Self harm urges and giving in

[Ely_]

Hi,

I've been fighting not to self harm more lately as the urges are happening more often. Especially the last week. I have been struggling. I'm at the point now where I want to give in to the urge. I want the numbness. I want the relief. I don't want to fight it anymore.

I saw my abuser's daughter today and that has triggered me alot. I have PTSD and BPD.

I'm trying to distract myself, have been trying mindfulness.

I'm sick of not even being able to shower without wanting to hurt.

I'm so ashamed.

I feel weak and stupid.

[ecomama]

Hi Ely

What an amazing aunty you are! It's awesome you are helping them so much with their school work.

Yeah there's nothing much we can for adults who make decisions we see as wrong. I dare say anything to adults doing things like that for risking my relationship / contact with the children.

Support all the way, well as much as we can.

I'm sorry you had an awful experience in the ED. There is no excuse but to say that no one is perfect. They may be stressed etc but it's not good to treat others seeking help negatively.

Your crafting of jewellery sounds like you are very creative! Do you make them to sell or for people you love? or both lol.

I would love to set up a BIG HUGE greenhouse. I might get some paid help to do this at some point this year. It might end up being my 'SHED' and I dream of how I could buy some solar powered lighting and work in there all night lol. I'm not sure if snakes and other visitors would be make an appearance though. I guess I won't know until I try.

Love to you in your healing journey!

xxxxEM

[Aaronsis]

Hi Ely

Sorry for the tardy reply, I too have been having an experience with teams in psychiatric wards this weekend, however, with my mother. This is really my first hand experience with a Psych ward, with mental health teams and nurses and social workers, it is alot for me so I can see how as a patient things can be overwhelming too. Mostly the nurses are amazing, I feel sorry that they are so stretched and don't have alot of support either, I guess this leads to them feeling frustrated and therefore seeming short or rude to the patients...I feel for everyone in these situations.

How wonderful that you have had time with your niece and nephew, that is really awesome that you could also take some time to help them with school work, sometimes having someone that is not mum or dad to help them makes all the difference, they are not all ready to attack and get defensive and seem to have more patience and more willing to have things explained, well this is to be true for my two. The fact you have reached out to help with school will also give your sister a break too which will be good for her too. It is disappointing she is spending time with her boyfriend chatting but I guess she needs some "her time" too and sometimes it does blurr...we are not in usual times so maybe she too is struggling with isolation and I am sure is trying to do the best she can, your help will no undoubtedly help so very very much.

I hope Ella is ok and I am sorry she is getting thin and her adjusting to the meds in effecting her spirit. I hope that she is ok Ely, a really tough time for you all.

How did the rearranging of your room go? It is always nice when you have some order and create a nice space for yourself, I find cleaning and throwing things out so cathartic. It is really good for the soul.

Hope that the sun is shining at your place today, I am about to sit outside with a coffee and soak up some sun, a bit fresh but it is glorious.

Hugs to you sweet

Sarah

[Ely_]

I weighed Ella this morning. She has lost 6kg in 3 weeks 😞 For a 28 kg (prior) lab x, this is nearly a quarter of her weight and it shows so much. She has lost a lot of the tone and muscle and just seems fragile now. The veins on her face are even sticking out sometimes. She is still eating, but she is tired again. She has been irritable with our other dog again too. I'm going to call the vet today.

I saw Oma and Mum yesterday for mother's day. The whole time we were at my mum's it was like walking on eggshells. I hope with time that things get less tense.

Today I am going to work on my Uni assignment. I have all the content for it, I just need to do the layout.

Fingers crossed for a day of less extreme emotions x

[Ely_]

I feel so low and defeated today.

We took the dogs to the beach yesterday and got some lovely last beachy pics with Ella. The vet said if this new increase in meds doesn't work in a week then next week will be time to assess the situation.

I shared a facebook post about BPD ( I usually share the ones that I relate to and like) the other night. My cousin wrote some lovely words to me about pushing through and leaving the past as the past. She means well. My friend who also has BPD who I met at the recovery centre in March mentioned a few things about how people can say all those lovely things and some days it doesn't matter in our heads coz we don't see it/remember it/feel it. We get stuck in whatever else is happening. She advised the family to do some research to understand BPD better. I 100% agree with her. But it turned into an hour long back and forth thing.....

I ended up commenting that I just wanted to bring awareness to my condition, not cause strife. Then I turned my phone off til yesterday morning. They kept going for another 3 or 4 comments...

I get where they were both coming from. Cousin has seen/known me forever, loves me and always will and wants to make sure I know that. Friend wants family to see that some ppl with BPD struggle to accept that.

Then ofc, had a whinging phonecall from Mum about it... Wanted me to pull my friend up. Nope, I'm not censoring someone who gets how I feel and actually has the guts to say it... So Mum n I started disagreeing. I eventually asked for a pause on that particular convo cause it was going nowhere except trouble. Which it worked thankfully.

Now today, I am finally home alone again. Spent a good few hours on my assignment this morning for uni. Trying to distract from SH.

Didn't work too well 😞

I'm having scary thoughts again. I had a psychology session yesterday about emotions and learning about them. I found it very difficult. I kept having flashbacks reading through some of the material. Like yep...that caused that ...caused that belief.... causes that emotion....causes this issue now... I didn't get time to talk that part through with my psych though.

I don't want to be like this any more.

