Recovery from suicide attempt - it can be done

[Junior1962]

Hi everyone 

I wanted to post something positive about how recovery from being suicidal can happen. 
I am a first timer. I’ve had episodes of depression but don’t usually go deep enough to be suicidal. My heart goes out to all of you and your mental health struggles. Bipolar runs in my family. Mum was a hospital admission last year and sadly, is now a resident in aged care. My 32 yr old son has autism and bipolar 2. 
My story is one of a battle with depression while supporting Mum (My older brother and I worked together) in hospital and Dad - who has Alzheimers- at home. Both are in their 80s. I was suicidal a year ago and made plans - but had a powerful spiritual experience and didn’t follow through. My naturopath helped me to sort the many Imbalances in my body and I recovered - for a time. 
Dad followed Mum into care in January and my brother and I sold their house. I then found myself being drawn into being a caregiver for Mum when I was already exhausted and struggling. Suicidal thoughts crept in but I pushed them away. I just tried to keep going - until I couldn’t. 
One sleepless night, I attempted …..

My husband took me to the ED… I was offered mental health support and I accepted. I was in a daze. This was 4 months ago. I was diagnosed with caregiver burnout.
I had five sessions with a psychologist, two with a psychiatrist- all from Monash Health and Medicare funded - and found myself doing a lot better. I’m now seeing a private psychologist and have improved even further. 
My son is almost my fully transitioned into supported accommodation and I am learning to deal with the things that wore me down. 
Very few people know what I did. I haven’t felt ready to tell them. But my whole outlook has changed. Getting help and being prepared to face my demons is what has changed me. I’m not good at asking for help. I’m better at helping others. I’m actually working on that in therapy. 
My message to you all is,- don’t be afraid to ask for help. Don’t be afraid to open up and let people in. They can’t help you if they don’t know you are in pain. If you don’t like the health professional you are seeing, ask to see someone else. A good relationship with that person is paramount. Therapy won’t work if you don’t trust them. 
Most of all, trust that you have it in yourself to overcome this. Your life IS worth living. People DO care. You just have to let them in. 

[Eagle Ray]

Thank you Junior and The Rising for your Christmas wishes 🙏🎄😊  I had a peaceful day.

Sharing your story through a book is a wonderful, meaningful thing Junior. I’m always grateful for those with the courage to share their story as it’s learning from the humanity of others that helps me to go forward in the world. There will be others who benefit and gain courage from your experiences.

While I’m not married like both of you, I’m also experiencing changes in the relationships in my life. As I grow, learn and change within myself the dynamics of my relationships with family and friends are changing. This can be disconcerting for others when I’m no longer playing the role I’m usually in. I’ve previously been quite compliant and accommodating to the needs of others, but I’m learning to prioritise my own needs and say no to things I really don’t want and I know are not good for me. I’m finding my relationships are either improving or ending, in the latter case because the other person wanted to keep me in my previously assumed role.

So I feel like what you are both describing, where you are growing on your own journey, is something I can kind of relate to. I feel like the purpose of life is to grow and learn, and experience connection and belonging. By connection I mean to our own hearts and the hearts of others, and to what nurtures our soul. Sometimes we will grow apart from some people while forming new connections with others. It’s part of honing our intuition and listening to our inner voice. But some people in our lives will want to stay where they are and that’s ok too. We’re each responsible for our own journey and I’m learning that as I take responsibility in my journey it often frees others up to do the same, whichever choices and direction they go in.

 I’m sorry for your Dad’s situation The Rising. My Dad had a degenerative condition also. Having fairly recently been through the care of both my parents at the end of their lives, I would say do everything you can to also take care of yourself when in a care role. Take time out to nurture yourself, feel your feelings and recharge your life energy. I burnt myself out completely, but you sound like you already have a good awareness of and perspective on things.

Wishing you both an enriching and fulfilling 2023!

[therising]

Hi Eagle Ray

So interesting, how the ways in which we change tend to determine the reformation or the end of certain relationships. I believe as certain aspects of us come to life, those aspects or facets of who we are dictate so much. I smile as I recall how the intolerant cow in me gradually came to life. Over the years, she was largely suppressed by the people pleaser in me. On occasion she'd surface, typically when I could no longer tolerate the depressing, abusive soul destroying behaviour of others. This would resemble some pressure cooker venting rant with a lot of tears. Then, one day, she was fully born. She's a sassy one, a part of me that just doesn't tolerate self serving thoughtless people. It's a part that sometimes says, in one way or another, 'Don't just burn that bridge (with the person who's treated you horribly for so long), take a flame thrower to it sweetie and dance in the ashes'😂. I love her. While that part of me used to come to life on rare occasions, now I've learned to channel her when need be.

