Vent and then let it go...

[Guest_1055]

I can't do this stupid life anymore. I just need to write this out. Because sometimes it has helped me on the past. Just to shout it out on words. I HATE THIS.. LIFE. The pain keeps happening over and over again. I cannot deal with it. Tears are in my eyes, frustration, aloneness, maybe bitterness, I hate that emotion. Just go in the name of Jesus. I forgive him. It hurts, please heal me. Where does my help come from. The maker of heaven and earth. I hurt Father God. I hurt. 

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Shell,

 I empathise with not being heard or responded to by someone you care about when you have gotten up the courage to communicate something from the heart. With a particular family member of mine I’ve reached a point of acceptance that he remains closed down to emotional communication with myself and others. I’m not sure if this is the case in your situation, or whether the person has the capacity to be emotionally responsive in time.

It may be the case too that if you have been quiet in the past about your feelings, he may be so used to that he is not registering your communication. Like you I was very quiet as a child, and for that matter my life as an adult too. I’m only starting to learn now to assert my needs and feelings. It can take a while to develop confidence with that. It often begins quite tentatively, and then slowly confidence gets built up over time with practice.

So be gentle and kind with yourself as it sounds like you are trying to inhabit a new way of being and communicating. You can nurture that part of yourself over time. There can be adjustment phases in our relationships with others as we learn to connect with and express our own emotions and others learn that we are doing this.

With my family member I had to go through a kind of grieving phase when I realised just how emotionally limited communication was with him. But it’s ok now as I’m learning to provide myself with greater attention and care, and also maintain relationships with others where there is emotional reciprocity and I can communicate my feelings and emotions in a context in which I’m heard and understood. I’m still at the beginning of really telling others my feelings, but there are kind people who have responded in lovely ways. I’ve stopped just saying “fine” and “good” when someone asks how I am. I’m actually learning to say, “Well I’m struggling a bit at the moment”, and that has opened up some honest and real conversations.

So don’t feel you are not valuable or a nobody. It sounds like you are just in a vulnerable stage of learning to let out those emotions that have been stuffed down so long. It often feels a bit rocky as we are learning a new way of being in the world. But you can build a stronger sense of self and nurture your inner child so that she knows her emotions and feelings are of value and important.

[Guest_1055]

Need somewhere to speak this out from my heart or share.

It is one of the hardest things in my life. My sister is in an emotional type abuse marriage. It is hard for me to even write it. As I feel disloyal to her being open here. I love her much and never want to hurt her. 

So many times my heart hurts for her, it feels like it breaks. Even as I write this tears are in my eyes. 

For many years she has lived in this, but sort of wasn't aware of it. All that time I use to visit I never knew about it. Never picked it up. One time her eldest daughter said to me " it's just a show" when I said your family always appears so happy. But I didn't understand what she meant. I only saw the " happy side" as that is what was presented to me. 

The other day ,I visited her ( the trauma has come into the light now) and she is very aware. But she is hurting so much and I see fear in her body language. And it so much feels like it's crushing my heart into a thousand pieces. She has a few friends now, she wasn't really allowed to before. He controlled all that. So she has support. But all those years I never knew. Think I was shown the public face. Part of me wants to go far away in my own mind and heart so it won't hurt me. I don't like the " far away" place. It's so hard because I love them both my sweet sister and him. I know he was abused himself when he was a little boy. And I think he doesn't even know or has experienced love himself deep down. Even that makes me sad with tears flowing down my cheeks. He seems to always needs to control and with anger, rage, criticism, manipulation, promoting fear in even his grown children when they were younger. He yelled at me once. And only one time. I remember them saying " she is going to cop it" a few years back . I had no idea want they meant nor had I seem him like that before. I don't even remember what he yelled at me. But I felt so very scared and hid in their laundry. Never had anyone yelled at me with rage before.

I am unsure why I am writing all this down. I keep praying for my sweet sister. But not clear on what I need to do with my own heart here. Sometimes it aches and aches for her. Sometimes I feel angry at him for hurting his entire family. But other times I feel sad for him.

[Guest_1055]

I am sorry Eagle Ray and the rising. I think I read your posts before. But didn't reply. I am sorry maybe that was unkind , I really don't know. But I appreciate your time you gave to me in writing them.  

[Guest_1055]

Father I lift up my sister to You. You know what is happening there. Please make a way, You say let not my heart be troubled. But it is Father God, it is. It feels like it's breaking. I know you love my sister and me. We are your daughter's. But it feels too much for me. To much. I cry out to You the living God. Please give wisdom to my sister. I ask that you will protect her. Surround her with Your angels as she sleeps right now. You say blessed are those who mourn for they shall be comforted. I know it feels weird to ask. And you are not physically here. Please oh God , let her feel your comforted arms around her. Help her to continue to trust You and all of this. I speak away the spirit of fear from her life now in your authority in Jesus name.

