Pressures from friendships, family and school are making me feel so alone.

[hellohi]

Hi,

I feel very alone and I feel nobody wants to hear me. I try to talk to my parents as much as I can about everything stupid to important, but they don’t understand or respect my opinion. They always taunt me and they are never satisfied with whatever I do. I can't talk to them about how I feel. They would never show me their affection, they never hug me, or give me a proper response for my special moments or properly spend time with me. They avoid me. I don't have a strong relationship with anyone.

I know I am very overweight and extremely ugly, I have to put up with it myself every day of my life. I hate the way I walk, talk and I am dumb in everything I do. So many times I have known the answer or have an idea, but I cannot say it out loud in class. I am fine with sharing things with my friends and sometimes other students in my class, but even with them I feel ignored and alone, as I cannot keep up with things going on in their lives, they all have social media and I don’t and they go all travelling and I have never been out the house except to go to school. Or they simply don’t want to talk to me because of my ugly looks and lack of popularity. There are students in my class who everyone respects because they are good-looking not caring how rude they can be, everyone tells me being beautiful in the inside is more important, but no one cares about being kind. I feel so out of place.

I try my hardest to look skinny, I wear clothes that I think will help me do that, I try to keep my things clean and tidy and I try to be nice as much as I can. Nothing works, I always feel the same; alone and stupid. I don’t want any of my friends and family to know about how I feel. But with my parents, my younger brother and my friends ignoring me and making me feel alone, make me think about suicide and I can't sleep during the night or wake up early in the morning.

I don’t feel loved, happy or accepted in the people I am surrounded with.

I feel weak, alone, misunderstood, ugly, sad, confused and a burden on everyone. I feel confused as I got no idea where I want to work. I feel stupid and sad because my grandma has breast cancer and I haven’t seen her, all I have done is make her miserable, I want to talk to her which I can’t do it through a phone call, because at that moment I don’t want to say and I don't know if she wants to talk to me.

Maybe I am overreacting because so many other people go through worse things than me, but this is how I feel

[ecomama]

Dear Neerja

You are being way too tough on yourself. My mother was also abusive, our dad left when I was very young with barely any contact. This abuse can make us take on what others say about us, esp our parents.

Even when it's not true.
Yours isn't true either.

As you grow older you will learn that you can forgive yourself.
I know NONE of what you did was vindictive or cruel, just accidents and a good move calling the police.
One day you may even hopefully forgive your parent's abuse and lack of responsibility for their actions and their blame on you - the blameless.
The Police did their job as they do and it's ALL on your dad and mum what they did.
It's ridiculous they blame you for their reputation. Maybe they should watch their manners?

It doesn't matter how YOU see yourself to me, I see the real you. A child in a difficult situation for now, blaming herself wrongly.

No I don't think the world will end soon, not at all. I grew up during the Cold War and wasn't sure then though.

My cousin was quite badly injured. My aunty forgave me almost immediately. My mother was cruel and reminded me of it often.

I've been No Contact with my mother for decades (when the Police took her away after I called them).
She's not mentally well at all.

I just KNOW when you speak with your grandmother and say what you need to say, that she will be grateful you talked with her. If she wanted you to not play with your cousins and spend every second with her, she would have said so.
A loving grandmother would not blame her grand daughter for playing and bonding with her cousins.
As I said that would bring me joy.

Your grandmother's illness is NOTHING at all to do with you. It's impossible that you caused it and crazy of anyone to suggest such a thing.

I doubt you would be so cruel as a grand mother either Neerja. You don't have it in you to be cruel to children.

You will also learn WHO is safe to talk to and who is not.
My youngest daughter told me how she's feeling last night and it was the worst. I'm taking the week off work to organise a different psychologist for her. A GP appt tomorrow. She's having the week off school.
If you thought you could trust either of your parents to tell them your darkest thoughts then you would have.
It's their fault your relationship is not trusting. You are only a child.
I wouldn't trust them either with all the mud they fling at you and each other.

Lots of love always
EM

[ecomama]

Hi Neerja

How are you doing?

Love EM

[hellohi]

Hi Ecomama,

I am really sorry for the late reply.

