Self harm urges and giving in

Ely_ · ‎03-02-2020

Hi,

I've been fighting not to self harm more lately as the urges are happening more often. Especially the last week. I have been struggling. I'm at the point now where I want to give in to the urge. I want the numbness. I want the relief. I don't want to fight it anymore.

I saw my abuser's daughter today and that has triggered me alot. I have PTSD and BPD.

I'm trying to distract myself, have been trying mindfulness.

I'm sick of not even being able to shower without wanting to hurt.

I'm so ashamed.

I feel weak and stupid.

Sophie_M · ‎05-04-2021

Hi Guest,

Thank you for coming here to relate to Ely72. We are concerned about your wellbeing and are trying to get in touch with you privately.

If you feel unable to keep yourself safe, this is an emergency and it's important to contact 000 (triple zero). We'd also encourage you to reach out to the friendly counsellors at Lifeline (13 11 14), or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467) to help talk you through this overwhelming desire that you are feeling.

You might also consider trying some of the management tips on our page "Self harm and self injury".

Thanks again for connecting with Ely72 on their thread here. If you'd like to seek some support from the community on what you are experiencing at the moment, we would encourage you to post about how you are feeling on your personal thread.

Guest_4593 · ‎05-04-2021

Take care ely. Hope u find the support u need .. good looking out mb20lover

Guest_4643 · ‎05-04-2021

What do you mean Guest_4593 by good looking out?

Guest_4593 · ‎05-04-2021

Just means ur a good person. Looking out for someone and checking in on them ... . . It's a nice comment

Guest_4643 · ‎06-04-2021

Oh sorry I'm stupid. Thanks for the kind words. I try to be kind and look out for others especially those with mental health issues as I know it all too well unforunately.

I hope you and Ely are safe

Aaronsis · ‎12-04-2021

Hey Ely

I am so pleased to see that when you were feeling so very low that you did reach out here and have a chat, let us know how you are feeling and that you were not feeling very good. I am so sorry for my tardy reply. I have been thinking of you and have so very many questions since the last time we spoke.

How did Easter work out for you and the family gatherings that you were dreading or anticipating the dread of telling them about your hospital visit, I am wondering how you went with that and if you chose to share it with them or if you kept it to yourself? I am also wondering if you did share how they responded to you?

How have things been in the past week? I was happy to hear that you had done some more beading and some of the things that do indeed make you feel, well feel ok, and feeling ok is well..ok.

I hope to chat to you some more Ely and hear of how you are doing this week and if there have been any days that have actually been somewhat easier for you, I really hope so.

Hugs to you

Sarah xx

Ely_ · ‎17-04-2021

Hi Sarah,

It's nice to hear from you. Easter was actually pretty good. I wore one of those tubular compression bandages on my arm, and it was a bit cool here, so my jacket as well. No questions, yay.

I've been pretty busy lately with uni. Really enjoying the subject matter. Not as much as coding or animation, but still finding it good fun.

I have also been doing a controlled withdrawal from one of my pain meds through the local AODS service (Alcohol and Other Drugs Service). It's been an experience, let me tell you. I haven't been able to focus much with the medication they had me on for about 10 days. Felt totally wrecked. Like I was drunk or high or something. It was horrible. Had the last dose yesterday, and I finally today and yesterday feel almost back to normal. I will probably still have a few days to a week of minor withdrawals but nothing major.

I'm still having my really bad moments, but atm I'm recognising that they will pass. I am very grateful for all that I have learnt over the last year that has led to me getting to this point. In the moment it's really hard to see the other side and to force yourself to focus on the other end of the tunnel, but for now it's doable.

I hope everything is okay with you atm,

thanks for replying,

Ely

Aaronsis · ‎22-04-2021

Hey Ely

It was so great to hear from you and even more wonderful to hear that your Easter was great. That made me smile so big. The compression bandage was a great idea, so well done on making yourself feel comfortable and avoiding any comments or conversation around that, I was so happy to read that.

I was even more excited to hear that you are enjoying Uni and that the subject matter is keeping you interested and engaged, that is fantastic. Being able to have some moments when you are able to say that you are feeling good and enjoying something is so wonderful and especially seeing that a few months ago you could not say that, you were really struggling to find things to enjoy, I am so very proud of you and the work that you are doing for your journey and making some really good steps forward, well done Ely..I am really so very happy for you.

WOW...the medication withdrawal happened quickly and the benefits to your thinking and feeling so very quickly, that is great that you are able to feel so good from doing this.

You say that you are very grateful for what you have learnt over the past year and that you are able to recognize that moments of pain are just that, a moment and that they mostly will not last. Can I suggest to you that the hard work you have done, the things you have engaged with to help yourself and the support you have reached out to receive have been driven by you and there for you actually have yourself to thank. Please acknowledge yourself in this equation too as without you the team of help just does not work effectively, as we know, there can be a huge team but if you are not apart of that it will not be as successful. So please take some time to think about how well you have done.

I am doing very well and thank you for asking how I am doing. Things this year seem to be getting back to my usual routine with kids at school and work life ramping up. I have been doing some painting and some volunteering with Beyond Blue too so that was awesome to get back out in to the community after 14 months of not being able to.

It really has been great to have such a positive reply from you Ely and I am so very proud of you and look forward to chatting some more to hear how you are going.

Hope today brings something to make you really happy and smile.

Hugs to you

Sarah xx

Ely_ · ‎04-05-2021

Hi Sarah and all,

This last week has been quite challenging. There have been lots of triggers. Lots of changes, mainly around my support workers and hours etc. I was overwhelmed on Thursday and harmed, ending up in ED for a number of hours. As usual they patch you up and send you on your way. At least they (Mental Health Team) called me for a few days to check on me this time. Follow through....yay..... (insert sarcastic eyeroll).

Today I had so many things going on. I had counselling this morning. Then the gardeners at the same time as a zoom call with my uni disability advisor; that was difficult. Then I had the most stressful meeting. I met with my support coordinator and the manager at a new support service company. I am thinking about having two companies working at the same time. Keep the current company for the shifts that at the moment are reliably getting filled, the weekday day shifts and saturdays. Use the new company for the weekday afternoon/evening shifts. The biggest two issues I think are that they don't 'administer' medication, and my meds are kept in a safe. My SC is going to talk to them about if they would just open the safe and watch me take them. Also, before they roster anyone on they want my psych to train them in my strategies... As if I can get my extremely busy psychologist to just drop everything to train some random I haven't even met yet...No bloody way. I want to meet them before they get any training...I understand that they want the staff to know about me and my complexities before coming here, but they don't need to know EVERYTHING and can't prior to being here. I was hoping that they could start maybe next week, but she said a couple of weeks all going well... 😞

My urges are more frequent, stronger and shouting loudly at me. The screaming just doesn't want to stop. No matter what walls of distraction I use, it's always there, breaking them down, again and again. I keep failing.

Sophie_M · ‎04-05-2021

Hey Ely72,

Thank you so much for updating us on how you've been going. We're so sorry to hear how difficult the last week has been for you, however you showed so much strength in seeking support from the ED. It sounds like it must be really upsetting and frustrating that these urges are feeling stronger and more frequent, but please know that extra support is always here for you, as often as you need when things are feeling like too much to cope with.

We'd urge you to keep reaching out to our Support Service ( 1300 22 4636), as well as our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14), or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467), whenever you need a bit of extra support. We think you are so strong Ely, and our community are here for you.