[therising]

Hi Guest_1055

Do you know what your sister would like to do about her marriage? Would she like to leave it but maybe feels she can't for a number of reasons? How do you think she'd feel about gaining some form of guidance, in the way of the marriage and for herself, personally? While my husband has never been seriously abusive, there was a time many years ago when I just couldn't tolerate how depressing my marriage had become. While I felt the need to seek marriage counseling, my husband never felt the need so I went on my own, to my local community centre. I learned a lot from the marriage counselor there, in the way of the dynamics of a healthy and unhealthy relationship, what an unhealthy relationship does to your self esteem without you realising and I learned so much more. I came away with a much better understanding of why I'd become so depressed. Over time I've learned that while trying to not rock the boat in a marriage, for fear of what could happen if you do, you can change yourself to the point where you lose so much of who you are so as not to upset your partner. Then, when you've completely given up who you are this can become incredibly depressing because you've given up your freedom to be your self. Can become such a heartbreaking and soul destroying feeling.

Do you know if your sister is depressed? Do you know if she's struggling with anxiety? Anxiety is something that can develop if a person is living in a situation where they're walking on eggshells every day. Do you think if you encourage her to address her own mental health issues, this may in turn lead her in a healthier direction? Are you able to guide her to seek some sense of relief and support in navigating her way forward?

You're such a beautiful person and your sister is so blessed to have you in her life, while you care for her and feel for her so much. The fact you feel so deeply for how much your brother-in-law suffered throughout life in his earlier years speaks of the level of compassion you have for people. As long as he remains feeling entitled to speak to people the way he does, instilling some sense of fear and dread in their lives, he will not change. It is a whole other story if he hates the way he treats people and desperately wants to change his ways. By the way, has your sister ever had time away from her husband, like a week's holiday away somewhere with you to some place you both really love? Maybe this could offer her a break from her husband and the freedom to be herself while doing whatever she loves doing, without fear. 

[Guest_1055]

I am glad you got some insight into how you are within your own marriage and how it affects you. 

My sister is working on self care, her own mental health, people are praying for her and the situation and she is receiving counselling. She has shared much in that regard with me. 

All of what you said is true, she does experience anxiety. She is working through this too. Yes the walking on eggshells is happening when he is home and even knowing he will be home.

She did go away for a few days , but he didn't like it. And there was some kind of control thing issue around it from him.

My own heart hurts for her. And it's hard to see her in such emotional hurt. I cannot really talk to her about this , because I think it will be just too overwhelming for her knowing how my own heart aches for her. I think I need some kind of counsel myself in how to manage my own well being in all this. It's very overwhelming and I find it heavy.

[therising]

Hi Guest_1055

I think sometimes our prayers are answered but not necessarily in the way we'd like. If we like easy and what comes to mind in prayer is a far from easy, there's the temptation to stay with what feels easier, no matter how much we suffer through that. In your sister's case, she knows how to manage staying in an abusive situation compared to having no idea of how to leave it.

Not sure if your sister's children are old enough to have moved out of home but if they have left, what may come to mind in prayer for your sister could be 'Now that your children have left, it's time for you to leave too'. Of course, not any easy thing to do. Or maybe what comes to mind in prayer for her, when she is suffering so deeply in a state of fear and depression, is 'You cannot keep living this way. You must find another way to live. You must find a way to come back to life so that you do not continue to feel yourself slowing dying inside'.

When it comes to prayer, what comes to mind for you, while you are in prayer? Could it be 'You need to tell your sister how you feel'? If so and while you wonder what purpose telling her could serve, could it serve her in the way of knowing how deeply you feel for her while also letting her know that her husband's behaviour impacts everyone (her, her kids, you and everyone else who feels for her). His behaviour has a much wider impact than what she may realise. He is leading many to suffer through him refusing to seek help and change in the ways he needs to, for himself and others. 

While some people pray for the best way forward for themself or another, others pray for an answer and when the answer comes to mind for them, it precedes the incredible challenges that follow in the way of much needed change.

[Guest_1055]

Thankyou for giving your time in responding to me the rising. It has helped me not feel so alone. Like someone knows a little of what is going on sort of thing. Appreciate it so much even knowing that you have read what I wrote. 

I am finding it challenging to know how to respond to what you wrote. But thankful that you chose to respond to me.

I don't know your story, like why you are on Beyond Blue. But I really hope that today is a beautiful day for you.

[Guest_1055]

Think I say and write wrong things or it doesn't come out right . Think I just want to hide away, can't do this 

[Eagle Ray]

Dear Shell,

I’m just reading this now in a country town cafe. I just want you to know you haven’t said anything wrong at all. You are trying to navigate a challenging situation in terms of knowing how to help your sister and handle the strong emotions you have because you care about her. Finding your own counselling could be helpful. There’s the option of getting a referral from a GP under a mental health care plan which reduces the cost. I also know there are spiritual directors who do a form of counselling which might fit with you coming from the Christian faith. I went to one a few years ago for a few sessions after a Christian friend recommended her to me. She was happy to see me even though I’m not a Christian specifically. She was a lovely lady and I found it quite helpful. I’m spiritually oriented so I liked that dimension of it even though I don’t have a particular faith. She was a gentle person. I feel like whoever you see if you get counselling, that someone gentle and kind would suit you because you are that way. If you do see someone, sense whether they are a good fit for you, and if not it is totally ok to move on to another.

You are courageous to reach out here because you care for your sister and her situation is affecting you. You haven’t done anything wrong and everything’s ok. I sometimes have to remind myself of that too. Take care.