or flaw of another'.
It's interesting Chris, that internal dialogue. While a lot of people wonder why the nights or early hours of the morning are the worst in depression, where you can hear the worst of internal dialogue, I've discovered they are also the times where I can hear the best. It's our mindset that determines what we hear in those hours. It's in the early hours of the morning that I meditate on opening my mind to solutions/answers. While I sit in my back yard, with no traffic to hear, no birds chirping, no lawnmowers going etc, I throw my question out. For example, it could be 'Why do I feel so down around the person I'm meant to love?'. As I say, you gotta be careful with what naturally comes to mind. Is it the absolute truth or not? A hint: The truth will always be revealing in a constructive way. If what comes to mind is 'It's because you're a horrible person', that's not constructive. If what comes to mind is something like the following, it's a different story: 'Love is conditional. Love is felt. You feel it at various levels or you don't, based on the conditions you face. What are those conditions?'. Constructive dialogue will often lead you to have to answer more questions. I believe it's the nature of any good mind altering quest to involve a lot of questions. Btw, to truly know love, I've found it pays to define it. For me, it's found in evolution, in the progress we so strongly desire for another and our self.
