Sick and tired of being sick

Bbydoll · ‎23-06-2020

Hello. I'm battling multiple auto immune diseases along with chronic pain. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired; physically, mentally, emotionally and financially etc. I've got no partner, kids or family around. And very few real friends that actually bother to check in on me. My shrink retired earlier in the year. I'm on medication but lately my health has once again deteriorated. Including over $2500 worth of urgent dental work with more needed afterwards.

I can't take much more of this. I spoke with a close friend the other day; who I haven't seen for 8 months and although he was kind enough to let me pour my heart out. He couldn't help me. And has other priorities. I feel as though everyone thinks I'm ok.. because I've been through so much that I'll get through this.

I just want it to end. I'm tired of struggling. Every. Single. Day.

I don't want to live like this anymore.

Bbydoll · ‎09-01-2021

Thanks for your responses but with respect to you both. I've had health issues all my life. I'm almost 44. I've tried everything I can to keep my head above water but every time I try and focus on something to do to keep me occupied my health has failed me. I've tried over the years different things to study to take me down a potential path of employment at the end of it in various different fields but haven't even completed the courses because of my health. Yes I don't need a carer but I also don't have a car and can't drive. My health and fatigue are a range of auto immune illnesses that have put me through multiple stays hospitalizations and surgeries etc. The last time I tried studying online at a local campus pre admission course to potentially get me into a degree, a 20 minute train ride away! I completed the 2nd week of it. After missing the 1st week with a flu (precovid). I ended up in hospital with a suspected pulmonary edema (blood clot in my heart). They found one in my leg as well. I was immediately started on blood thinners for 3 months which is standard treatment for such matters. It threw out my menstrual cycle and I bleed heavily for 3 straight months. So I had to stop said course as I was often bed bound. I also needed a double blood and a double iron transfusion and of course went back to hospital for this! And subsequently also found antibodies to my blood making it that much harder when I need further bloods. That is just one example I can give you plenty more of them!!

I've found out that most people in my life don't want to hear about my constant health problems 2 thongs happen. I either get sympathy from them which I don't need. Or they change the subject. Yes. People have it worse than me. I understand that. But I am struggling with this. It is why I put this post up. Because I am sick and tired of BEING sick and tired... with everything in my life. It's an ongoing issue with out any end in sight except death

monkey_magic · ‎09-01-2021

Hi Bbydoll,

No one knows your circumstances and what you feel everyday better than you do. Thankyou for elaborating on it so we can have more of an understanding.

My menstrual cycle was also thrown out because of medication and I also go through it for months so we have something in common there. Mine used to be heavy, then non- existent for 6 mnths now it's light going on something like 5 months.

I know I was probably being insensitive with some of my wording and your situation is unique but I just wanted to help you see the light.

U might already see the light, and my whole post could have been pointless but when I was suffering it helped me to know there were others going through harder things.

And I'm simply suggesting what has helped me and many others when our worlds came crashing down.

Right now I'm into juicing fruits and veg because I bought a juicer and it's really given me again something else to think about and do besides my nightmare circumstances.

I guess all I can really say is sorry that you are really struggling so much. It sounds exhausting.

Perhaps lots of sleep is what you need for yourself.

And I do hope even the smallest things improve for you.

Bbydoll · ‎09-01-2021

Thanks. I appreciate the sentiments I do. I'm just really physically, emotionally, mentally, financially drained in every possible sense and no way out and I'm plain tired. And tired of trying and getting no where. But I appreciate you reading all this and your comments.

Guest_1055 · ‎09-01-2021

Oh Bbydoll gosh my heart goes out to you. I wish I could help you.

I think I may be understanding a bit more. Reason being it is very challenging to focus on much else when you are feeling constant physical pain. All you want is the pain to end to feel better. And indeed you just get plain feel sick of it. Sick of being in the condition you are in. I have had a painful mouth and gums for over a month now. And I am so so very sick of it. Even to the point of wanting to punch out. Hit a punching bag or something.

Now you have been going through your own painful time for perhaps years and years. Me only 1 month or so. You must have grown in patience and endurance. I really take my hat of to you enduring all this for so very long.

The reason I was talking about the cherry blossoms (which you are indeed right, it's a very beautiful tree) is because it's good to try and focus on things that are lovely and beautiful. Focus on anything that helps you smile.

Did you say you sang or like music? Personally I will listen to music and sing, only to good songs though, not ones that stir up sad or bad emotions though. It's just not worth it. Even with my mouth hurting as it is I have been singing this particular encouraging song. Often with tears.

I really desire to help you somehow. Feeling pain sometimes just speaks so loud and yeah it is challenging to focus on other things.

Maybe just step by step, itty bitty ones you could just notice things around you that brings some kind of happy emotions. Even a picture of a cherry blossom tree. You like those. Can you plant one at your place. I know you said they grow in Tasmania. Or maybe they cost to much.

