Suicidal 20 yr old

[MattN]

Um hi, my name is Matt and Im from Aus, I’m 20 years old and am experiencing severe depression and suicidal ideation. I don’t expect anyone to read this but I’ll speak anyways, ever since I was 16 I’ve wanted to die, I am not able to deal with life stressors very able despite having been through therapy (which did actually help alot), I’m tired all the time, I’ve suffered through 3 different addictions and faced them alone, I never really tell anyone how I feel or how much I hate myself, I dont want to waste their time with my personal stuff, they’d be better off without me anyways. I’m a lonely individual I don’t have anyone special, nor do I deserve anyone like that or have a meaningful relationship, all I can think is ending everything, deep down in my heart I know the world is better without me in it, I’m a waste of time and space. Like I said I don’t expect anyone to read this but if you do I am sorry if its a little incoherent.

[Sophie_M]

Hey MattN,

Welcome to the forums and thank you for your bravery and openness in sharing here. It’s a really good place to have come to hear from others who understand some of the things you’re going through. We can hear you’ve been dealing with so much right now, severe depression is a really difficult and challenging mental health condition but it also sounds like you've come along way with your batteles with drug addiction. Please know that you deserve to feel better – in fact it’s incredibly strong and resilient to have shared what’s going on with us here.   

We’re reaching out to you privately to offer some support. In the meantime, we’d really encourage you to give us a call on the Beyond Blue Support Service. We are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 and our counsellors are really good at talking people through moments like this and working out options for more support. You can also reach out online, here.

Another option would be ringing Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467), who can talk things through with you, and help you to plan for your safety. The Beyond Blue safety planning app might be worth looking at, too. You can read about how it works and where to download it here. You can even call Lifeline and compete it with one of their counsellors over the phone.

If you’re feeling suicidal or are having thoughts about harming yourself, it's important that you take immediate steps to keep safe. If you feel unable to keep yourself from acting on your thoughts about suicide or self-harm this is an emergency, and you need to call 000 (triple zero).

We’re sure we’ll hear from some of our lovely community members here on your thread soon. They’re a really amazing community, and will have understanding, advice and kind words for you.  Thanks again for sharing. It’s a powerful and brave first step towards feeling better.

Kind regards,

[therising]

Hi Matt

While I feel for you so deeply, I'm so glad you've come here to a place where people can relate to how you may be feeling. Depression can feel like the loneliest experience when no one around us can relate in any way.

Wondering if you've considered turning again to therapy of some type. As a 53yo gal who's faced on and off challenges with depression since my late teens, I've found there are still the odd times where I need some  guidance and much greater levels of self understanding. I like to look at it in a way where as we become more conscious in life (through experience and making greater sense of certain challenges), we rise up through levels of consciousness. There may be some levels where we get seriously stuck. Seeking guidance can be about gaining next level consciousness or awareness. I suppose you could say every age could be seen as a stage or level if that's what works. Whether it's stage/level 20 or 53, we're going to get completely stuck at some level. Personally, I attempted stopping the climb at around stage/level 28 or 29. I'm so glad I wasn't successful in that attempt, for I would never have reached the stage I'm at now.

Matt, you have made it through some seriously tough stages so far and you have to give yourself a massive amount of credit for that, huge. If we're not given a lot of skills in the earlier stages of life, that definitely presents a struggle. Personally, I was missing a stack of them, some of which I've managed to gain as I've gone along. I imagine you've gained a few yourself, through your experiences. While I left long term depression behind me at 35, I still face depressing periods on occasion and they have always been about gaining next level skills and self understanding. Whether it involves the skill of sensing the need for guidance, the skill of developing our imagination in mind altering ways so that we can see some way forward through it (tapping into the seer in us) or whether it involves the skill of developing a serious sense of wonder (which can lead us to wonder how we tick, instead of us asking 'What's wrong with me?'), there are so many skills to be developed that have the ability to take us to next level.

If there is one skill set that is an absolute must, I would say it involves the ability to sense or feel accurately and strategically. If I cannot get a sense of or feel for who or what is bringing me down, it's presents problems. If I can't get a sense of or feel for who or what has the potential to raise me in a number of ways, I will stay down. How to get an accurate feel for what a challenge is really about is a must have ability.

Matt, I imagine you have a lot of untapped next level abilities and skills worth developing, beyond what feels like the worst stage of your life. I have to say mind altering ones are the best ones, especially when it comes to finding ways out of a depression.

[Willowtree_21]

Hi Matt

I'm really sorry for what you're going through - truly. While I've had poor mental health myself, I have never experienced depression or suicidal ideation, but have had an ex and childhood friend both suffer with these issues. Having been beside these two people as they went through this, I hope I have some small understanding of what it might be like.

Something that jumped out at me as I was reading your post was talking about going through things alone and no one really knowing. I think that can make these things really difficult, when no one else knows what you're fighting. So, I think it's really admirable that you're reaching out now. I've seen how hard depression is to live with and I want to say well done for reaching out here if it was really hard for you (even if it wasn't, still well done!)

I truly hope things get better in your life, and I know that this planet is not better off without you in it.