So sad, then invincible, then sad again

[KAT264]

Hi

I’m here because I wanted to end my life today. I’m 49, female with no significant other. I work hard every day alone so I have a lot of thinking time. I’m in sales and drive a lot then pretend I’m happy to my customers. I come home and have no one to really digest my day with. So my wounds, faults, errors and failures just process to the next day. Im scared of life. But what scares me more is that I don’t feel happiness anymore. Most people would say I have the most beautiful smile, but I don’t feel it. I’ve lost my personality, I’ve lost me. So saying that, I don’t want to be alone anymore, but am so broken nobody will ever want me. So that puts me in a terrible predicament and gives me no reason to keep going. I want someone to just be there and hold me. Tell me everything is going to be ok and we can do this together. But that’s just a fantasy that will never come true.

I just want to be heard and understood. One day I’m just going to end my pain. I don’t want to be that girl that gets ignored because she is too much, or too boring, or not the one for me. I just want to feel like I have a safe, loving place to call home.

I don’t know if I’m fixable. I don’t want to be old, alone and miserable anymore. I just don’t know.

[Sophie_M]

Hey KAT264,

You've shown so much strength in reaching out to our community tonight, and we are so grateful that you've taken such a big step with us here. We're so sorry to hear that you've been struggling with these intense feelings and overwhelming thoughts- this must be so difficult to cope with. We hope that you find these forums to be a safe space to express your thoughts and feelings, and our caring community is here to help offer support and advice during this really difficult time.

We are also currently getting in touch with you through email as we are worried about you.

In overwhelming moments like these, please know support is always available to you, whether it be from the friendly counsellors at our Beyond Blue Support Service (1300 22 4636) or our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467). These services are available to you 24/7, day or night, and you can access them as often as you need whenever things are feeling like too much to cope with. You never have to go through this alone.

And if you feel unsafe or feel you are in immediate danger to yourself, this is an emergency it's really important that you contact 000 straightaway.

We really hope that you can find some comfort and support in the kind and understanding words from our community, and please feel free to keep us updated on what you're feeling and experiencing whenever you feel up to it.

[Kailani]

Hi KAT264,

Please know that myself and all the other members of this community are hear for u! It sounds like u have so much going on inside at the moment. These feelings of despair, hopelessness and sadness are bound to be exhausting and overwhelming. Many of us feel ignored, lost and trapped so u are not in this fight alone! All I ask is please try to remember that u are worth it and that your life is precious. While I know that at the moment u do not feel like this and that u are at a really low point I just wanted to check in and let u know that I am thinking about u. Like Sophie mentioned there are services are available and while it may be too hard to reach out to them now, when u are ready they will be there to support u. In the meantime we as a community are always here for u whether u just want to vent/talk or want some support.

[therising]

Hi KAT264

Wish I was there, sitting beside you, able to make a positive difference. Myself, I'm a gal who hit 50 this year. Although depression itself no longer challenges me, as I've left those years in depression behind me, the challenge of staying out of it is still there and always will be. I believe, when we're sensitive to feeling our experiences, we'll always remain challenged in a variety of ways.

I've found, at the end of every incredible potentially depressing challenge, I'm led to understand 'I am not who I believed myself to be'. In your case, you could say that if you believed you'd never be someone who'd have the strength to post on the forums here, you can see that belief is now wrong. If you believed you'd never be someone who'd connect to people who have felt the impact of the depths of depression, again, this belief was wrong. From my experience, there is nothing on this earth that compares to the very depths of depression. It feels impossible to live through. It is where your heart feels so broken, your soul feels completely destroyed and there is no hope to be found at all. In the depths, there is an emptiness that you feel no one can fill, no one at all. The loneliness and grief is overwhelming and, at times, almost suffocating. The reason I manage strategically staying out of depression is based on never wanting to revisit the depths again.

One of the ways I manage involves associating with people who bring out the best in me. Whether they lead me to excitement and the ability to feel positive physical emotion or they lead me to the kind challenge that has me saying 'I never knew I was this tolerant' or 'I never believed I was capable of achieving this', these are the people to raise me to new experiences and beliefs.

I believe a mature and sensitive man would bring out the best in you. Any other man could not manage this. A partner who feels both your pain and joy is special. A partner who comes to know how to raise you is unique. There are also men out there who believe they will never find a woman sensitive enough for them. Again, goes to show, we cannot trust everything we believe. I can easily imagine you bringing out the best in such a man.

From my experience, 'I don't know who I am anymore' precedes the need to find our most natural self. Up to this point, we can be living with a lot of false beliefs and intolerable conditions placed upon us.

'Who am I?' becomes the 1st question on the quest to truly know our self.

🙂