Scrambled

[Catie 08]

Hi. I am a survivor of childhood sexual assult and suffer with PTSD. I have been working really hard on my journey to wellness (seeing a psychologist, mindfulness, lots of self care etc) but some days I can't even think in a straight line, my head just feels scrambled. During my therapy I have become the master of avoidance and I over organise and plan for sessions before I go so that i take the safe way out and avoid the exposure therapy I should be doing. I don't even mean to do it but the instinct to protect myself is so strong. I'm a couple of days out from my next appointment so I'm thinking that's why I'm feeling so muddled but I feel that it's getting in the way of me making more progress during these sessions. Any suggestions on how to help in this situation??

[Richie01]

It is a place where the parts of us we have to hold back no longer have to be held back. Where Our silence has a voice. It’s a community, a social bubble if you will where when we ask “how are you”, our ears and our hearts are open. There is no “I’m fine thanks”, there is the raw truth and that’s something special.
It does feel like it’s a private conversation, I’m guessing that’s why you have placed emphasis on the “community” there. I’ll admit, sometimes I forget I’m posting these things on a forum, it really does feel like I’m chatting with someone I have known for an age but I would write the same words regardless of that fact. It’s strange, I read what I have written and it’s everything I want to say, no censoring, no guard. I’m me, the me who always anticipates rejection and has feared it in ways that cut deeper than I felt anyone could imagine. Yet here I am, me. Through this, there has been a change in me that I never imagined would ever be possible, it truly is us helping us to help each other in ways we have never had help. I do write too much, I know that I tell myself to keep it short this time and with all intentions to, I start typing. Unfortunately, I seem to fail that every time 🤦‍♂️ I’m lucky your tolerant lol.

[Catie 08]

OMG i am sooooo tired!!! 😴. I hardly slept last night and im so exhausted now. I had a billion thoughts racing through my head when I went to bed and tossed and turned until I just got up. It's the first time whilst I've been on the meds that I couldn't sleep.
I am hopeless without sleep!
😴😴😴😴😴

[Richie01]

That sucks, physically and mentally tiring, it’s a maze when your mind does that. I only sleep like four hours a night but if I don’t get that, I’m useless lol. Hopefully it was a one off, I know you’ve had a pretty full on weekend and that would definitely have contributed to that. Hope your thoughts have settled a bit today. Are you working? Gold star for me today by the way, I managed a fully clothed run all by myself😆

Have a good day, I’m sure you’ll sleep well tonight.

[Catie 08]

4 hours!!! Omg I'm such a baby lol I need my full 8 hours to function like a normal human.
I warned my boss this morning that I'm a bit sleep deprived and it could be a bit of a lucky dip for customers calling up 😂. She wasn't too worried, its just a matter of all hands on deck at the moment. End of financial year is always a bit crazy.
Mind was in a million different places last night, you know how it gets.
Hay, nice work.. a run WITH cloths 🏅, things are looking up. Pooring with rain here so no beach walk today, torture by treadmill after work it is 😊
C.

[Richie01]

Ha, im sure youll have them eating out of your hand like last time 😉

Yep, im reading you loud and clear on the million thoughts. Sometimes its like someone keeps changing the channel every five seconds, other times its like every channel is on at the same time with the volume on full.Its hard to find the mute button, even harder to pull the plug out because the remote wont turn it off!!!

Tax time, god this year has flown. Has also been the longest one in so many ways.... funny how that works. I need to see an accountant this year i think. I never get anything back!!!!

Your boss is obviously pretty understanding, thats a real plus. 8hrs would be amazing, cant remember the last time i had that. Lucky i have my own coffee machine!!!!

Id love it to rain here, it was actually two degrees here this morning, winter is coming!!

Carole King - youve got a friend popped onto my playlist today. Was a nice change.

Richard

[Catie 08]

I remember as a little kid having weird dreams. They were really fast paced and lots of flashes of light. They were about nothing in particular, almost like a black tornado with flashes of light in them. Last night as I was finally nodding off I noticed my eyes flickering with all of the thoughts flashing through my head and getting the same thing. I guess it's just what happens when you have so much on your mind. I don't even known if that makes sense???? I remember telling mum about it when I was little and she just dismissed it 🤷‍♀️
I work in superannuation - crazy busy! Don't worry, I don't get anything back at tax time either.
I'll add it to my playlist.for tomorrow, thanks 😊
C.