It was horrible after I called the police, they were hardly talking and acting so weirdly around me.

It's not because of COVID-19, but I just feel that everything is going to end for me.

The cold war was a bad time, rivalry can lead to so much.

I think it is awful that your mother reminded you consistently, that is horrible.

I am extremely glad that you did call the police. But would you ever want to meet or see your mother again?

No would want me as their daughter or a granddaughter. But I wish she wasn't unwell, I wish I could have a restart or disappear.

I don't know how to forgive myself, somehow my mind brings up everything.

Have you made a bucket list? Before my bucket is kicked, I don't know, I want to go to an amusement park, the rides are in high speed, you don't even notice what is even around you, you just keep going faster and faster.

I am extremely glad that your daughter opened about how she was feeling. It's so amazing that you took a week off work and arranged her a GP appointment and a different psychologist. How is she doing? How did the GP appointment go? I really hope she is doing well. Your children are lucky to have a mother like you.

My parents would never take even a day off work nor listen. It's really hard to trust them or even talk to them.

The past days haven't been great. There is so much work from school its overwhelming. I have been feeling a bit low lately and my mind feels really heavy and full, it's hard to concentrate and think. I don't know what is going on, but it feels suffocating.

How are you doing? Is your daughter feeling a bit better?

I hope you and your family are doing well.

Warmest wishes to you and your family,

Your friend forever and always and lots of love always too,

Neerja

I am really sorry again.

[ecomama]

Dearest Neerja

You never have to apologise for not responding here quickly.

I wish there was someone you trusted to talk to IRL. Your thoughts and feelings seem overwhelming and it's a really difficult time.

I'm sorry you think it will end soon, I really hope you can experience A LOT OF JOY before then!
The amusement rides lol, what a really fun thought! Do you want to know a story about an Amusement Park ride that I'll never forget?
Actually there's 2 but only if you want me to share them.

IDK how you feel about your parents inside but you asked if I ever would want to meet or see my mother again?
That's a really hard one... it's part of the cause of my PTSD skyrocketing a few months ago...
I do love her but it's complicated.
There's a black and white answer either yes or no.... then no (sadly).
Then there's grey areas, a conditional set of answers which I can expand upon if you want to know.
It's been decades of answering these questions to family at the beginning mostly.... but because you understand, I will talk with you ofcourse. Only if you want to and because I trust you.

Basically she's not a safe person to be around.

My daughter is doing alot better thankyou for asking. You're so kind and thoughtful. GP was good. The new psych clinic has been hopeless and I'm a bit peed off with them lol, so my Counsellor gave me another mob to chase up which we will. Her new bed came today & she worked on it all day today with one brother. Brothers are pretty cool lol.

MY bucket list? I would love to live a peaceful life without fear.
Better put lol... I would love to live a happy, fun, peaceful life with more courage.

I'm working hard in my garden for what I want it to look like but it's hard doing all the work on my own.
It would break my heart to sell this house and huge garden but IDK how I will manage it as I get older.

I feel sad after some things lately. It's hard to think of bucket list things now. I'm so happy (really trying to be lol) that I got ALL the things I wished for in my last Dream Folder.
Reminding myself to be grateful every day is where I'm at.

I'd like a different type of balcony railing! lol... one I can SEE THROUGH to the water out there when I'm writing to you. I can a bit but I'd love a FULL VIEW. I feel silly even saying that.
My new tall kitchen cabinet arrived today but I have to put it all together which is another downer - but of a mixed up head space atm.

Lots of love
EM

[hellohi]

Hi Ecomama,

Thank you for understanding. There have been a lot of meetings for year 9's lately. Yesterday was the information night, they said that the wellbeing students will have to talk to the psychologist in the other school. I am scared because my school counsellor will tell them everything and I am not even sure if I want to talk to the psychologist and I am not getting a choice.

I WOULD LOVE TO HEAR YOUR STORIES!!!!!!!!! I love your stories, please share them.

I also don't know how I feel about my parents.

I understand how you feel mix feelings about your mother. If you want, I would like to know about the grey areas and the conditional set of answers.

