Hi Chris
I feel for you so much Chris. That's so upsetting, about the job. Even if you were expecting some sort of feedback from your employer, at some stage, it's still shocking when something like this happens. There's been a lot of shocking things happening for you. I really wish I was there with you. What do you think your care team would say to you, under the circumstances? Do you think they'd say 'You need to call us asap, if you feel at any stage that you can't cope'? Now's the time to be listening to external dialogue, from your care team, not internal dialogue (especially if that internal dialogue is going to lead you in a direction you can't come back from).
I think people underestimate that feeling that comes with not being able to find a sense of peace. When the internal dialogue is coming from all directions, it's truly horrible. When there's a part of you that's screaming 'You should be doing better than this', a part that's screaming 'You should feel guilty', another that dictates hopelessness and so on, it can feel like there are a dozen different parts to you all yelling at once. I imagine this is something your care team might be able to help with. Even if it simply means sedating your mind, calming it down for now, this could be a start.
Something my daughter insisted I research, just yesterday, is General Adaptation Syndrome. Perhaps researching this yourself might help in making things a little clearer when it comes to just how much pressure you've been under and how that pressure may have been playing out, without you fully realising. The reason my daughter mentioned this to me is based on me having opened up to her about how I could feel myself slipping back into depression. Researching GAS allowed me to see things more clearly, offering the chance for me to be much kinder to myself. I ticked the entire list when it came to the final stage, the exhaustion stage:
- fatigue
- burnout
- depression
- anxiety
- decreased stress tolerance
While it must feel impossible for you to not focus on the future and how it makes you feel, what's important is now. Now is what gets you to the next moment. The choice you make now determines the path ahead. Give your care team a call and let them manage your next step. For me, if it wasn't for me having spoken to my daughter, I wouldn't have received the guidance I needed most, at the time. External guidance is what can help create the path ahead, leading to detours and much needed light shed upon them.