I'm so so sick of being unwell. and the lack of support. I do NOT accept that my family are unable to support me. If they tried harder to understand they could. They just don't. It's bullshit. So alone. And now I can't even post on FB ever again. I have no friends left now anyways irl, they've disappeared.

[ecomama]

Hi Ely72

Sorry you had a bad period of the day. We really cannot expect anyone to truly understand our experiences but boy it helps when people try to. I'm sorry about your pet too.

You did really well to get more of your Uni work done, wow!
And made a trip to the beach. Making memories with those we love become poignant ones some times.

I just want you to know that you are not really alone. I know typing into the keyboard is not irl connection but it means a lot to me. I hope the support, if any, you get here is helping sometimes.

You can phone the BB helpline or any of them when you're feeling particularly low, maybe to talk through things you didn't get to complete with your counsellor? I need an 'ending' to some difficult sessions. Gosh I needed help with a brief interaction with my GPs receptionist yesterday! And she was nice to me.

Does your BPD move from feeling low to feelings of anxiety?

I actually saw someone talking with Russell Brand about EMDR and wonder if any other therapies may help beyond what I'm trying to deal with. Have you tried others?

I feel that we just can't give up. Well done for recognising SH feelings and stopping them.

And FB well.... it has it's good and bad. Take data if you like lol and see if it's balancing out for you. Ofcourse you can go back on there. Maybe an 'echo chamber' of only people who are showing understanding or kindness to you on there might help.

EM

[Ely_]

Thanks Ecomama,

I'm only just now really learning to tell what my emotions actually are. This week we spoke about anger and shame in depth. Everything on the shame handout was/is me 100%. I kept having flashbacks to my ex. Was incredibly triggering...

I'm still struggling.

I want my brain to just stop....

I have been doing things to keep busy and distracted. But once I stop the thoughts are there.

I don't want to hurt anyone, but I don't want to be here. Fighting the impulsiveness by keeping busy. Fighting the sh urges by sorting beads.

I could call a helpline, but theyd refer me to hospital maybe. And all they'll do is send me home with a sleeping tablet. It will just cause more stress for my partner n family. If I ring MH they'll give me some stupid advice like get exercise.

Nothing helps. I know all my strategies. Just cbf getting up and doing anything about them. Don't care. They only work for a minute anyways.

[Sophie_M]

Hi Ely72,

I hope you don't mind us popping back in again. We can hear how much you're struggling at the moment, and it sounds like you are doing your best to keep busy and take your mind off these thoughts. But please don't forget that you don't have to go through this alone. We are currently getting in touch via email with some extra support that you may find helpful tonight.

We hope you keep checking in here to keep our community updated on how you're feeling. 

[ecomama]

Hi Ely72

It's nice that Sophie reconnected with you. I hope you can look at the help offered.

Sometimes we can feel overwhelmed after a psych appointment. Can you let your psych know what happened after your appointment? It may help for any further potentially triggering subjects.

It sounds like you are doing a lot of intensive work on yourself. This can get our mind going on full throttle but we have the rest of our lives to sort things out. Just like an education doesn't happen overnight. It's done in small incremental steps.

I often feel like I'm in a really big hurry to just get well. I know thinking this way isn't helping me, so I've stopped that now.

I've also stopped doing hours of research per day on different things on my MH. When my thoughts are going full throttle, it's time for me to put a lot more self care things in for a lot longer. And doing different self care things too. "Taking our minds off it" like watching a funny movie or silly comedy TV shows allows our breathing to get back to normal and hopefully laugh.

I also know that activities like working physically hard in the garden etc really helps me sleep better.

They sound mild and I know our situation hasn't changed after these, but our perspective may alter and we can manage better.

EM

[Aaronsis]

Hey Ely

I am so sorry the past few days have been really tough and also that Ella is starting to lose weight so rapidly too. It really is such a hard time and I am wondering how she is today and how you are too?

I really like the idea of turning your phone off from time to time, to have a break from social media and the noise it can create. Afterall I have found FB to be just perspective, in that people usually just project a life that they would like or love to have and mostly it is not a true indication of how someone's life is. I don't usually see posts of people fighting with small kids to make them eat dinner or get in the bath, or when you drop you meal on the floor and the plate smashes and there is mess everywhere and you lose it. Or when the cat throws up and you have to clean the carpet....

Appointments with therapists can really be exhausting and I think being able to prepare sometimes for this too is helpful. To come home and have a bath, or to lay in a quiet room with some music and a hot water bottle, just to give yourself time to regenerate and to catch up if you like. Appointments are emotional and tough, they are supposed to be as we move through the pain and the issues in our lives to find answers to questions that sometimes have no answers. Kindness to you, not pain, not more suffering, just a nice place to recover from the session, however that looks like for you. It may even be just laying on the floor with Ella and holding her and smiling.

The sun is out here today and I have had a pretty rough week so just sitting for 10 minutes having my coffee with the sun shining on my face and warming my bones felt sooo good. I really really felt good after that....maybe if the sun is shining where you are you can get some of those rays and love into you too Ely.

Chat soon my dear friend

Sarah

[Ely_]

Hi, my average morning turned to a shit arvo and night.. SH'd badly, partner saw and overreacted. Eventually ambo called when I wouldnt stop. At ED now. No beds as usual. They wont be able to help me anyways. I'm having lots of thoughts and lack of impulse control. My partner said some things which are stuck in my head and made me feel worse.