Vent and then let it go...

[Guest_1055]

I can't do this stupid life anymore. I just need to write this out. Because sometimes it has helped me on the past. Just to shout it out on words. I HATE THIS.. LIFE. The pain keeps happening over and over again. I cannot deal with it. Tears are in my eyes, frustration, aloneness, maybe bitterness, I hate that emotion. Just go in the name of Jesus. I forgive him. It hurts, please heal me. Where does my help come from. The maker of heaven and earth. I hurt Father God. I hurt. 

[Guest_1055]

Hug back to you. Oh yes I can understand what you say. For a very long time I sensed I was not connected to other humans. And only occasionally I might sense it. Mostly with my older sister. And yes I think you may be right it is tied up with the dissociation. I have been learning that it often starts in childhood as a way that little ones keep safe within themselves. A protective thing. Survival maybe.

Gosh I long to be fully connected to other people.

Trying to remember what I was like at school. Interesting what you were like. I was very quiet, I don't recall getting in to trouble at school. I was a good listener but don't remember feeling connected. Never had really any real friends that I can remember.

[Guest_1055]

Hi the rising, yes think the emotion of hate is a telling one. I did have resentment amd bitterness. Hate speaks so loud , just like you mentioned clouding out anything pleasant within. Pretty sure I am understanding you right. I chose to forgive this person. It seems to be the only way forward for me. The resentment goes within me, the bitterness goes within me. 

[Guest_1055]

Thankyou Sleepy, you are right, I was feeling frustrated, so frustrated. Sometimes it is challenging to know what to do with that emotion. I was also hurting. I am a bit better today I think. Hope you are going alright there Sleepy 

[Eagle Ray]

Yes, I think it is a survival thing for kids. As little people we couldn't actually leave the situations we were in, so going to the far away place was the only option. When I used to work as an education assistant I could see it in children who had trauma as well as children with conditions not always well understood by the adults around them. It's like they are not getting that care, understanding and co-regulation that enables them to be seen and validated, so dissociation is a natural outcome of that. I guess when I was a teacher assistant I tried really hard to fulfil that role, so the child I worked with did feel seen and heard. I could remember too how I felt at school - always scared. So I didn't want them to be scared but to feel safe so they could open up their curious selves and learn more easily at school.

I was very quiet at school too. It even got written on my school reports. Sometimes I just wandered around by myself. Other times I would be with a group of girls but I was always really quiet and didn't know how to join in group dynamics. Others always seemed to talk over each other and would often be having fights and disagreements too. It always seemed so complicated and I was just kind of spacey, off in my own world.

I think I know what you mean about wanting to feel connected to people. I think I wanted that but had no idea at all how that ever happens, at least in a healthy way. When I did form connections they often involved exploitation of me by the other person who saw me as someone to meet their needs while I had no idea how to assert my needs. So human relationships just seemed to nearly always be stressful.

I'm really glad you can feel some connection with your older sister. It would be lovely to meet more people like her too, gentle people you feel are kindred spirits. These days I have just a few friends and they are gentle people like myself where it is not complicated because we are alike. I've increasingly let go of friendships that were uneven where I was getting drained by the other person wanting me to take care of their needs and I used to think that was my job (co-dependent patterns). I think when you find gentle souls like yourself it is nurturing and supportive. It validates who you are and this world needs gentle people.

I'm quite sure there are people out there very similar to yourself. In the past I went to some Meetup groups. It's an online platform where you can meet people with similar interests. I went to ones linked to my interests such as photography. But I remember there were ones for people who saw themselves as quiet, shy and introverted. It was like an opportunity to meet similar others when that is often hard for shy people.

Sometimes I find just very small things are like the beginning of connections too, like saying hello to someone walking their dog. I find that really helps me. I'll ask the owner if I can pat their dog. I'm not scared of dogs whereas I have long had fear of humans (though definitely improving). It's because I connect with the dog first it then becomes much easier to talk to the person. I just thought I'd mention that as one way I find a way into small connections with others. I find just even a brief interaction like that can lift my day and help me to feel part of the human world.

Sorry, I just wrote a lot! Anyway, hugs to you 🤗

Eagle Ray

[Guest_1055]

Not good today. Been searching for what others do and how they think when they don't want to be here anymore. I will never end my life, because I could never put others through hurt and pain. But the thoughts of not wanting to be here come upon me.

