SH is the only way to feel anything ekse

[Echtis]

Lots of things coming together, or rather apart right now. I'm really trying not to sh but I did again last night. I've tried exercising until it hurts but it isn't the same. It's not the flashing ache of pain like other self harm, it's more like a dull headache. 

I'm sure many other people struggle on Valentine's Day. I went to my support group the day before and basically learned that everyone there had never had a successful marriage; that being it was full of abuse, trauma, toxicity, etc. That somewhat reminded me that I'm just... Doomed, I guess. 

I met a young woman I got along quite well with last year. She claimed to be a lesbian initially, but she has gone back to dating men, which made me feel lied to and like she couldn't be honest with either her rejection or me. To top it all, despite me getting out of a bad relationship quite recently, throughout the day she sent me multiple pictures of herself out with her date having fun. We both have ASD but surely this can't be that ignorant. On one hand I want to be happy for my friend, on the other, it feels like she is trying to make me feel this way. 

I wrote a bunch of music, the only productive thing I've done. It's all terrible. All I can think about is killing myself and that, and how inadequate I am and that if I was deserving of life things wouldn't be like this. 

Not planning on taking my life. Just thinking about being dead a lot. Suicidal thoughts, not intent. 

I thought writing this would make me feel better, but it didn't. But now I've done it so I may as well post it. Something to distract from the void.

[therising]

Hi Echtis

I feel so deeply for you as you face such a torturous time in your life. When able to feel the sometimes deeply depressing nature of what's faced in life, the desperation to feel any other way is completely understandable.

While I know a few people on the autism spectrum, some are major feelers where as others are more so analysts. The feelers feel just about everything other people say and do (which can definitely become depressing and/or anxiety inducing at times). Perhaps your friend is unaware of the emotional impact. It may be a challenge for you to express to her how this impacts you but do you think you're able to express it openly and honestly with her. Could sound a little like 'While I am happy for you, another part of me feels upset at the same time'. Do you think this is a challenge the 2 of you able to meet, making sense of it together?

Wondering if you have many people in your life who are conscious of a lot of the challenges that come with being on the autism spectrum. Do you generally find people around you to be dismissive, judgemental and unsupportive to some degree, perhaps to the degree where it becomes depressing? I can recall being surprised by the number of people on the AS who face depression and anxiety. It became understandable, considering the nature of those around them. While I'm not on the AS, I've found a lot of neurotypical people to be typically insensitive and depressing in a number of ways. Much prefer deeply feeling open minded sensitive people. So much easier to get along with.

Wonder if you've managed to work out why you SH. For me, when I was younger, it was more so based on self punishment. I was punishing myself for being me. Took me years to figure out that feeling so deeply wasn't my fault, it was my ability, an ability those around me never seemed to have (to the extent I needed them to). For others SH can be about the sensation. Some people never quite work out why they do it or have done it in the past. I know someone who used to do it for the sensation, to feel any other way than how she was feeling (depressed). Now, much happier, she gets tattoos instead based on the sensation and how the images lead her to feel. Btw, definitely not suggesting this is the way to go.