Vent and then let it go...

[Guest_1055]

I can't do this stupid life anymore. I just need to write this out. Because sometimes it has helped me on the past. Just to shout it out on words. I HATE THIS.. LIFE. The pain keeps happening over and over again. I cannot deal with it. Tears are in my eyes, frustration, aloneness, maybe bitterness, I hate that emotion. Just go in the name of Jesus. I forgive him. It hurts, please heal me. Where does my help come from. The maker of heaven and earth. I hurt Father God. I hurt. 

[Guest_16431]

hey there Eagle!

Thanks Shell. You're a great friend. 

My phone seemed okay today, i thought it was not going to charge. I hope to try and replace it

i need to vent about money

i am so close to poverty and it indeed sucks. I am wasting money because i feel like i'll have nothing anyway so wahts the point.

i have moths in my apartment and they're so annoying, and i have no energy to deal with anything in my home. 

i have not been taking care of myself

i have not been able to sleep without medication

i have stopped seeing my psych now and have no one else really

i'm at a loss.

[Eagle Ray]

That sounds really hard Sleepy 21.

Are the moths those ones that get into containers of flour, rice etc? I’ve ended up putting quite a few things in the fridge at times when the moths are active, just to keep the beasties from getting in there.

Money worries can be really hard. Like you, I’ve sometimes spent more when I have less as it has seemed to matter less when there’s less to lose to begin with. But I think you can start to get a sense of being able to save more when your mental health is in a better place. I know that when I’m doing better emotionally I can be more proactive at managing things including saving money. But I know it can feel too hard when feeling down.

Everything is in flux so I hope you can know it’s possible to feel better, no matter how down and discouraged you’re feeling now.

Did you stop seeing your psych because the sessions weren’t working for you, or financial reasons,  or both? I know you mentioned not finding their style helpful. Sometimes you can work things through with a psych which can actually lead to improvements and breakthroughs in the therapeutic relationship. Other times it may just not be a good fit and it can be worth seeking someone else. Remember you can reach out to helplines if you need someone to talk to.

Take care,

Eagle Ray

[Guest_16431]

thanks Eagle you are asking such great questions

the moths are carpet moths seem to be in the carpet. i used bug bombs but they are back which is annoying. maybe i'll try a second round. there is a lot of carpet which makes it feel futile. 

i felt too attached to the psych so got scared and cut and run. i'm so sad and tired now. 

i ahve a lot on my mind.

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Sleepy21,

I’ve never heard of carpet moths. They sound like a real nuisance. Not what you need right now!

With regard to the therapist, sometimes it can be helpful to pause for a bit before making a decision and sit with it. It sometimes then becomes easier to make a decision because you’ve settled a bit and you are more active and less reactive in making a decision about how to proceed, if that makes sense? But that can be easier said than done of course! Especially if going through a difficult time. I think it’s not unusual in itself to become attached to a therapist as you are sharing so much personal info with them. If they are a good therapist they should be able to hold their boundary appropriately if you wanted to talk with them about attachment issues. It’s so common for those of us in therapy to have attachment issues to start with. It’s important to do whatever you feel comfortable with.

 I’m sorry you are feeling sad and tired and going through such a challenging time. Take good care of yourself.

[Guest_1055]

Hi dear Sleepy, it can feel a bit scary to feel a sense of connection, vulnerable or attached to someone especially if you have never experienced it before. Out of your comfort zone sort of thing. I don't know how one works through that though. Understand the feeling to run. 

Do you think sprinkling diamastic earth on your carpet might help? Wrong spelling 

[Guest_1055]

Got to get this out. I am going through the feeling to run, the far away place and not nice thoughts. A deep sadness is here too.

At times I will ask myself this question as David did in Psalms. Why are though downcast oh my soul , why are you disquieted within me

Downcast seems like sad, grief, depressed and it is a challenge to look up. 

So why are you sad soul? Why are you grieved? I feel sad because all through my life I have never had any true friends, and I don't know how to be one. I lack the skill or whatever it is to be one. I hardly verbally speak , I feel awkward, feel rejected, feel sad , pretty sure it repels people. It is lonely. 

I am sad because of what my sister has been through. 

I am sad because I didn't take care of Coco properly the dog we had. His life on earth could have been better. 

I am sad because I do not feel connected or close to my mum and dad. And I really want to. Grieved because growing up years have passed and the little girl in me missed out on this. I want to focus on the good there and be thankful and at times I am. But their is a sadness there. Feels like something was stolen from me.