[Richie01]

It’s strange to think about our dreams, i won’t say I have the same dreams but I do have some that seem to block the bad ones. The million mile an hour dreams seem to leave no space for the ones that I can’t bear. I have had, for as long as I can remember, a couple of really bad dreams that play over in my mind but over the last few years, they have crept into thoughts I have during the day, I’ll be honest and say that honesty, they terrify me. They are not dreams, I know that they are memories but if I call them dreams, it makes them seem less powerful. I still have never talked about any of them bar one. Sometimes I can block them out and that’s when my mind goes into overdrive, especially when I’m trying to sleep. Unless I’m exhausted, sleep doesn’t happen. Guess that explains the four hours. The nights I do sleep well, I dream about nothing or everything at once. But I wake up exhausted, like I’ve been running a marathon. I actually find that the nights I sleep too long are followed by the days where I can’t cope. Anyway, that’s life for me. I’m used to that. Maybe I spend everything I have fighting off what I can’t handle, or maybe not. It’s all a bit confusing.
Superannuation! That’s funny, I actually talked about that in therapy. How I never knew what I had there because I never planned the future, I always focused on today not tomorrow because subconsciously the thought of me being the same as I am today in fifty years scares the crap out of me. I never saw just how much that had become a part of me, I couldn’t see a future without this pain so I didn’t see one or plan for one. I feel stuck in one place in life if that makes sense.(Here I go again, off on some tangent!!!!).
im stressing about going home, well back to life away from work is what it is now I guess. I start to overthink like crazy a couple of days before I leave here, I think the term “downhill run” applies quite literally to me in more ways than one lol.

anyway, that’s enough about me.

I think how you explained your dreams makes sense, not sure I could explain it but I understood quite clearly what you meant. We don’t get much of a break in our thoughts, it really does take a toll. Maybe it is our way of dealing with that part of things, to think of nothing or of too many things? I’m not a dream expert but it seems logical 🤷🏻‍♂️

How was the rest of your day C?I hope you manage to get into a space where rest is possible for you tonight.
chat soon,

richard

[Catie 08]

I can tell your starting to worry about home.... or not work🙄. Can you use your writing to help channel some of this stress and worry? I know things aren't as you want them to be but there are some positives... think of the time that you will have with your little people, you can get out on the boat and catch awesome fish that I could only dream of. Every therapy session that you'll do will get you one step closer to not having this crap rule your life... and last but not least.... PEARCE FREE TIME 🥳. You know I can only imagine what home time is for you but I'm here for you to lean on, your not doing it alone.

Honestly, I never though too much about super until I started working with it, it's just one of those things that we expect will just be there when we are old, wrinkly and too old to really enjoy 🤷‍♀️.
I didn't get on the treadmill today, I worked an extra 3 hours instead😖. I came downstairs when my day finally ended and the kids had cooked cupcakes and hubby walked in with roast chicken and veggies. It was a nice way to finish the day 😊.

[Richie01]

What an end to the day, all the work already done 🙂

Yeah, the thought of the upcoming 'Not work' isnt going so great. Been like that for a while tho, guess lately its just been magnified. Thanks, It means alot to me that you to understand that, i never really felt anyone ever could.To top it off, i got a message from the ATO saying i didnt put in two tax returns over 14 years ago!! God, i cant remember where i was or what i was doing that long ago let alone if i did a return or not!! Not really sure what im going to do there, i tried hunting down any stuff i could but came up blank. (Was a pretty hopeless time in my life too, so thats bringing up massive anxiety just thinking about those few years of my life).I assume ill cop a fine for starters. When it rains it pours!!! Story of my life, this last six months has been best six months ever!!!, I guess theres a lining to that cloud tho .😊 Whats next is all i keep asking....

Your right, I cant wait to see the kidlets, going to make sure im there for them and that i dont waste the little time i now have to watch them grow up.

Just gotta suck it up and move forward. Have an appointment first thing monday so thatll be good, i actually feel really positive towards going there now. Are you still on for tomorrow? I know its been a pretty full on few days for you but you do sound like your in a better place. Did you manage to get some sleep last night?

Hope works going ok today. Take care

[Catie 08]

14 years ago!! That's nuts. Dont you only have to keep records for 7 years? Why has it taken them so long to follow it up? Hmmm defiantly time for a tax agent to check that one out.

I'm glad to hear that your jumping straight into things on Monday morning and that your positive going into it. You've got this!

So I still have my appointment for tomorrow 🤦‍♀️ All week I've been yes, I'm going and then no I'm not and now it's too late to cancel so looks like I'm going. I don't want to do more exposure stuff but I just want to talk to him about how I reacted and how confused I am. I know I'm not supposed to plan and organise going into therapy but this stuff is HARD and I don't think a little planning and preparation will hurt if it helps me to actually make progress in therapy????
I don't know, maybe I'm just pushing myself to hard???? I guess going too much is better than not going at all???

Work is still busy but not yesterday busy. No overtime for me today, I feel completely cooked after yesterday's effort but did manage some decent sleep so that's something.
C.