Scrambled

[Catie 08]

Hi. I am a survivor of childhood sexual assult and suffer with PTSD. I have been working really hard on my journey to wellness (seeing a psychologist, mindfulness, lots of self care etc) but some days I can't even think in a straight line, my head just feels scrambled. During my therapy I have become the master of avoidance and I over organise and plan for sessions before I go so that i take the safe way out and avoid the exposure therapy I should be doing. I don't even mean to do it but the instinct to protect myself is so strong. I'm a couple of days out from my next appointment so I'm thinking that's why I'm feeling so muddled but I feel that it's getting in the way of me making more progress during these sessions. Any suggestions on how to help in this situation??

[Catie 08]

The camping trip sounds like a great idea. I look forward to hearing all about it.
Yep, just finished work for the day (I know, bloody part timers!). Ended the day listening to the cranberries - ode to my family.
Talk soon.
C.

[Catie 08]

Hay Richie, how's things?

[Richie01]

Hey C,

things are what they are 🙂 coming to terms with everything slowly... I’m struggling to be honest but it’s what I have caused, willingly or not, I made the decisions that got me here.

feel like I’m so out of place not at work. Oh my god, I see my life as work or not !!! Guess I’ll work on that. Been checking your post to see if your ok, I don’t want to seem strange so I try not to be a pest or anything and refrain from posting a bit more than I actually want to but I do check in every couple of hours. I read way too much into absolutely everything don’t I!! But honestly, thanks for everything, without sounding dependant, your friendship has been a lifeline. How are you going? Did you go for a walk today?

[Catie 08]

Hay Richie, it's not strange, I do exactly the same thing. Checking in every couple of hours to make sure you ok but not wanting to post too much to harass you lol - two peas in a pod 😉

I worked 3.5 hours over time last night and another 3 hours today (end of financial year fun - it helps pay for therapy if nothing else). Managed to get a walk in before work today though.

We have just returned from taking the girls out floundering. It was bloody cold and we only got one but they loved it. The water was perfectly still and not a cloud in the sky so I spent my time looking at the stars more than i did looking for fish.
I did manage to do some writing today and i haven't felt able to for a while so that's a good sign.

When do you get to have the kids again?

Don't hesitate to write if you need to, it's better to have your thoughts out than to have them whizzing around in your head making things ten times worse. I'm never far away.

I actually started to read some of the other threads today and I felt it was making me feel worse. I'm just happy to stick with our threads, i feel safe here (in a weird open forum kind of way🙃) - I know you know what I mean.

[Richie01]

Hey,

Thats too funny, at least neither of us have to feel awkward I guess 🙂 in a weird open Forum kind of way lol.
have not seen the kids yet, having a pretty hard time at the moment. I guess I’m not pushing back the stuff I always have when I get back. Been doing it for so long and I’m realising just how big an impact internalising everything has had on me let alone everyone I care about. I think instead of dealing with it, I let it take over everything so yeah, see the therapist tomorrow first, try and get into a good place in myself and then get the kids for a few days. I love them so much but I can’t let my crap make them unhappy. I’ll get there 🙂

floundering, is that like netting or spearing? I went out on the yacht last night, caught some snapper and Jew, then the sharks paid a big visit.
ive looked at the other threads too, don’t get me wrong, they all definitely have merit but I find ours to be a really positive place so I stay here 😊

I’m writing so much lately, funny how you can read over things that make no sense and actually make sense of them. It comes together when the time is right I guess.
anything planned for the day?
You holding up ok?

chat soon,

richard

[Richie01]

And let’s agree to never feel like we post too much. It’s not a one sided thing we have. It’s a hard feeling to shake, we have to tho because it’s something I know we both carry around. From now on, just post anything or everything. I’m always here even if it’s just so you can get it off your chest. Can’t spend any more time thinking what we have to say is too much or our problem. 😊

[Catie 08]

Agreed, it's a deal. Anything and everything it is 😊.

I get it, I hope therapy goes well tomorrow. A few days with the kids will be nice, esspecially if you get to try out the new swags.

Floundering is spearing. I haven't been for years and our youngest kept harassing hubby yesterday "Dad, it's going to be low tide, can we go?" Is all we got from her all day long. It was fun but we might wait for it to warm up a bit before we go again it's so cold here at night at the moment.
Your fishing sounds a bit more exciting than I'm used to 🦈.

Currently cooking to get ready for lunches for the week ahead.

I'm going surprisingly well, esspecially considering it's therapy week again. I got a bit low when I was writing yesterday but managed to recognise what was going on and regulate my emotions on my own so im pretty happy with that. I dont always catch it in time before it takes hold but it looks like I'm starting to learn so all that money into therapy isn't a waste after all 😊.
C.

[Richie01]

That’s awesome that your doing well. I know it takes a toll but days like this really make us see how worthwhile it is.
i like that you do outdoors things with the family, too many people stay city bound these days, the kids really benefit from it.

therapy should be ok tomorrow, we always overthink it don’t we 🤔 but I’m expecting a lot from finally going through it all so we have to aim high. I know money is an issue surrounding this treatment. It’s hard to say to someone that we spend x amount so we can talk to someone. But hey, at least our chats are free right 🙂 I’m trying to get my finances in line now, so different just giving Sehra 500 a week, then having the other 3/4 to allocate. I never realised how much I spent on crap!!! Gotta grow up now tho, no one to keep me in line lol.

What’s on the lunch menu this week? I miss the cooking for the family, it was my thing 🙁

[Catie 08]

Lol, I'm a country kid. I grew up on our family farm so I love the outdoors. We have 12 acres where we are now, I just couldn't imagine living in the city all the time.

Its good to have high expectations about therapy but don't forget there will be days that you might not feel like your making any progress. Just remember that its all part of the journey and to keep pushing through. It WILL be with it in the end. I truly feel that our chats have been just as important and play a huge part in the progress I've made.

Vanilla and chocolate cupcakes egg and bacon pies and zucchini slice (trying to be a little bit healthy). Im on an off pay week so i do tend to cook more when im feeling poor lol.
C.

[Richie01]

Zucchini slice is not as bad as everyone makes out.
im a semi country kid too. Well, rural at least. Cities and me don’t mix. Think that’s why I love the water, it’s a solitude of sorts.

I agree 120%. There will be the no progress days. That’s where I gave up 10 years ago. I keep thinking what if I hadn’t but back then, I did what I had to, now I’m doing what I choose to. Our chats have given me something I can’t fathom nor explain. It’s the understanding that takes my breath away. Like I’ve lived a lifetime alone in the thoughts that now I realise I’m not alone in. It’s crap what we have had to deal with but If anything positive can come from it, let’s take this as the first sign🙂.
9am appointment 😬 wish me luck!!!
Im glad we found this C, it’s something I’ll hold close for the rest of my days.
I could use my generic “take care” but instead I’ll say thank you, because that’s what I mean every time I say that.

richard