Self harm urges and giving in

[Ely_]

Hi,

I've been fighting not to self harm more lately as the urges are happening more often. Especially the last week. I have been struggling. I'm at the point now where I want to give in to the urge. I want the numbness. I want the relief. I don't want to fight it anymore.

I saw my abuser's daughter today and that has triggered me alot. I have PTSD and BPD.

I'm trying to distract myself, have been trying mindfulness.

I'm sick of not even being able to shower without wanting to hurt.

I'm so ashamed.

I feel weak and stupid.

[Aaronsis]

Hi Ely72

I am so glad that you have found the strength to reach out and to grab onto some support here, that is so brave and I can hear how much pain and how hard this is for you at the moment. It is so great to chat to you and I hope you can feel the support and care here that we have for you.

I am so very very sorry that you have been abused, that you have to live with that each day and that today you had to have a visual reminder of your event and the pain that goes with that.

I am not going to give you a list of all the things that you can do as an option rather than hurting yourself as you know, you know about distractions and I am sure that you know about the techniques that you can do in these times, I feel like though that it like telling a person with depression to "cheer up". So instead I will let you know I am here to sit with you in these times, to talk and to share about whatever it is you feel comfortable in sharing.

You are not weak and you are most certainly not stupid. You did not choose the abuse that happened to you and now you have to live with it each day, and you are Ely72, this is so brave and so strong and I know you don't feel like that but you are so much stronger than you realize, you choose life and you choose you.

I do just want to say though if you are not feeling safe to please call 000 and have an ambulance come to help you. You matter so much and with help you can move through this and go onto live a happy life.

Huge hugs to you and I hope to chat with you some more.

Sarah xx

[Sophie_M]

Hi Ely72, 

I'd like to join Aaronsis in thanking you for reaching out today, we know how difficult it can be, but we are so glad that you have showed your strength. It sounds like this experience today seeing your abuser's daughter would have been very distressing, we are sorry that you’re in such a tough space right now. But please know that you’re not alone in this and that our community is here to work through this difficult time with you.
 
As you’ve mentioned that you’ve been struggling with urges to harm yourself, we are contacting you through email with some additional support.

We hope that you continue to check back in with our community when you feel up to it. 

[Ely_]

Thanks for your response Sarah. I truly appreciate it.

Having BPD and having had a rough week with it and my PTSD, I haven't been in the best place lately. I had thought I was going uphill out of it today, until I was triggered so severely. It's strange how some things affect me so intensely at different times.

And now I just don't want to feel at all. Emotions are my weakness. I have just started DBT with my new psychologist. I'm not handling anything though.

I am having major anxiety issues atm due to medical tests that need to be done and a 2 week separate stay i need to do. Just at a loss.

Any feeling at the moment is intense and horrible and i don't want to feel anymore.

There is no break, no peace.

[Guest_4643]

Hi Ely72, welcome to the forums.

I'm so very sorry that you're struggling so much. I think it's great that you joined these forums though, that in itself took a lot of courage & bravery, because you're trying to seek help & support. So good on you for that, it's one thing you can say you achieved!

Please don't hurt yourself & do anything stupid, I know it's hard. Please remember that these forums are 24/7, & everything is moderated for peace of mind. You can also use the following websites, all the info is on the websites:

Lifeline

SANE

The Black Dog Institute

eHeadspace

Suicide Call Back Service

Kids Helpline

& more.

I wish I could just give you a hug & help you, I'm sorry I can't. But I hope me & others can support you in any way on these forums. We may be strangers but that doesn't mean that we don't love & care about you, & that we want you here. You belong here, you have so much to offer the world whether you believe it or not, regardless of how old you are & how much you're struggling.

Please stay safe, & please check out those websites & come on these forums. Please don't hurt yourself or anything else you'll regret. There's plenty of threads on these forums, stuff to vent, & positive things. Check out those if you're up to it.

You're not weak & stupid, or anything else bad you say. Please believe that. Please take care of yourself & keep yourself safe. You're loved, you're wanted, & you're needed. Please know that everyone on these forums care. All of us. We want you to be happy, & get better, & still be here.

Have some time to yourself if you need, just be safe please.

Massive love and hugs to you. Please take care.

Love,

Tayla xo

[Ely_]

I just wanted to thank you for your support. I ended up chatting, then calling BB. Eventually was seen by MH at the ED and they have made a plan to follow up with me. It was very difficult to go through with going to ED. Last time I saw MH there the lady was dismissive. This time was a definite improvement.

I still feel agitated and pretty much the same but I'm more in control this morning.

MH will be calling me today and visiting in a couple days. I have an appointment with my trauma counsellor today.

I just wish the discussion with my partner had gone differently when I woke her to let her know how I was feeling.

Me.."I don't feel well, I'm going to ED"

SO.. yelling.... "stop f***ing doing this shit" and some other stuff I wont put here.

She is usually really good. When it comes to this she doesnt understand or try to. I tried to explain to her last night.

I would have thought at 35 I would have outgrown this emotional battle with myself but it only seems to get worse.