I am extremely glad that your daughter is doing much better than before, it is really good to hear. haha, mob. Setting up the new bed sounds really fun!

I like your bucket list! I hope you live the bestest life ever you deserve.

Gardening sounds really hard work, but I bet your garden looks fabulous and it is amazing how much you care about the environment, hardly anyone does care about the environment. I hope you don't sell the house, there is this connection with the house.

I am deeply sorry you are feeling sad, are you doing ok?

I am extremely glad that you got all of the things from your dream folder, that is awesome!

That sounds so beautiful, to see through the water outside! It sounds so peaceful, calm and amazing! I don't think it is silly EM, I think it is a great idea! Did you add it to your dream folder?

Putting up a kitchen cabinet sounds very difficult, haha I remember when we were putting up the outdoor swing, it was a disaster! Have you finished putting the kitchen cabinet together?

Thank you so much Ecomama for being my friend and I am sorry that I reply so late. I am extremely grateful to have a friend like you. I don't think I can ever thank you enough.

How are you doing healthwise, are you recovering well?

Is your daughter doing well? And your friends?

I hope you, your family and your friends are doing well.

Warmest wishes and lots of love always,

Your friend forever and ever,

Neerja

Thank you again Ecomama 🙂

[ecomama]

Dearest Neerja I am your friend for ever and ever too. 🧡💛💚💙💜

My daughter is doing ok. 1 step forward, 2 back some days but it's the nature of things for her, maybe for a while yet.

Oh I wanted to ask whether your dad was ok with you getting a casual job? Remember how you talked of Officeworks and I was SO jealous? lol!

No, my kitchen cabinet is STILL in the box 🤔😏... I think I'll pay someone to put it together. Yeah cheating lol. My eyes were too big for my belly with that one lol, I hope it fits, it's HUGE!

I now have 3 friends who are very unwell. My Nanna lived till almost 100 and told me how difficult it was for her to lose friends.

Thankyou for saying it's ok to want a see through balcony lol! It's so tricky for me to decide because glass would make the balcony SO HOT in Summer & those wire string things - no. It's 3 stories high & I'm a safety freak lol. My brother built this railing and it'll be the LAST thing that collapses in this house lol. So I'll put the 'idea' of a see through balcony in my dream folder lol.

Yeah my mum & "conditions".. I decided a long time ago that IF she was incapacitated in a Nursing Home & couldn't walk AND wanted to see me still, only then would I consider visiting her. I'll share with you that I'm not sure I could tbh but this has been my answer & intent so far.
I cried so much in the past missing her "good side" but her other side is so unsafe & unpredictable, it's a sad her good side doesn't prevail.

Don't worry about school counsellors passing on info. It's probably a line or 2. No biggie. It's only meant to help you. xxxx

Ok my screwdriver ride story. I was 18yo, away with friends on Schoolies, before it was called Schoolies because I'm ancient lol. We were in Qld at an amusement park, yes they were even there last century! lol. My friends set up a competition of who could go on the ride continuously the most times...I thought it was an awful idea but they set the challenge so we were all in.
The ride was called the Screwdriver or something similar. You sat in a little carriage and it went around and round and round and round about 10 times then you got off but then we had to run to the beginning again and start again immediately. No one else was there so we could.

Have a guess who won?
And have a guess how many times they went on it back to back.

I'm dizzy at the thought LOL!

I should tell you what we did on Year 12 muck up day! LOL!

Love EM

[ecomama]

Hey Neerja

How are you doing?

Love EM

[hellohi]

Hi Ecomama,

I am really really really for replying so late.
I have been sick and I haven’t been able to do much, I wasn’t able to walk or sit up properly and I spent days in bed and because of Covid I wasn’t able to get much help from the GP.
I am feeling a bit better, today.
I am really behind in schoolwork too, I have so many overdue assignments.

Thank you so much for being my friend forever and ever, it really means a lot to me. Thank you ❤️

How is your daughter doing?

My dad isn’t ok with me working, he says after a few months or next year he will let me. But I am going to fix up my resume. I hope I get a job at Officeworks. It would be so fun to work in Officeworks together!!!!!!!!!!

Did you end up putting together your kitchen cabinet?

