Scared of religion and suicide thoughts

[Dagony]

My name is Aaron 

I had a huge anxiety attack at least 6 years ago about being on the earth and fear it will fall ( I'm scared of heights and falling) and it started with me praying to God to help me and I started doing praying rituals and OCD stuff about touching stuff 

6 years later the ritual that involves praying has gotten out of control I need to do it absolutely perfect or I do it again 

Some things I can't do cause I worry it will offend god and I will be sent to hell and burn 

It's made me lose interest in music and gaming and anything else I enjoy doing 

Cause everytime I do something I have to do it in a set of rules so I don't offend god and he will make me have to do my praying ritual 

I have to do my ritual after I've had sex with anyone I'm now married and even if I do it with my wife I still have to do the ritual 

It started as me being a Christian but now it's making its own rules up I have to follow or il be thrown into my worst nightmares 

I'm getting off a medication now cause my psychiatrist thought it was OCD how my family and psychologist thing it's really bad anxiety

My psychiatrist thinks it's ADHD and wants to start me on ADHD medication however my family and psychologist think I don't have ADHD so I'm getting a second opinion soon 

My mum recently passed away she was my best friend and a huge support with all my mental issues 

These days I just don't see the point in going on when everything i enjoy is infested with rules and triggers 

I have a wife and a son and I want to live for them but I just can't do it anymore

I'm to scared to commit suicide cause I'm scared il burn in hell 

But going on just seems pointless when I don't have any joy or happiness life seems pointless

I normally just watch tv or sleep all day I get annoyed at people who try and get me to do stuff and I know it's not their fault I just can't help it 

Life just feels pointless now

Just wanted to share my little story and seek opinions 

Hope you're having a good day 

[Sophie_M]

Hey Aaron,

Thank you for being brave and open and sharing your story here. We’re really glad you could come to the forum to share this with our community. We know it isn’t easy to share something like this, but we think it’s a powerful step and we really appreciate your openness and bravery in sharing.

We’ve reached out to you privately to make sure you’re ok. If you want to reach out to our counsellors to talk this through, we’re on 1300 22 4636, and you can reach us online here. There’s also our friends over at the Suicide Call Back service on 1300 659 467, or Lifeline on 13 11 14.

If you’re feeling suicidal or are having thoughts about harming yourself, it's important that you take immediate steps to keep safe. If you feel unable to keep yourself from acting on your thoughts about suicide or self-harm this is an emergency and you need to call 000 (triple zero).

Thanks again for your openness in sharing this here, Dagony. Hopefully one of our amazing community members will spot your post at some point. 

Kind regards, 

Sophie M

[Petal22]

Hi Dagony,

Im so sorry you are feeling this way I understand.

OCD is a really hard debilitating condition to go through, its unrelentless... 

I understand because I have a lived experience of severe anxiety OCD and it was the most hardest thing I have ever been through in my entire life.

OCD is a vicious cycle.

The good news is that I have now recovered from this condition and the reason I was able to recover was because I was able to do a certain therapy that intervened with the OCD. It took time and practice to learn what I was taught but once I learned it I was able to break free of OCD s vicious cycle.

There is hope for you to to break free you just need the correct treatment.

I also performed certain compulsions sometimes mentally and sometimes physically... I would feel the need to repeat things over and over again in my mind so that nothing bad would happen to anyone I loved.... I now  no longer feel the need to do this.

Meditation was also a very helpful tool and learning how to challenge my thoughts and beliefs.

In my experience OCD tried to take over my life it did for a little while but then I learned how to fight back and put it back in it's box and you can to. 

When I was diagnosed with this disorder I was told I had OCD which is a " anxiety disorder". I went on a antidepressant and did therapy specifically for OCD, I was diagnosed by a clinical Phycologist and Psychiatrist.  

Please don't allow your life to seem pointless..... fight back! because you can learn how to fly.

Please ask me anything..

[Petal22]

 I also just wanted to say that I think it’s great you are getting a second opinion.

Im not a doctor and I can’t diagnose but what I went through with OCD follows a very similar pattern to what you are going through.

I believe that a clinical psychologist or a psychiatrist is best to diagnose.

I highly recommend that therapy and medication go hand in hand.

Im really sorry for the loss of your mum.

You really can recover from what you experiencing you just need the correct treatment.

Please ask me anything