I am just tired of it all. Tired. And I don't see any point to it. Tired of struggling, tired of the fear, tired of struggling to manage my life. I don't know how to do it.

A lot of times I am in the far away place. The last few months I have done online chat with BB, lifeline and another local mental health chat. And I have now lost count of the times.

I have been learning about self love , self care, I couldn't look in the mirror at myself, tears just fell from my eyes. I don't want to be a victim in life. But I fear that I am, or I act that way. Or maybe I don't understand it at all.

Self love seems impossible for me, I know it has to do with worth, shame and maybe other things.

I am meeting up with someone today. So I need to get ready. But I feel terrified. The symptoms of social anxiety and shame about how I look. Scared of not knowing what to say, scared of being uncomfortable, scared of conflict, scared of feeling awkward, scared of whatever else. 

I am pushing myself but most of me just wants to stay curled up in bed with the covers over me. 

This is so hard...no challenging. 

[Guest_1055]

I meet up with the person. I am glad.. that is not quite the word. But I didn't chicken out, I didn't cancel, and I didn't run.

I was overwhelmed a bit with the meeting. The listening and the talking and the comprehending. A couple of times whilst sitting there I felt like running. She asked me a question and I knew her stance on it, which is different to mine. She come across I would so forceful,which scared me

 As it felt like a conflict. Later she told me it's her passion and that is why it came across the way it did

[therising]

The meeting definitely sounds like progress, putting yourself out there. So hard to do at times, especially when we haven't got the energy or self esteem. I think when it comes to getting a better feel for what we're sensing, it can be a bit hit and miss at times. It's all a learning experience. While passion may come across as conflict, lack of energy may come across as disinterest, social anxiety may come across as agitation etc etc, I think we have to put our self out there in order to become masters at getting an accurate feel for things. Practice makes perfect.

I wish more people were honest in expressing 'I just don't know how to live'. I think a lot of people tend to keep it to themselves. It can leave the resting of us questioning 'What's wrong with me?'. There have been a number of times throughout my life where I've thought in one way or another 'I don't know how to do life under the circumstances. I just don't know anymore'. I think it helps, for a start, knowing what our challenges are, then looking for the right guide or support. With seriously depressing financial struggles, a financial guide could make a difference with perspective and management. A seriously depressing lack of light or enlightenment requires someone to help us see the light. Of course, it depends on what we want light shed upon (physical issues, mental ones or soulful ones or all 3 combined). A seriously depressing lack of vision for the future can call for a seer, someone who can see the goals we need to be setting and how we can reach those goals, while leading us to see it all too in ways we can relate to. It was my brother who gave me brilliant advice not too long ago, 'If you set no goals, you will feel like you are going nowhere. You must have goals, even if it's as simple as what you are going to have for breakfast. Moving towards your goals and reaching them is what creates a sense of achievement'. At the time of his advice, I felt so incredibly lost. It kind of felt like I was sitting there in the dark (on my life path), while not knowing which way to go. While I was still busy doing a lot of stuff that needed to be done, none of it was creating a sense of forward momentum. I needed to feel myself moving forward, towards something.

[Guest_1055]

The pain is so painful. It tears at my very soul. I pretty sure I feel emotions more intense then other people. My whole world seems to crumble in.

So alone in this stupid thing called life... Think I am being a victim again...I don't want that either. ...Such a mess...

[Guest_1055]

Reading this again. This is part of it:

Todays challenge: Make a list of your reasons to live and put this in places where you will see it every day.Tack the list on the wall

 Write it on your bathroom mirror. Make it the background on your computer screen. Make it the lock screen on your phone. Keeping your reasons to live in front of you and ,on your mind throughout the day. This will help keep you focused and determined in moments of weakness and doubt.

Do you want to live?

Next question Why?

If you are not sure take a moment to really think about what you have to live for. Your reasons to live might be the people in your life who need you.Peopke you want to live and serve. Your reasons may be a purpose, a calling, a mission you haven't accomplished, a dream you haven't fullfilled. Or it might be all of the above.

A powerful question for you is why? And what is truly living, not existing, not surviving but truly living

[Guest_1055]

So I am asking myself these questions. Because I feel like not wanting to be here anymore. Because it's so painful and sad. 

Why do I want to live?

I want to see my son be married to someone who he loves so much and that loves him. I want to see him come to know God. I want to hold a grandchild in my arms one day. I want ...

Think this is challenging. Can't even do this right