Scrambled

[Catie 08]

Hi. I am a survivor of childhood sexual assult and suffer with PTSD. I have been working really hard on my journey to wellness (seeing a psychologist, mindfulness, lots of self care etc) but some days I can't even think in a straight line, my head just feels scrambled. During my therapy I have become the master of avoidance and I over organise and plan for sessions before I go so that i take the safe way out and avoid the exposure therapy I should be doing. I don't even mean to do it but the instinct to protect myself is so strong. I'm a couple of days out from my next appointment so I'm thinking that's why I'm feeling so muddled but I feel that it's getting in the way of me making more progress during these sessions. Any suggestions on how to help in this situation??

[Richie01]

Hey C,

pretty random for sure lol. Good choices from you I must say. I’ve been a bit crappy with all he music lately, been listening to blue October of all things. Hate me is a pretty confronting song but I think it is me to the bone right now, that and soul asylum runaway train 😬 pretty dark really but it suits so I go with it.

how have you been anyway? FYI, oasis hr on the radio lol, made me think of you.
Take care,

Richard

[Catie 08]

Ok, so I've felt rather flat today. From the moment I woke up I knew it was going to be a challenging day.
I've just started to reduce my meds to help with the weight gain I've had since I started. I have been doing a lot better lately. I feel like, although it's pretty early (only 4 days since I started the lower dose) but it would make sense why my mood has dropped.
After a long day at work, the kids came home from school and were instantly at each other. Any other day I would be ok but today I just didn't have the patience for it... It was like I could see my 'tool kit' in front of me (meditation, writing, excercise) but it was just like I swipped it all off the table and went to the fridge instead. I don't drink a lot but when I feel like I can't stop long enough to make sense of how im feeling I do have a drink to help calm down. After the first mouthful I instantly regretted it. I know it's not helpful and I need to use a more positive method to calm down, I guess it's going to take some adjusting to being on the lower dose and I need to be kinder to myself whilst my body gets used to it again.
Anyway, deep breaths, reset and try for a better day tomorrow 🤦‍♀️

[Richie01]

Hey C,

I hope you have a better day tomorrow. It can be tricky with the meds, I’m avoiding them for now but I remember so many changes in me in the past, especially when trying to reduce them. Trust me, I know the lure of a drink! God knows it had been my go to for about 6 years. I still have a couple of beers every now and then but until about three months ago, I actually struggle to remember a day I was home that I didn’t drink myself to the point where I could cope. The problem always was that I couldn’t stop and coping turned to collapsing. drinking added more problems to an already full book. I do know what you mean about the kids being at each other, I used to struggle just getting them home from school without someone saying something to upset the other or just looking at one of the others the wrong way!!! I’d have a drink the second I got home. I don’t do that now but I do miss it, just the edge it used to seem to take off.
you do need to be kind to yourself but be fair, don’t stress when it all doesn’t go to plan that day. Tomorrow’s a new one and yeah, sometimes they are not better but most of the time they are. Take a deep breath, smile about something that makes you happy and remember how far you’ve come in six months, it’s not always easy but you’ve got this, you taught me that 😉

it’ll be ok C, I’ve got your back here every day just as you have had mine all this time. Besides, you’ve got the Rubens to look forward to!!! That’s gotta be worth a smile here and there right?.

always here for a chat, take care till next time.

Richard

[Catie 08]

Thanks Richie.

I hope you have had a better few days and the kids are improving from their colds.

C.

[Richie01]

Hey C,

just checking in to see how things are going. I’m ok, just about to see my therapist again before I go back to work. Had a great weekend with the kids which was good. Hope the music is good as always, what’s your latest recommendation?
Hope all is well, take care C.
Richard

[Catie 08]

HI Richie,
Today is not a good day. I had tried to reduce my meds to help with the weight gain but it's almost been 2 weeks now and my mood had dropped considerably. Tonight I'm going back onto the higher dose (happy and fat wins). Suppose to be working today but I've woken with a cracking headache (not helped by the teeth grinding) and looking at the computer screen wasn't helping. Feeling really low. I just want to curl up in bed and hide from the world today. I hope your therapy goes well for you today, I got back tomorrow (perhaps another thing that's compounding the low mood?).
C.