Shall take your advice and recharge in all the ways that are going to bring other facets of me to life or back to life. I shall channel the nature lover in me more. A drive up to the hills is long overdue. While my husband has always said, after a good feed at some place in the Dandenongs 'No, I don't want to go for a walk (along any of the walking tracks)', in the future I'll take someone with me who'll bring out the best in me, as opposed to me keeping the adventurous nature loving trekker in me suppressed. Btw, I can just hear the intolerant cow in me saying to my husband 'Nup, not taking you with me. You're too oppressive for such an expedition. If you're prepared to bring the adventurer in you to life, I'm happy to reconsider'. I sound a bit harsh but in the past our 'day' out would only ever last a few hours, with him chomping at the bit to get back home so as to fall asleep after a few drinks.

Yes, cheers to the new year. May we continue to evolve through self loving ways.

[Eagle Ray]

The Rising, I just loved reading about how the intolerant cow in you came to life. It’s exactly what I needed to hear. I think I’m finally getting in touch with my intolerant cow 🤣 Mine is not fully fledged yet, or whatever the right metaphor is in that cows don’t have wings 😂 I now have an image of a cow chewing cud looking like she means business and takes no nonsense! I love the bit about the flame thrower and dancing in the ashes. I’m still at the tentative roadblock on the bridge stage but contemplating the flame thrower 😂

I can tell particular friends and family don’t know what to make of me at the moment as I’m no longer dancing their dance. I’m protecting my own space and saying no to what I know will invade and exploit that space. It’s not even an overly conscious process but one of instinctive self-preservation. I’ve been feeling the anger in me rise up to assert my boundaries and I find I can no longer people-please. This is a big change for me and I know there’s no going back.

Of course not everyone needs the flame thrower treatment. Some need to be just met at the bridge, engaged with and I decide whether to lift the roadblock based on whether I think a healthy, respectful relationship can be maintained. And then there’s those people with whom you don’t even have to think about bridges because you already know there’s unconditional love, respect and kindness going both ways. The important thing is I get to decide who I let into my world rather than them just waltzing over my boundaries and using me to serve their needs and interests while being blind to mine. I think a lot of it is just energetic too. People start to feel and sense when you have a strong boundary and that hands the responsibility back to them to take care of their own needs.

 I hope you get to have some nice walks in the Dandenongs, either with your husband or someone else who is more keen and wants to share the adventure if he doesn’t. I went there many years ago and loved the tree ferns as I grew up in a much drier place. Such a beautiful zone to recharge in and allow yourself to breathe freely and feel peace. You are so right - that nature immersion can bring facets of us to life or back to life.

[Junior1962]

Hi Eagle Ray and Rising

The intolerant cow?  I love it!  But then, I've always been a bit like that and have had to learn to either shut my mouth or be diplomatic!

Just thought I'd post a snippet from the book I've almost finished on this whole sorry period in my life.  I can't write the last chapter yet, as I haven't completed my therapy, but I wrote the rest a few months ago.  It was very cathartic and even gave me some good insights to take into therapy with me.  

Wishing you both a Happy (if you can be) New Year and  good start to 2023.  It's certainly looking a brighter prospect for me. So without further ado, from chapter 3 of my as yet unnamed book:

Ch 3 - I am only one person

There was a trigger. Unlike a few months earlier, I had not meant to give in to the suicidal ideation. Sub-consciously, given the earlier messaging about not needing the same support as others, I was probably just trying to be strong. Until something snapped.

Still in the caregiver slipstream, I allowed my parents’ nursing home to play me and agreed to take Mum to an appointment. They were aware of my son and my role as his caregiver and should not have phoned me. But Mum needed to attend an appointment, and someone needed to go with her, they told me. My brother was unavailable they said. A couple of phone calls later, I agreed. It would be ‘girl time’, I told myself. Just Mum and me enjoying each other’s company which I actually thought would be good. I should have said no.

The signs of caregiver burnout were already there – fatigue, decreased appetite, and intermittent insomnia. Emotionally I was anxious, had a persistent feeling of sadness and hopelessness, I lacked motivation – I just tried to get through each day – and I didn’t even know what I enjoyed doing anymore, it had been so long. One description of caregiver burnout speaks of “being overwhelmed and physically, emotionally and mentally exhausted from the stress and burden of caring for their loved one” (www.healthline.com). In my case it was multiple people and caring duties. Something had to give.