I am really sorry that 3 of your friends are unwell. Sending prayers for a speedy recovery to all your friends.

Wow! The railing must be really strong, that is amazing!!!!!!! Are you scared of heights? I am, lol.

Has your mother asked you to visit her? I understand how you feel about visiting your mother and missing her good side. But I am extremely glad that today you are safe from her.

My school counsellor have been calling my parents a lot lately about seeing a GP and they never talk to me about when they are calling about to call my parents, they have broken my trust, I have been pretending to be fine and haven’t been responding to their emails much. Maybe if I keep doing it, they will have nothing to say to the next school’s counsellors.

You are not ancient, no one is ancient!!!!! Lol.
WOW IT SOUNDS REALLY HARD RIDING ON THE RIDE!!!! Especially the running part right after the ride! I am going to guess 15, and I am going to guess that you won, even though you thought it was an awful idea! IT SOUNDS AWESOME AND EXTREMELY FUN!!!

I WOULD LOVE TO HEAR ABOUT YEAR 12 MUCK UP DAY, IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO SHARE!!!!! 😀

How are you doing?

I hope you and your family and friends are doing well.

Your friend forever and ever,

Neerja

❤️🧡💛💚💙💜

[ecomama]

Hellooooo Neerja my friend!

WELCOME BACK WE MISSED YOU!!!!

I'm so sorry to hear you've been sick arghhhhhh you poor darling. And the weather's very cold down there isn't it?

I REALLY hope your health improves!

I hate being behind in assignments... hopefully you can get extensions etc.

Gosh that IS really rude and disrespectful of the Counsellor to do that behind your back.... isn't she supposed to be there for YOU after all??? what even is that!

We learn Neerja we really do about "the divide"... it's a huge chasm sometimes and people we expect to support us aren't.
It STINKS.
But this is a lesson to you about WHO to trust and who NOT to trust. 2 opposite sides of the chasm my dear.

She's blown your trust so she needs "nexting" lol!! NEXT!

Oh come one! 15?? ... close lol it was 17 and I didn't even vomit! Others did.
Sure I won.

My daughter is doing much better. She's still probably leaving school young. That's fine by me. I just want her breathing as I do you... so whatever it takes. Speaking of daughters, my eldest D is coming soon with a leather lounge for me! Plus taking my old fridge for herself. My new one came on Friday and it's AWESOME lol. And she's taking my car to pick up chairs and tables she bought on Gumtree. So it's a shorter post than usual sorry!

The cabinet is still in boxes lol! I've decided to get a handyman to put it together. Nup can't do it.

I think of you all the time and always send you my best thoughts and wishes and Prayers.

Love you
EM

[hellohi]

Hi Ecomama,

I think of you all of the time too and always send my best thoughts, prayers and wishes to you, your family and friends.

I am really sorry for the late reply again. Today I got discharged from hospital because on Monday after the GP appointment, I had to go to the emergency department. I had a surgery on Tuesday. I feel a bit better, but the medications make me really tired. The weather is really cold here.

The teachers aren't that helpful, the extensions aren't for that long and I don't have enough time to finish the schoolwork. The medications make it hard to do to schoolwork.

You are right it is a lesson to understand who to trust and who not to trust. I don't know who to trust anymore, but I will always trust you. Nexting - lol, I never heard of that word before but I love that word!!!!!!!

Wow!!!!! That is amazing that you didn't even vomit!!!!!!!! and you thought it was an awful idea for the challenge, but you didn't know that you would be amazing at the challenge and win!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I am extremely glad that your daughter much better, that is wonderful to hear!!!!!!!!!!!!

It sounds amazing that your house is having new furniture and your eldest daughter, I think it is awesome how you swap things and reuse things!!!!!!!!!

Please don't apologise. I hope you have a fun time with furniture changing!!!!!

Wishing you, your family and friends, the best of health, happiness, joy and wellness.

I hope you have an amazing day filled with smiles, happiness, laughter and wellness. Hope you have the same happiness you bring to others.

Love you too,

Neerja

💖💛💙💚💜💖

Thank you Ecomama for being my friend, I am really thankful for our friendship.