[Richie01]

Hey C,

sounds like you have a lot going on. You know what tho?? To hell with weight, I know your more beautiful than you think. ( just accept that that’s the way it is ) your a mate C, I’m going back to work tomorrow but that doesn’t mean I won’t be here for you, rather, I’ll be here more for you ok. I’ve got your back, I mean that ok!!!. Therapy is going ok. Going down the track of giving EMDR a crack when I get back, gotta give everything a go and I will 😊 gotta get those ducks in a row!!
I know I’m just a voice on a forum but seriously, I’m here for you. Those things you don’t want to talk about with anyone, I’m someone you can ok. I know how hard it gets, I know how low the days can be but please, know I’m here, if nothing else, I’m a shoulder to cry on or a punching bag if you need one ( just take it easy, I’m only 78kgs now lol) I really appreciate your friendship C, lean on me ok. I know where your at, I know it’s all different but all the same too. Open up if you need to, tell me to bugger off if it helps but just don’t feel like you can’t talk with me 😊 your not alone and won’t ever be ok. Believer- imagine dragons. Roll that when you get a chance. Picks me up.

always here for you C. Never doubt that ok .
richard

[Catie 08]

Hi Richie,
I'm really pleased that therapy went well and you have a plan. I did some EMDR a few years back and found it worked well but I wasn't fully committed to getting better at the time so stopped doing therapy when things got a bit tough. I really hope you find it helpful.
I hope your return to work goes well, just remember to be kind to yourself and yes, I'm just a post away if You need to chat too. I do look forward to our chats, they really help.
Thank you Richie, you are a real mate, I wouldn't have come this far without your continued support and music inspo. It certainly was a tough day. I'm super exhausted now. I ended up spending my day either curled up in bed or just looking out the window, hopefully ill see an improvement soon now I've started the higher dose again. I really tried hard to make it work but I obviously need some extra help right now so more meds it is.
Let me know how you go back at work.
Today's music inspo is Roxette, fading like a flower
C.

[Catie 08]

Hay Richie,
Feeling a lot brighter today. Therapy went well. I refused to.work on the exposure therapy and instead asked that we work on helping me to become less critical of myself. (As an example, I failed a training course at work last week (that i can actually re sit) and instantly sent my boss a message to let her know that I should be named as dumbass of the week - yep, I actually used those words 🤦‍♀️). I am pretty tough on myself, anyway.... we ended up making my very own personalised meditation. It was a lot of fun and I even had him add in that it was ok for me to order pizza when I don't want to cook (doctors orders 🤷‍♀️🤣)
I followed it up with a massage which was wonderful and if im lucky I might even get a long hot bath when the kids are in bed (fingers crossed) - I love self care days.
Hopefully another good night sleep and I'll be in a better frame of mind for work tomorrow.
How was your first day back??
C.

[Richie01]

Hey C,

im glad you had a better day 😊 Therapy sounded like it would have been a nice change. How’d you go with the bath? Sounds like a bloody nice idea but I won’t be having one, 8pm here and still have four hours to drive till I get to work!! Good to get back in a way but god 7 hrs in a car is way way too much self reflection time lol.
Im with you on the being hard on yourself down to a tee! I’m exactly the same, it’s something huge I have to learn to change and hopefully I will. The therapist always comments on it and he really thinks it’s something that is important I learn to tame. Not that easy tho is it!! Even a compliment is hard for me to take let alone the self loathing of actually failing. We place the expectations on ourselves granted but maybe that makes it harder to shake I guess.
I really hope tomorrow is even better than today was for you, it’s always a great feeling getting those ducks lined up again.
Take care C, always here for a chat.
Richard