Sad and unhappy

[leakay]

I separated from my husband 4 months ago after I ended our marriage of 8 years due to his anger and aggression. I feel extremely lost, sad and have bad thoughts of not wanting to be here anymore. I’m normally a fun loving person who laughs smiles and loves life. I’m finding just the simple things hard to do, like looking after the house, cooking, eating and doing everything that I normally love about life. I feel like my husband has passed away and I’m grieving. How do I overcome this struggle, I’m normally strong and full of life. 

[Sophie_M]

Dear leakay,
 
Firstly, let us welcome you to the forums. Thank you for having the courage to share your experiences and concerns. Please feel free to express yourself and your concerns openly and without fear of judgement as this is a safe space.
 
We understand that you would still be grieving the loss of a long-term relationship, as this is a natural response to a major life change. We hope that you can draw hope from the reason you ended the relationship, having the strength to want better and not tolerate his anger and abuse any longer. This sounds like it was a very positive step, and we hope that with support you can continue taking positive steps forward.
 
1800RESPECT offer a multitude of services to assist with healthy relationships, domestic abuse/ violence, managing after a separation and have trained counsellors available 24/7. You can call them on 1800 737 732 or access their 1800RESPECT Online Chat.
 
You can also contact Beyond Blue either via phone  1300 22 4636 or through Beyond Blue Online Chat. The Beyond Blue safety planning app might be worth looking at, too. You can read about how it works and where to download it here.
 
When your “bad thoughts” are causing you distress, we would recommend the suicide call back service. They offer a range of contact methods that can be accessed via Suicide Callback Service or by giving them a call on 1300 659 467.
 
Please remember that if you feel you are in danger of acting on your thoughts of not wanting to be here or do not feel safe, please call emergency services on 000.
 
Thank you again for trusting our supportive community and sharing your experiences, we hope you find the shared insights and advice of our members helpful.
 
Warm regards
Sophie M

[Petal22]

Hi leakay,

Im sorry you are feeling this way I understand it’s hard.

Im sorry you are experiencing intrusive thoughts I understand that these thoughts can cause us distress.

I have experienced distressing intrusive thoughts and while I was experiencing these I learned that it was due to my severe anxiety.

I seeked professional help for what I was experiencing and the thoughts lifted over time.

I also found it hard to function on a daily basis but after treatment and with time I gained my functionality back.

Without professional help I don’t know where I would be today.

Have you thought about seeking professional help?

You could start at your gp and let them know how you are feeling and the type of thoughts you are experiencing if you want to, they will understand and want to help you.

Please feel free to come back to us.

[therising]

Hi leakay

My heart goes out to you while you have my deepest admiration and support. I'm glad you've come here so as not to face this time in your life alone.

It's interesting, you mentioning the grief aspect. It took me some years to now decide to leave my 20 year marriage. Took me ages to work out exactly why I'd be left crying/grieving alone, every time I felt the depressing impact of my husband's nature. Wondering if you can relate to the following that we can bring into a relationship

• I appoint you, my partner, as someone who partners me in helping me raise my consciousness throughout life, leading me to better understand myself and life. I appoint myself as the person who does this for you, in return
• I appoint you, as someone who partners me through compassion. I appoint myself as the person who does this for you, in return
• I appoint you, as someone who leads me to find joy in ways where I can feel joy...

The list is far longer than this. I found myself facing twice the disappointment. I had to disappoint him from all the appointments I'd given him, as well as disappointing myself from feeling the need to serve him in so many ways. Cheers to emotional detachment. As you'd know, to serve a self server who gives little in return can  become depressing.

After this revelation, I faced another: How do I raise myself in the ways I'd appointed him to raise me? Even bigger one followed: In my 52 years of being on this earth, I realised no one had ever taught me (growing up) how to raise myself, how to love myself, how to develop faith in myself and so on. Putting it mildly, I thought 'Bugger! This is going to be tough'.

With every instance of aggression directed towards you - you raised your consciousness through finding reasons (becoming more reason able), through managing finding ways to live with the aggression, through managing ways to not feel so sad or fearful etc. All that time you were raising yourself while he was bringing you down or putting you down. You're far stronger and far more amazing that what you imagine. While he may have refused to change, you did nothing but change. And here you are seeking even more ways to change.