Scrambled

[Catie 08]

Hi. I am a survivor of childhood sexual assult and suffer with PTSD. I have been working really hard on my journey to wellness (seeing a psychologist, mindfulness, lots of self care etc) but some days I can't even think in a straight line, my head just feels scrambled. During my therapy I have become the master of avoidance and I over organise and plan for sessions before I go so that i take the safe way out and avoid the exposure therapy I should be doing. I don't even mean to do it but the instinct to protect myself is so strong. I'm a couple of days out from my next appointment so I'm thinking that's why I'm feeling so muddled but I feel that it's getting in the way of me making more progress during these sessions. Any suggestions on how to help in this situation??

[Catie 08]

Therapy done.

Today we spoke about when I was being harassed at work and how when I came forward I wasn't believed.

The lessons I had learnt from childhood told me to just deal with it - so I did. It wasn't until another lady came forward and made a complaint about him that my world fell apart, for the first time in my life, I realised I wasn't in control.

I still struggle with the idea of "if I had just spoke up the other lady wouldn't haven't go through it". Up until that point I had always told myself that I'll be right, toughen up, yourve delt with this before you can do it again. Some how I was ok with it because it was only happening to me... It's just me so I doesn't matter... but the moment that someone else was hurt by my inability to act it wasn't ok.

I ended up leaving that job and going somewhere where no one knew my story. I stupidly thought I could leave my past behind me. Fast forward to today - life doesn't work like that, your demons follow where ever you go and infiltrate every part of your existance until you simply can't cope anymore.

I'm really proud of the progress I've made but I also have a fair way to go. My beautiful husband is trying to encourage me to talk to my family and whilst I know he has the best intentions it's another layer of pressure that I don't need. I put enough pressure on myself as it is. This has to be my choice and done my way when I'm ready.

I have a massage booked for this afternoon which I'm really looking forward to. #selfcareWednesdays

One day at a time 🥰

[Catie 08]

Axitey is bad tonight. Trying to slow the breathing down. Too much over thinking.
😖

[Catie 08]

Just managed an hour on the treadmill, feeling a lot better 🧘‍♀️

Why does it take me so long to remember to reach for my tool kit of things that I know work?? Better late than never 😊

[Richie01]

Hey C,

Sorry I’ve been absent here. Ive been having one of those weeks where i just cant get it together and yeah, sorry for being a crappy friend. On the plus side, I’m back at work where i feel like i belong somewhere so the next three weeks will be much better .😂

Im glad you got some treadmill time in and you are feeling a bit better today. Sucks that yesterday was a tough one, i really do understand what its like and i feel for those comments a lot. Have you managed to do any writing? I have been trying but scrambled is definitely the word for what’s been coming out. Please tell me you have been doing some cooking with some horrible 70s beat in the background full noise... I know thats something that brings your spirits up (maybe not the 70s part i guess).

It sounds like you have had a lot on your plate, I cant imagine how that would have been for you but its not your fault C, that shit isn’t anything you deserved nor is it your fault he did it to someone else, I know that doesn’t change the way you feel about it but for what its worth, screw him. We take on too much responsibility, its what we do, we feel guilt where others feel nothing, we question the what ifs where others have no questions and thats us, thats who we became because of what we endured. You will never hear me tell you its silly to think that way, ill never tell you its not right because even if we know its not right, our minds wont let us accept that. Its us, but you know what, in a way i think its also pretty special and gives us an emotional strength others will never have, for better or worse, we feel what others dont and its not always for the worse which is the most important thing to remember as hard as that can be to do.

I hope the weather has been nicer there for you this week, how has work been for you? Have you been getting much of the course done when you have time?

Ill be here more often from now on, sorry again, I really do feel like I haven’t been here for you and ill make sure i am from now on .🙂

Rich

[Richie01]

Hey,

So forgive me for the next minute of your life you won’t get back but i feel like i owe you a sample of me when I’m not making sense of things. Ive shared the times i make sense but want you to see the times it isn’t all together...

If i could take a memory and hold it in my hand,

Close my eyes and sculpt it blindly,

Shape it from the pain, reshape it with my hate, wash it with my tears,

Never see what it has become, Only In my minds eye does it exist as an image,

I just feel its hurt, touch the sharp edges that it has formed,

Run my fingertips over its rough surface,

Feel the bitter coldness of this creation against my cheek,

Then let the tears soften the clay so it can be reshaped,

Always changing, but always the same,

If i opened my eyes i may see a masterpiece but i never do,

I hold them tightly shut and wash away what i have done,

Forget the work and catch the next memory as it comes to me,

Then start again, sculpting, dreaming, feeling blindly.

Washing with tears again, never allowing myself to see past the guard my eyes hold.

Endlessly seeking the perfect shape and feel that never comes,

Never feeling the warmth, never smooth to the touch, never left long enough to dry.

