Scrambled

Catie 08 · ‎04-05-2020

Hi. I am a survivor of childhood sexual assult and suffer with PTSD. I have been working really hard on my journey to wellness (seeing a psychologist, mindfulness, lots of self care etc) but some days I can't even think in a straight line, my head just feels scrambled. During my therapy I have become the master of avoidance and I over organise and plan for sessions before I go so that i take the safe way out and avoid the exposure therapy I should be doing. I don't even mean to do it but the instinct to protect myself is so strong. I'm a couple of days out from my next appointment so I'm thinking that's why I'm feeling so muddled but I feel that it's getting in the way of me making more progress during these sessions. Any suggestions on how to help in this situation??

Rumples · ‎04-05-2020

Hi Catie 08 :0)

The very first - (BIG hug). Thank you so much for reaching out to us today, we know that it is not an easy thing to do. I'm so sorry to hear what you've been going through, it sounds like it's a really overwhelming and difficult time for you right now. But please know that you've come to a safe, non-judgemental space to express your thoughts and feelings, and I, along with our wonderful community is here to provide you with as much support, advice and conversation as you need.

I really would love you to reach out to 1800RESPECT, a 24/7 confidential information, counselling and support service which you can access via phone or webchat at 1800 737-732 or https://www.1800respect.org.au. Another option is the Beyond Blue Support Service. Our Support Service is available 24/7 by phone on 300 224-636 on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyongblue.org.au/getsupport.

Honestly, I truly believe you would benefit sooooooo much from engaging with one of the above.

Waiting to hear back from you.

Your friend - Rumples xxx

Aaronsis · ‎04-05-2020

Hi Catie 08

I have no experience with sexual abuse and I am so very sorry as I have mentioned to you in another thread, that you have had to experience this horrific behavior, that as a result you suffer as an adult.

What I have experienced though is seeking professional help, mine was for grief and trying to process my brother's suicide. I too can totally relate to not being able to think in a straight line, thoughts are mashed and losing train of thought and worrying what I have forgotten, thinking about what I was going to say then having it lost, feeling frustrated and essentially the whole thing going to mud.

So I used to write, what I was thinking, things I wanted to talk about, feelings I was having, things I thought but thought I better not think...I just wrote it all. A few days before the session I could email these to my therapist. She would lead the session, I had no way then to avoid, as I didn't know which part she was going to focus on, she was always gentle and so very amazing and I felt like I got what I needed from the session, without the pressure, without avoiding and she too could see where I was placed as I had purged it all, sometimes so very much easier than talking but sure does fill in the gaps for the therapist.

I am not sure if this feels like something that could work for you or if emailing her is an option. You could ask?

I just know I am proud of you for reaching out, getting the healing you need and making a good life for you among what has been a truly horrendous crime. You are worth a beautiful life and you are taking control to do that. Sure it feels like a mess of mash sometimes, but I can say that I am still healing but I still write too...plus I have a dear friend to purge to ...it makes the world of difference.

All the very best for your session and I hope you can get something from my thoughts tonight.

Hugs Catie 08

Sarah

Catie 08 · ‎04-05-2020

Hi Rumpled and Sarah, Thank you for taking the time to reply.

Rumpled- I appreciate your suggestion about using one of the support services but I'm totally worked up about talking to someone iv e been seeing for months so I'm not sure starting fresh with someone new is going to work??

Sarah-
I do love to write, I write all the time. It can certainly help but when I get this worked up its all jumbled up just like my mind.
I just went and had a warm bath to try and calm down and ended up in a anxiety attack.. I just wish it's wasn't so hard. I know that talking about it can't hurt me but the reflex to run is so strong. I know that if i can stick it out and it is all for the greater good but by going to therapy and avoiding the real work that needs to be done it makes me feel 10 times worse and I end up punishing myself for not doing what needs to be done. I'm really hard on myself. Throw working from home and home schooling my kids into the mix and it makes for a pretty exhausting time. #damnyoucovid

Catie 08 · ‎04-05-2020

Sorry Rumples - auto correct 🥴

Rumples · ‎05-05-2020

All good Catie 08 :0)

Richie01 · ‎05-05-2020

Hi Catie 08,

Im so glad you have started a thread. It really is a big step especially for us who haved the life of silence.