And do you have happy memories from childhood at all? Any with your mum. Sometimes I will try and focus on those in my life. Maybe it will help you as well.

Sophie_M · ‎09-01-2021

Hi Bbydoll,

Your health issues sound really painful - we don't doubt that you've been working really hard to keep your head above water, and we hope that you can feel proud of yourself for everything that you've come through so far.

We're concerned that you say there is no end in sight except death. Please remember that if you become an immediate danger to yourself, this is an emergency and you need to contact 000 (triple zero). We're glad to hear that the forums are of some comfort to you. If you feel up to it, you might like to take a look at one of our threads - "Words of comfort, encouragement and wisdom" - https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/words-of-comfort-encouragement-and-wisdom#qowLvHHzvGGEbv8AAOnT_A

Thanks again for sharing here.

Bbydoll · ‎10-01-2021

Shelll, I just listen to the music. Pretty sure my neighbours would complain if I sang as I'm in an apartment. As for cherry blossoms , I checked online but am sure that the weather is too warm where I live unfortunately. Childhood was ok. I still got sick quite a bit. But my teens I got worse and struggled with everything from then on.. including have a father almost going into jail because of abuse. Mum wasn't much better then either. Mum liked us better as kids because she'd play boardgames. But now she doesn't even want to leave her room. I'm seeing her in a few hours. But I'm exhausted. I haven't slept as I put in an order online and forgot I'm going out later in the week. I'm so pathetic.

Sophie - that link doesn't work on my phone. It's probably because it's a very old model. But I was being honest death is real the end to the struggles.. I'm not dealing with pain then or any other torments. Sleeping is the other thing. But I either oversleep and physically can't get up. Or toss and turn all night. Either way. I'm always running on empty. Even if I'm not anemic!!!!!

I don't feel proud. I don't feel like I've achieved anything and at this stage I'm probably not likely to either. Every year I try and achieve something. I set out and fail and repeat. Even without covid and the limitations it's putting on people.

It makes no difference. I spoke to someone I see at the shops regularly. We chat about various things. I told her that I needed to change things for the better. And she started saying that it's all in the mind etc.. not so much as positive thinking but shifting your thinking and I wish it was that simple. But it's not... not when you ache constantly. And are so tired that your body makes mistakes and you can't think of what it is you want to say.. she just doesn't understand this. I come across as relatively normal because I have learnt to put up a mask.. but if I'm in extra pain then it's written all over my face.

Bbydoll · ‎14-01-2021

We saw mum for her birthday and she was clearly depressed. Sitting crumpled in her chair watching cricket - even though she's never had any interest in it! But she seemed barely responding to my brother and I and had automated responses when the nurse on duty popped by. She had to be prompted to go and eat her lunch, when normally she's right outside the door waiting for her food. She's always had a great appetite but seemed disinterested in that. My brother and I looked at the higher care facility and he is hesitant to send her there despite the staff looking after her recommending it. Her MS is getting worse and I think because she's not engaging in activities, it's progressing faster than we would have hoped. I went and saw Frozen the musical. And absolutely loved it; but I do enjoy both of the films. I just wish my health and chronic pain were something else that weighs me down so much. I enjoyed the show but am out of action because the trip in and back to see it, is exhausting and painful. I can sit and get immersed in something for a couple of hours and forget about everything else. I don't know when I'll be able to do that again as its an expense just for the ticket alone!!

Guest_1055 · ‎14-01-2021

Just saw your thread pop up and thought I would say a big hello. And gee that so awesome you went to see the Frozen musical. I would love to watch that. I have been to the theatre a couple of times. Once in Sydney and watched Chitty Chitty bang Bang. Once up near me and watched Mary Poppins. So happy for you that you went

Bbydoll · ‎14-01-2021

Thanks Shelll, it was pretty great! I was in the first few rows and at the end of the show it snowed inside the venue ( paper pieces) - if you've ever seen the snow globes where you can stand in them, a big plastic bubble -the paper was like that. It went everywhere and even managed to get under my face mask! My only social life is live music/gigs/concerts/musicals etc and it was sooooo good to be able to see a live show! It's a shame we had to wear masks because I was grinning from ear to ear after it was finished. They got a great response from the audience all the way through and being school holidays, there were kids in the audience and for the most part they were enjoying it as well.

Bbydoll · ‎23-01-2021

My mum has gone into higher care as I predicted she would. It's hard, but inevitable and I'm sure that she'll adjust in time. I have to now see a neurologist to get an MRI as I'm having frequent bouts of vertigo lasting weeks at a time. My GP wants to rule out MS - as mum's MS started out with attacks of vertigo. I have to find the money for that!! And if that wasn't enough my phone dies within about 5 minutes of being online. So I'm either in need of another new battery or a new phone.