[Junior1962]

And another snippet 

When a person is unwell, their struggle needs to be recognized, and validated.  The last thing they need is to be told they are strong. We are people. I am a person. I need help too, regardless of how strong you might think I am.  Listen to me.

Thanks to a psychiatrist who did listen, I now understand that I have bipolar genes in me and that people like me, often respond better to bipolar medication, such as mood stabilisers.  The depression is said to be different.  Bipolar people are also fast serotonin processors, something my naturopath said about me many years ago. The body needs serotonin in order to make melatonin. Somehow the action of antidepressants in me impedes that. Nonetheless, it is now clear that I am in that small percentage of people for whom psychiatric drugs DO help.  Apparently I have just been on the wrong ones.

Be it taking antidepressants, being told I am strong, or being interrupted during a medical consultation, my story is one of a person whose struggles were not taken seriously. I am only one person, and it doesn’t matter how strong I am. I have a mental illness and there are times when I need help. Mental illness does not discriminate. It doesn’t know how strong you are. It is a serious thing and health professionals DO need to take it seriously.  Not doing so can cost lives. It almost cost me mine.

[Eagle Ray]

Wow, powerful writing Junior! What struck me first is how important it is to communicate that information. Many people feel disempowered in the process of seeking help, especially in relation to mental health. People need to be heard and understood from their own perspective. In my view that means the hearts of practitioners need to be open, not just their minds, to the experiences of others. They still need to maintain good boundaries, obviously. But empathy and interpersonal awareness - the capacity to resonate with another - is actually required to truly understand another and to help another help themselves. It’s like once a patient/client knows they are truly heard and understood, their healing is already underway. But without that it can be much more of a struggle.

 I also agree about validating someone’s experience rather than just telling them they’re strong. If they are encouraged not to acknowledge their own vulnerability and push on regardless, the results can be really not good, especially if they’re already pushed to the max of what they can endure.

I think your writing will have great relevance for both people living with mental health issues and people who are carers, and also hopefully practitioners who will gain some insights. Your writing is concise and clear.

Happy New Year to you too! 

[Junior1962]

Thank you so much Eagle Ray

just to clarify - I had called MH triage in May of 2021 and was referred to my local CAT team (crisis assessment and treatment team). I felt that they discharged me too soon - with the message that I was strong. I think they meant it to be a compliment but I felt they weren’t listening to me when I said I didn’t feel good. 
Then I saw my GP who was interrupted THREE times while I was trying to talk to him. It made me feel unimportant. It wasn’t his fault but the messaging was bad overall. As a result, he didn’t pick up how desperately unwell I was and was therefore unable to respond appropriately. 
A year later, I went to see him after my attempt and when he realised what I’d done, he said, “that’s not like you”. In that one statement he DID validate me and I felt heard and that my pain was recognised. It made the world of difference. 

[Eagle Ray]

Thanks for the clarification Junior. I think that scenario plays out a lot. Doctors are frequently working under pressure and a patient who really needs to be heard can be missed in that process. When you are in an especially vulnerable place as a patient it is often the most challenging time to get a message through to health practitioners about what is happening for you. I know I can lose my words when vulnerable at times. I’m so glad you have come out the other side of that experience and you’re on a healing journey now.

[Junior1962]

Happy New Year 🥳 

[therising]

Hi there

Eagle Ray, my intolerant facet is definitely my boundary setter, which is why I love her so much. I suppose you could say she feels the trigger, emotionally detaches from it, analyses the most logical way forward and then dictates it. It's so fascinating how all the different facets of us work. With each one, there is a chance to know it, to fully understand it, manage it (to bring it into play or get it to take a back seat). There are opportunities to either high 5 these aspects of our self or show them great compassion for all they've suffered through. I suppose, in a nutshell it's a matter of 'I know you, I know how you work. Not only will I learn to feel for you in the way of compassion and understanding but I will also develop the ability to get a feel for you when it comes to when I really need you'. Kinda like 'Hello, intolerant cow, are you there? I really need you right now. I gotta tell this person how it is, because they're just not listening, and I can't get them to listen without you'. Jamie Catto, in his book 'Insanely gifted', mentions all the facets of our self and how telling and handy they can be, such as when the victim in us comes into play. The victim in us can tell us we're being victimised in some way. Without sensing the victim come to life, we may not recognise victimisation.

Junior, I love your book. It's compelling. It has an incredible balance of analysis and feeling to it. As a 'Goldilocks' gal, too cold (too analytical), too hot (too overwhelming through pure emotion) and I can feel it. The balance is what makes something feel perfect or just right. I look forward to consuming more of your book. It's incredibly insightful.