Cest la vie I guess

Ely

[Aaronsis]

Good Morning Ely72

I am so proud that you reached out and that you took the help that you needed. That has taken so much strength and so much courage and I am so happy that you made the calls you needed to for your life.

I don't think age has anything to do with it, I understand that you feel like at "this age" you should be doing "better" but unfortunately MH as you know doesn't work like that. It is great that you have some support in place now and that is so wonderful.

I am sorry that your partner responded like that to you, it is out of love and she is probably hurting too and hates to see you like this so her reaction was probably out of fear and sadness too. I know that at the time it is not helpful but try to jump on her side of the fence and see what she is seeing, her partner in a really bad spot, that hurts.

I just want to share apart of my story with you, for the only reason that I want you to see that there is hope, and with help and with the right people on your team you can go on to live a happy and healthy life. So 6 months ago (wow..I really cant believe it has been that long) I lost my 19 year old brother to suicide. My family is broken, although we are doing ok, we will never be the same..as you can imagine. I never thought I would be in such a healthy place that I am now. I had an amazing counsellor that taught me so much, I had this forum that essentially I credit my healing to. TALKING..these are the key and I think that you are doing such a great job. By communicating how you are feeling and getting it out, by talking with your partner when you are feeling good and letting her know what is helpful to you when you are in a dark place or you have hurt yourself, these will be the things that make the difference in your healing.

There are so many great resources here on this page and even reading other people's stories and some of the other support that people like our Community Champions give to others I learn from every day. Writing is wonderful and getting it all out, exercise and eating well and doing things that make you feel good about you.

You matter so very much and sweet Tayla...thank you for your contribution to not only Ely72 but your enormous heart and the care you have for others is amazing.

Please stay safe Ely72, this is a time in your life and doesn't have to cost you your life. We are here for you and you matter so very much.

Come and chat anytime and let us know how you are going and how you are feeling.

Sarah xx

[Ely_]

Sarah,

I am sorry to hear about your brother. I lost my aunt 18 months ago and my cousin last July to the same. The pain of my aunt's passing to my Mum is what keeps me here. I don't want to cause that for her.

Today I told my best friend about last night. I now regret it. At first she was concerned then dismissive, judgy and even said she thinks i should stop therapy and change pills. I know everyone has their own beliefs and what works for them but I truly thought she was more understanding.

After she left it made my urges even worse and I couldn't stop.

I had my trauma counselling appointment. She agreed I should maybe go see MH again so I did.

More than anything, that was a waste of time. If I think positively it will stop...apparently. i just have to eat, exercise and think clear thoughts not negative ones. Never felt more dismissed and useless and stupid.

I want and dont want to stop.

Ely

[Aaronsis]

Hi Ely72

I am so sorry that you too have experienced the pain of losing members of your family to suicide, it is so hard to manage the loss of one family member so I cant imagine your families pain having to lose two. Thank you for your kind words about my brother, that is very kind of you and I really appreciate it.

I am really feeling for you that you tried to reach out to your friend and you got a really dismissive with you, it is so hard for some people to understand or to even empathize when those with MH issues do share and some of the information is either too much or they are too overwhelmed or simply just don't know how to respond. I am sure your friend tried but didn't give the support you needed and I am so sorry you felt worse and that you resorted to hurting yourself. Please reach out here and even use typing as a distraction in the times when you do feel like you need to hurt yourself, feel the keys under your fingers and with each word you type feel the support coming to you from us.

I think it is a great idea to get some more support, it is a real shame that the team you saw today were not helpful, it is exhausting having to retell and relive the feelings only to have them dismissed or not validated or heard. I am really sorry Ely72 that today was so very much for you and that you didn't feel supported or heard. Fancy that...who would have thought that it was just as easy as eating well and exercising and getting some rest and thinking happy bubbly things..wow...what a break through...sorry I am very sarcastic and it frustrates me when this is a professionals default statement....really disappointing and I feel really lousy for you.

Can I ask if there are things that you do enjoy doing? Things that make you happy or put a smile on your face? If the answer is no, that is fine I am just trying to see if we can get some solid distractions for you when you are feeling so bad.

Hope to chat to you some more and sending you my strength and my support Ely72

Huge hugs

Sarah

[Ely_]

I hear you on the sarcasm... I felt so deflated and pissed off.

In terms of distractions I am a crafter. I have a studio full of beads, clays, wire, and assorted goodies. I spent last week when I was really low sorting my last two crates of mixed seed and round beads. I now have one little bag left.

I also read, have my dogs and cats, and watch netflix when triggers allow. I have been tryjng to do deep breathing, muscle relaxations and meditations n mindfulness, but this agitated brain will not stop cycling and flicking.

I'm tempted to just take a couple of my pain meds and sleep, but am worried they wont make me tired and will just make me spacy and more impulsive.

other option is to watch tv, but what if something comes on that triggers me more and then i CANT stop?

I still cant believe MH response when I told them I intended to continue was try not to. You have to stop thinking negatively.

Wth...unhelpful...not that i guess they can do anything really.... i dont even know anymore.

Thanks for the continued support x