Feel sad because I desired more children but it is too late now. I always wanted many little ones. This is mixed up with my only son not experiencing siblings. 

[Guest_1055]

Why soul are you disquieted within me? Disquieted to me means troubled, fearful, anxious, not at peace properly there is more.

I am fearful about being with extended family during Christmas. Even deeper why am I fearful of this? I feel scared of the feeling of fear itself, I am fearful of being uncomfortable and awkward, I hate those feelings. I am fearful of perhaps not measuring up

I am fearful of the feeling of ugly. This feeling makes me feel self conscious, awkward is mixed up with that. When I write this it all seems about me, me, me and I am uncomfortable and disturbed with that too. 

Why soul are you troubled within me? I am troubled because I have no suitable clothes to wear. If I wear clothes that I feel comfortable in then that takes that particular awkward away. 

I am troubled because I don't know what to do there.

I just want to hide away yet parts of me desires to be connected to family. But I don't know how. Life is so short on earth, and I don't want to waste it being fearful. I don't want to waste it being troubled. I don't want to waste it being so sad all the time. I don't want to waste it being bound up in awkwardness. I don't want to waste it feeling despair. I don't want to waste it feeling ugly and hating the way my body looks. I am so so sick of all this. I just want to fling it all off with this frustration I know feel from it. Just get away from me

[Guest_1055]

Sitting in the car with tears. There is no where to go to get away from all this misery. the far away place is even lonely and disconnected from any life itself. Anger is in me too

 I can feel that intense emotion. Which I hate. Just dropped this phone between the seat, hard to get out, even that frustrated me.

I hate this 

[therising]

Hi Shell

It can be so hard to hear the answers to our questions while in prayer or meditation. Whether the answers are heaven sent or they come from some conscious part of us, it can be hard to hear for so many different reasons.

It can be hard to hear over the harsh inner critic that tells us of everything we're doing wrong or everything we've seemingly 'failed' at. It can be hard to hear over a part of us that's in play which is conscious of everything that's depressing or anxiety inducing or angering. It can be hard to hear through degrees of overwhelming exhaustion, especially if it's energy that's most needed in order to hear. No matter the challenge, the ultimate challenge (when answers and direction are what we need) can involve tapping into a part of us that can sense direction and guidance in some form.

I imagine, if you could tap into your ability to hear, what you may hear is 'Have you lost sight of how far you've come? Have you forgotten how much you've struggled and how much you've overcome? Have you forgotten about all life's tests you've passed and how hard you worked to pass them? Have a look through all your memories in order to see the truth of who you are. Do not focus on the memories where you believe you have failed, instead have a look at the times where you have raised yourself up from a place that feels like hell on earth. Look at how hard you've worked. See the truth of who you are. You are incredible'.

While I spent some time yesterday reflecting on where I've failed in life, which was definitely a bit of a downer, what suddenly came to mind was 'Hindsight does not exist to depress you. It's purpose is to teach you. What have you learned from hindsight?'. In reflecting on what I've learned, I'd have to say it involves not having all the answers in real time. Sometimes the answers, revelations or lessons can only be found in hindsight. Sometimes the answers, revelations or lessons come as a consequence or as a result of something. While being put to the test by whatever powers that be, I imagine myself going up to the front of the classroom and handing in my test paper. As the teacher marks that paper in front of me and hands it back, I see (when it comes to a subject in life I struggle with) I have barely passed. I imagine my teacher says to me, with compassion and an encouraging smile, 'I know how hard you've worked in regard to this subject but you have more to learn. In time I will send another test your way. Incorporate what you've learned so far with what you decide to study now and I guarantee you will meet with a greater result'. So, if the subject is 'self understanding', greater self understanding must be gained. If the subject is 'greater self esteem', research into greater self esteem must be gained. If it involves greater knowledge in regard to how to hear in prayer or meditation, greater knowledge must be gained.❤️

[smallwolf]

I am reading your post where you talked about the awkwardness or feeling of disquiet in spending time with your family at Christmas. The easy answer out is 'just be yourself'  (be authentic) but people who say things like this don't really understand how hard that can be! Before I had reached my tipping point... those years ago.... that was something said to me. 

You might be wondering why I tell you that little bit of a story.

Getting caught in two minds as to what to do is hard. What would happen if I be my authentic self? But if i don't go, I know what would happen. There are many other thoughts, and I won't even guess what might  be going on for you.

I am also aware we are own worst critic. I am curious what would have to change for you to feel comfortable in this season? What would need to happen for you to feel less sad?

Listening...