I take every memory and hold it in my hand,

I try to change them, i try to make them beautiful but i can never let them be,

I can never see what i have made, they will never be enough, they never change.

Everything stays the same, only the shape is new,

Still the same cold rough clay that the memories hold,

Endlessly changing but never changing.

The feelings never go away, my eyes are always closed, I’m lost in this,

I am trying to change what cant be, what must be,

They can never change but my eyes must open, i must see what they are,

Memories cant go away, changing them wont work, i need to change me.

One step after another....... sculpt me, not the memories,gently....

So, thats me scrambled. Felt i owed you an explanation. I dont think anyone could make sense of that but i do. I know you dont judge me for this kind of expression. Honestly, your the only person I’ve ever felt comfortable sharing this side of me with. Maybe its an unspoken understanding, maybe its not needing to hide the truth that does that, I’m really not sure but its there and I’m glad it is. I know its an open forum but i also know its a place where we will never be judged so here is where i get to be me.

Hi, full on borderline melodramatic and overly expressional Richie is back lol.😂

[Catie 08]

Yay Richies back!!!!

Don't stress about not being about, you'll be here when you can or when you need to be and when you need some time out it's always waiting here for you when your ready again 😊

I just kept posting, some days are good and others not so much but sometimes just writing what is going on helps 🙂

I like how you wrote
"Everything stays the same, only the shape is new,

Still the same cold rough clay that the memories hold,

Endlessly changing but never changing"

I can see in myself how much has changed in the last 6 months and yet I'm still me and this stuff still happened to me so really it hasn't changed at all. It's all still there, just in a different shape - I get it.

No 70s music but today I did have John Farnham on to try and keep my mood up. How can you not smile at a bit of Farnsy?

I liked what you said about us having an emotional strength that others don't, i totally agree. I saw an example of this just this week at work and your right, it's nice to have that. One good thing to come if it all 😊

Soccer tomorrow and then detecting on Sunday with the club. Let's hope the weather cooperates. At least the days are starting to lengthen now.

C.

[Catie 08]

I've just found out that detecting has been cancelled this weekend 😔.. that means I don't see my brother... which means I won't be talking to him....

I thought it might happen too 😖

[Richie01]

So make it happen if that’s what you want. Grab the detectors, find an obscure location with a bit of history about it, arrange to meet and either it’ll be the right time and you can talk or it’ll be the wrong time but you can talk about other things. I always waited for the right time, it never came. I read into things too much and just kept thinking to myself that it’ll all come together one day. It didn’t, I know in a way, I always found a way to avoid it, maybe I didn’t realise at the time but I do realise that now. I didn’t allow myself the chance to talk to sehra, having the chance doesn’t mean you have to do it, you can’t plan it all out to a tee, it has to come from the moment but don’t avoid the chance for that moment I guess is what I mean. I’m not saying that’s what your doing, I’m just saying that’s what I did and I see that now.
I do stay away sometimes, not that I don’t want to write here, just that I don’t want my lowest moments to impact others I guess. I can write from the heart and express my deepest thoughts well but I can also express the pain too well when it all comes tumbling down. I’ve seen what that does and yeah, I hope that makes sense. Still blows me away all of this, sharing what I never could..... hard to come to terms with some days in so many ways. How is it possible to share what we have guarded so long so freely??? It is special but so bizarre at the same time lol.
Farnsey lol, can’t say I don’t mind the guy. I’ve been in a real strange musical place lately. Talking heads and Kate miller heidke with a bit of Florence and the the machine thrown in there.... tonight tho I’m rocking the Romeo and Juliet soundtrack from my early teens. I think that’s where I first really appreciated music. Brings back an era of so much confusion but some good youthful vibes 🙂.
god I am in a weird head space aren’t I, I’m just rambling on about nothing!!! Gotta love the highs and lows right 🤷🏻‍♂️

[Anzee]

Wow just read your original post and I honestly could have written it myself, even to the point of planning my conversation with my psychologist (although I only revealed to her my childhood trauma last week) I was seeing her about anxiety issues so I still have a lot of decisions to think about before I start the healing and recovery of my abuse but I’m already shit scared how I’m going to cope if I do go through with the referral and therapy she offered me.

i hope you can work through it and heal from the unfairness that comes with being a survivor of childhood abuse. You’re amazing and strong 💪🏼 ❤️

[Catie 08]

Hi Richie,

I called my brother!!! 😳🙃🤯 phase two complete 🥳

He was super supportive but totally shocked. He assured me that nothing happened to him (I am so thankful for this news!!!)

Just one more phase (conversation) to go... the hardest one.... mum and dad.

I had a debrief call (and a stiff drink) with my sister after I got off the phone to my brother. It was exactly what I needed 🥰

I also send a message to my therapist asking for an appointment next week... I think it will be good to unpack all of this properly with him.

Wow - this is nuts and crazy and exciting and terrifying all at the same time but it also feels right and that's all that really matters 😊