Vent and then let it go...

[Guest_1055]

I can't do this stupid life anymore. I just need to write this out. Because sometimes it has helped me on the past. Just to shout it out on words. I HATE THIS.. LIFE. The pain keeps happening over and over again. I cannot deal with it. Tears are in my eyes, frustration, aloneness, maybe bitterness, I hate that emotion. Just go in the name of Jesus. I forgive him. It hurts, please heal me. Where does my help come from. The maker of heaven and earth. I hurt Father God. I hurt. 

[Guest_1055]

You helped me feel less alone on this earth and that my voice was heard small wolf ,the rising and Eagle Ray. Appreciate you doing that very much

[Guest_1055]

I want to go home so much

 This pain, hurt, aloneness is unbearable. How much can my heart take of this. I forgive him for not treating or even believing within himself that I am worthy of kindness. No more

[Guest_1055]

What is wrong with him? I hate having the emotion of hate in me, but I think it is there. I am wretched, I am awful myself. I confess to the whole world I hate him. I hate how he never understands me, I hate the way he dressers. I hate the way he ignores me. I hate what he said to me " well that will keep you quite" . I hate the way 

[Guest_1055]

I hate the hate in me. 

[Guest_1055]

I contacted the online mental health chat in my local area. Maddie is lovely. She talked me through grounding little by little. I started off in distress about a 7 then a 4. I know I go far away which is called dissociation. And I think I have done that most of my life with only moments of being in the real. Never had someone talk me through it before. I easily saw 5 things around me. When it come to feeling ... I could only feel the phone that I was holding. I couldn't feel the bed I was laying on. The phone was smooth, no cracks. Then she asked could I feel my legs. I couldn't. But I could answer how they looked ( cross legged) Then she asked could I sense the bed supporting me. No I couldn't do that either. I felt nothing. Just laying on a nothing, still seems like that. But I do feel less distressed as she was super kind and it helped knowing some other human was aware what was happening to me. 

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Shell, I am so glad you reached out for support and you got someone helpful. It really helps to feel some grounding doesn’t it, even if you can’t fully feel it. It takes the edge off the distress and makes things a bit easier.

 I can hear it is really, really hard for you right now. It’s really good you had another human be present with you and understanding and supporting you. That in itself can have a healing effect.

I’ve had lifelong dissociation too so I know it can be like a whole new thing being present in the here and now and being able to ground oneself. I’m so proud of you for your courage in working through these things.

We are here for you and I hope you know you always have support. It sounds like you are receiving some behaviour at times that isn’t kind. That is really hard to deal with. It is good to get it out and express how you feel. It is better than it all staying bottled up inside. I hope you can feel a bit stronger knowing support is available.

Take good care and sending you a safe, warm hug (if you would like one).

Eagle Ray

[therising]

Sometimes it takes a whole circle of people to raise us to where we need to be in life or in the moment. I'm glad you were able to find Maddie to add to your circle. I wish in some ways we were taught this as being a necessary part of life at times, developing a circle based on our needs. This way, we'd be in the good habit of gathering people when need be, based on our circumstances.  

While I've manged to define what love means to me, I've never sat and thought about what hate means to me, until this moment. Thank you for raising my consciousness when it comes to better defining 'hate'. I think hate itself defines the extreme when it comes to a range of feelings. Whether it relates to extreme resentment, extreme intolerance, extreme rage etc, hate is a telling feeling. I suppose it tells me I am at the absolute peak of my resentment, my intolerance and/or my rage toward someone or something. From one extreme to the other, from love all the way through to hate, it's human to feel the extremes when it comes to a range of emotions. Perhaps you can relate when I say I find one of the toughest thing to deal with is when a particular emotion gets the better of me. If the better of me or the best in me relates to compassion, love, joy etc, hate makes the best in me invisible for as long as I'm hating. Of course, the best in us is still there, hate has simply caught our attention and shifted our focus.

Be kind to yourself for feeling so deeply and so intensely, from one extreme to the other, in so many different ways.  

[Guest_16431]

hi Shelll, 

asking for help when distressed is a scary thing and confusing.. so glad Maddie was there. 

 i hear the pain and frustration. 

[Guest_1055]

Thankyou Eagle Ray and thankyou for the hug.

The dissociation and the fact that I experience it is relatively new to me, meaning I was unaware I was doing it. And lived a lot of my life that way. My way of coping I guess. Sometimes I would live in stories in my imagination just to get away from what was going on. I seem to be aware of it now and can tell when I go there. I still call it the far away place, because it seems like that to me.

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Shell,

It took me years to learn what dissociation was too. I also was unaware I was doing it for such a long time. I remember teachers at school telling me off for not paying attention or making what they said were careless mistakes with my work. I had no idea really what was going on most of the time and could rarely hear what teachers said or follow instructions. Now I know that I was dissociating which was a coping mechanism from the beginning of life. I've gradually learned to develop compassion for that part of myself and I am not quite as dissociative as I was.

The far away place is a very good way of describing it. I think as we start to heal we start coming back to ourselves, to our soul or true self that has always been there. I know in some cultures they actually call dissociation soul loss, which makes a lot of sense. I think feeling some connection with others can help us feel more grounded and connected to ourselves and that can bring us back from the far away place, at least some of the time. But I think it's a really understandable thing that our soul, psyche, whatever we may call it, chooses to separate for a bit to protect us. It's like being in the far away place protects us from the challenging things in our lives at times. And that is ok, it's a natural, automatic coping mechanism.

I could relate to what you say about creating stories too. I have made various stories up in my head, often telling myself some version of the same story over and over. It's often about how I feel I wish things were in my life as opposed to what it's actually like. Though I haven't done that so much recently, but it still happens sometimes. Again, I think it is a very understandable coping mechanism. It can actually be healing to experience things in the imagination.

I hope you are going along ok. We are always here for you. Sending you care, support and kindness.

Hugs,

ER