The instinct you speak of, to protect yourself, god its a powerful one. I feel exactly the same way every time i even think about getting help. I pretty much convince myself that it isnt what i should be doing, that i cant face this even though i know i have to, that for everything good that will come, there is too much hurt to face. As you know, im only just getting started on this journey but i dont know if i told you i tried to once before. 10 years ago i was in therapy, i was seeing drs, CBT, i was admitted to a mental health hospital for months, i was doing all of the right things.... I felt exposed and as i was harder on me than anyone. I couldnt face the past, couldnt deal with people knowing, i didnt feel that i deserved to be happy and i couldnt see a life without my past so what did i do? What i always do, I ran Catie08. I ran and hid it for 10 years. Please dont run, if i hadnt, maybe i wouldnt be on this forum, maybe id be home with my kids, maybe i wouldnt have pushed everyone away. I dont know but i do know that because i did, because i was so good at procting the parts of me that i didnt want the world to see, so afraid to let go of everything that had got me through, i failed to protect the parts of me that make life so special. Maybe id still be having panic attacks and feeling guilty for considering spending time selfishly trying to come with myself too. Who knows. But i wouldnt be wondering what if.

If your scrambled, be scrambled.Its ok to be unsure, confused, cautions. Because when you have those moments where you are not, you realise you were protecting yourself. That our minds are not familiar with the concept of being ok with talking through our feelings and thoughts, with not being on guard, with not feeling alone. We have learned not to, or more correctly, were forced not to feel that.

Im with you in this, every time you feel alone, know that your not alone. We dont know each other but i think we understand each other in ways other people will never fathom.

Take care and definitely #damnyoucovid

Ive started writing again too, its been 10 years since i could and yeah, it gets jumbled up but so what. It is a picture of our thoughts, our mind trying to make sense of a senseless thing that has taken so much from us. If it made sense all of the time, then it wouldnt be honest.

Stay in touch.

Catie 08 · ‎05-05-2020

Hi Richie01,
Thanks for commenting here. I like how you said that it's ok to be scrambled and it's ok for the writing to be jumbled.

That makes me smile.

I know I'm just freaking out about tomorrow's appointment I do this every time. I start to over think, over plan and worry about what we will talk about to the point that I forget to breath and have crippling anxiety.

I know we have spoken about running before and not telling everyone the whole story... I have been in and out of therapy for years but this is the first time I have really committed everything to this. It took for me to have a full breakdown before I realised that it had to stop and for it to work I had to be a completely open book. Last time I got like this I tried to tell one of my work mates, freaked out when I felt they knew too much and I wasn't in control and I quit my job and went where no one knew me. I don't want to run but it's so hard it hurts. I know if I can have a good (productive) therapy session tomorrow i will feel better but i know how hard i am on myself if it doesnt go well. Fingers crossed things go well.

Richie01 · ‎05-05-2020

Hey,

One foot in front of the other right. Say what you can when you can and dont forget to pause and take a breath.

If your anything like me, you will always feel like you should have said or opened up more afterwards. It doesnt mean you didnt give it your all, speaking about it is more than you ever could do for so long. You have already gone further than your all used to be so dont be hard on yourself if you feel like it didnt go well. If ive learned anything, things generally didnt go as bad or unproductively as i thought they did after the storm in my head has had a chance to settle.

I know how much it hurts. If nothing else, know that i truly feel your pain. Running got you here, it has served its purpose as it did for me. We ran not knowing where the road ended, we didnt choose the turns along the way. The road has lead you here to tomorrows appointment and every productive appointment you will have after that. Think back, before the appointments, did you ever believe you would let yourself open up at all? Look how far you have come Catie 08, you are here now, on this forum, talking about fears that you would have run from in the past. If thats not progress, if thats not productive, then i dont know what is.

I too know what its like to open up, to feel like someone knows too much and to freak out. This is our life, this is what we know and how much effort does it take to keep it inside for all of those years? When we know that our deepest secret is out, when what we have hidden is no longer hidden, that is a feeling that pierces straight through us. As if a lifetimes work building a wall to protect ourselves has just come undone. But hey, your here, your putting your thoughts out there and guess what, your not running. Thats no small feat!!!

Keep writing, let the scrambled words make sense if to no one else other than yourself. Tomorrow will be a good day, your session will give you another piece to the puzzle, try to relax as best you can and take the time to breathe.

Let us know how how tomorrow goes. If you run out of thoughts or feel like you cant talk about something, talk about the new forum you are a part of, think about it being ok to have scrambled thoughts, that the words are allowed to be jumbled and smile.

Take care

Richard.

Catie 08 · ‎05-05-2020

Thank you, thank you thank you.... if the kids weren't in the room now I would be bawling my eyes out. Thank you for getting it. I really feel that you JUST GET IT. I know youll know what I mean 😊.
Ill let you know what happens tomorrow.