Scrambled

[Catie 08]

Hi. I am a survivor of childhood sexual assult and suffer with PTSD. I have been working really hard on my journey to wellness (seeing a psychologist, mindfulness, lots of self care etc) but some days I can't even think in a straight line, my head just feels scrambled. During my therapy I have become the master of avoidance and I over organise and plan for sessions before I go so that i take the safe way out and avoid the exposure therapy I should be doing. I don't even mean to do it but the instinct to protect myself is so strong. I'm a couple of days out from my next appointment so I'm thinking that's why I'm feeling so muddled but I feel that it's getting in the way of me making more progress during these sessions. Any suggestions on how to help in this situation??

[Richie01]

Oh s#it yes to that!!!! 2020 can be surgically removed from my brain with no anesthetic!!!! Hope it’s nothing serious, I know how bad backs can be, not first hand but close enough to know. You deserve be a break for sure. Fingers crossed you’ve just been doing too much on the treadmill.
hows everything else going?

[Catie 08]

Feeling a bit deflated today.

Still waiting to get the results from the scan.

It's like some crule game, let's see how much more shit we can throw at her before she gives up.
If i were a farm animal they would just put me out of my misery - I mean, I'm not even any good for spare parts - I'm all busted up!

It's really cold here today (snow on the hills) but the sun is out so I'll try and get out for a walk in the sun. Might even do some more uni stuff, it might be a good distraction?

It's probably going to be nothing but the not knowing is hard.

What are your plans today?

[Richie01]

Hope you are feeling a little better this afternoon. Boiling hot here lol, can’t say I’m envious that it’s freezing there. I have the kids for the afternoon, just doing the same boring stuff but they seem to like it. So hard trying to get any kind of routine going for them!!! I went for a fish at 3 again this morning, still not sleeping too well. Sick of it all to be honest. Just want my life back but yeah... what’s on the cards for the weekend? Any news from the scans today?

[Catie 08]

I like the idea of your early morning fishing. If I was just around the road you'd have yourself a deck hand 😉

I didn't hear back from the Dr... I guess I'll be waiting until next week sometime 😖.

Soccer tomorrow and maybe a bush walk Sunday with a friend.... we'll see what the weather does.

What are your plans?

[Richie01]

Hey C,

yep, you could tag along for sure. It is a great way to clear the head for a while. How did soccer go? Did you go for a walk today? Hope everything’s going ok. Same same here, took the kids to laser tag mini golf and dodge ems yesterday but had half a melt down when I dropped them off, birthday party next door with everyone I know and the kids/ ex going. Hits home a little hard to be honest!!!!! Still can’t work out where it all went wrong, have moments where I stop blaming myself and there actually are a lot of things I didn’t cause but you know us, we have a tendency to shift blame back to us.... gotta love it 😬

hows everything going with the nerves? Any better?
rich

[chloe_xx]

Hi Catie08,

I hope you are okay and everything goes well, fingers crossed it's only a sore strain. I know and completely understand how stressful, challenging and hard this year has been, hopefully it is onwards and upwards in 2021.

I am saddened to her that your daughter has been bullied, that is absolutely horrible and I wish her nothing but the best. It is great that you have such a strong bond with your daughter that she had the confidence to talk to you about it and that you provided her with the support she needs.

I wish you all the best,

Chloe

[Catie 08]

Hi Chloe,

Thank you for you kind words. She is dealing with it very well. I just remember feeling so alone when I was her age so I've always made myself present and avaliable for my kids 😊.

It turns out I have three compressed discs and arthritis in one of the facet joints in my neck. Thankfully I can manage this for now without any extra intervention, ill just keep monitoring it.

Hi Richie,

How was your appointment today??

I went for two walks over the weekend (both in the rain) but I do feel better for it.
Therapy on Wednesday.... my original plan was to talk to my brother before this but it just doesn't feel right... not quiet the right time. I'm sure I'll know when the time is right 😉

C.

[Richie01]

Hey C,

glad you got out for a couple of walks. Rain or not, if you feel better for it, that’s great. Sorry to hear about the disc, I know it’s manageable but I’ll bet it’s the last thing you feel like dealing with at the same time. I’m really glad your kids have you there for them, if nothing else, that’s all I can hope to be able to be for mine.
therapy went ok, dr wants me and sehra to have a joined session to try and get some communication opened again, don’t know what the outcome will be but somethings better than nothing right?? my doc thinks I need that before moving forward with my past....

Definitely wait for the right time, it’s not something to be rushed or forced. I know it’s important to you to talk to him about it but the most important thing is that you are as prepared as you can be. You’ll know when the right time is and I’ll be here if you need to chat about it all.
Back to work on Wednesday so that’s my time in the real world done for another three weeks!!! Goes so fast.
take care C, you know I’m here if you want a chat any time.
rich

[Catie 08]

Yep, I feel like I'm standing on the edge of a cliff with my arms outstretched yelling "bring it on" "what else can you throw at me?" Surly there can't be more?

That's really interesting they they want you to do some joint therapy. I can see how that could be really helpful. Do you have some joint appointments booked in?
Wow, those 3 weeks have flown past. You certainly kept yourself busy in the first couple with all of those appointments though.

Today's music inspo Mad World - Gary Jules. It's an oldie but I love the sound 😊

[Catie 08]

I've got the pre therapy jitters again. I know it's kind of silly because this is my story and nothing we talk about is new to me yet somehow I still manage to get myself worked up. You would think I'd learn 🙃.
I've tried a couple of times today to sit and write but I feel like I'm writing in circles - so not very productive.
Mad World on repeat again today.