Pressures from friendships, family and school are making me feel so alone.

[hellohi]

Hi,

I feel very alone and I feel nobody wants to hear me. I try to talk to my parents as much as I can about everything stupid to important, but they don’t understand or respect my opinion. They always taunt me and they are never satisfied with whatever I do. I can't talk to them about how I feel. They would never show me their affection, they never hug me, or give me a proper response for my special moments or properly spend time with me. They avoid me. I don't have a strong relationship with anyone.

I know I am very overweight and extremely ugly, I have to put up with it myself every day of my life. I hate the way I walk, talk and I am dumb in everything I do. So many times I have known the answer or have an idea, but I cannot say it out loud in class. I am fine with sharing things with my friends and sometimes other students in my class, but even with them I feel ignored and alone, as I cannot keep up with things going on in their lives, they all have social media and I don’t and they go all travelling and I have never been out the house except to go to school. Or they simply don’t want to talk to me because of my ugly looks and lack of popularity. There are students in my class who everyone respects because they are good-looking not caring how rude they can be, everyone tells me being beautiful in the inside is more important, but no one cares about being kind. I feel so out of place.

I try my hardest to look skinny, I wear clothes that I think will help me do that, I try to keep my things clean and tidy and I try to be nice as much as I can. Nothing works, I always feel the same; alone and stupid. I don’t want any of my friends and family to know about how I feel. But with my parents, my younger brother and my friends ignoring me and making me feel alone, make me think about suicide and I can't sleep during the night or wake up early in the morning.

I don’t feel loved, happy or accepted in the people I am surrounded with.

I feel weak, alone, misunderstood, ugly, sad, confused and a burden on everyone. I feel confused as I got no idea where I want to work. I feel stupid and sad because my grandma has breast cancer and I haven’t seen her, all I have done is make her miserable, I want to talk to her which I can’t do it through a phone call, because at that moment I don’t want to say and I don't know if she wants to talk to me.

Maybe I am overreacting because so many other people go through worse things than me, but this is how I feel

[hellohi]

HIGH FIVE TO YOU!!!!! ✋🏼

[ecomama]

Hi Neerja

You don't have to apologise to me about taking a while to respond, I'm back at work today too! So we're both juggling more.

You ask why live when one day we know we'll die? I guess because one day we will die! SO we may as well make the VERY best of life while we have it..... that's my first personal response to your question. Others may have many and varied answers. There ARE many and varied answers.
* another is to make those around me have a nicer life. When you give happiness to others it brings more happiness to us.

The opposing question could be, would you like your life more if you thought you'd live forever?

We each have the opportunity to take what we may out of life, it's up to each of us to try or not.

I Pray your brother is well. I hope the other little person recovers well too.

I'm not 100%, I think I have a chest infection of sorts but I see my GP on Thursday so amongst other things, he may have ideas on that. All good.

DId you end up deciding on which subjects to take?

Love EM

[ecomama]

Hi Neerja

Did your little brother's test results come back?

How are you doing?

Love EM

[hellohi]

Hi Ecomama,

I am really really sorry for the late reply, I really hope we are still friends. I am sorry.

I think you give a lot of happiness to others and make life around you better too. 🙂

How is work going?

I am going ok i guess, I have been a bit sick lately but doing ok now. Teachers have been putting a lot of assignments up with not enough time to complete them.

I am not making the best of my life, I wish life was like a remote control. Where you can press stop and leave or disappear, or restart life. That will be good, going away will be so much more easier. I don't know what I am want from life, I am so hopeless, probably woundn't do much in my life and I have wasted every day in my 14 years.

My younger brother's results haven't came yet, its making me nervous. I hope it comes soon and it is negative. Thank you for your prayers for him. 🙂

How did your GP appoinment go? I deeply hope it went well.

We are going to have subject selection meeting in a few weeks and then we will get another few weeks to choose. I kind of have an idea of what subjects I might want to do, but still not completely sure yet, lol.

Sending you strength, hope, happiness and many virtual hugs. May every day be filled with the same joy and happiness you bring to others.

Your friend forever and ever,

Neerja

[ecomama]

Dear Neerja

I'm sorry to hear you've been feeling unwell, did you need to see a Dr?

My Drs appt went well, my blood pressure is down to within a normal range again thank God. No need for medication, which I hope to avoid.
My Dr also did what I asked (lol) and printed out the Psychologists report she sent to him.
It was really good, very positive but a few surprises, mostly good ones lol.

Yes I know of people who wished they could press the restart button.
I've wished to press pause but I have felt similar to you in the past and for many years a while back now.

We know we can't do either.

I believe you've been a great student for the teachers to teach and studied well.
You're only 14 but haven't wasted time.
You've just done the best you can under the, at times very trying, circumstances.
You've spent 14 years growing up!

What are some things you could do to make yourself feel like life is worth living?

I was thinking of you this morning in the kitchen and wondered about your little brother, I hope he's okay.
Then I thought of my "little" brother who's around 50y old. We adopted him at 3 weeks old and I was THE HAPPIEST SISTER in the whole world that day. I couldn't stop looking at him and wanted to hold his hand all the time and did on the long trip home. He had never seen me before. My other brother had dies you see and I thought God must have entrusted him to me.
When we were young he was a very angry child. He's almost completely deaf and was really frustrated so much of the time. He took it out on me alot up until his 20s.
I always loved him and told him so.
Now? We have a pretty good relationship - not the best - but good. He trusts me which is beautiful.
If I had left him early, it could have destroyed him.
I couldn't do that to him, I don't think he ever would have recovered tbh.

I don't mean to put guilt or shame onto you, I really don't, but KNOWING how those who love us would be, can really help us pull back.

You are such a bright young person. So full of compassion for others here. You brighten their days, and mine, with your kindness, empathy and wise words. You connect with people even when you're feeling so bad inside and can't tell anyone IRL.

Do you how RARE these qualities are? I think you do. You see others IRL every day without these qualities.

If you leave then the baddies win lol.

You're a goodie. Please stay. Hold on. Things WILL change. I promise.

Lots of love always
EM

[hellohi]

Hi Ecomama,

I didn't have to see a doctor, it was just a bit of dizziness. Feeling ok now.

I am extremely glad that your doctors went well! My heart is filled with joy, it is extremely good that your blood pressure to a normal range! I am glad that your dr did what you said and your report was very positive. I am so glad!!!!!! Wishing you the very best health and happiness in life. 🙂

I wish there was a stop button and leave forever and dead people cannot feel anything, how great is that

I am really sorry that you felt that same way.

We are going to find out my brother's results today or tomorrow, its been over a week and we haven't gotten the results.

I am deeply sorry for the loss of your brother. Your brother will always love you and watch over you.

It's really beautiful to hear that your brother trusts you and you have a good relationship. I think he is really lucky to have a sister like you.

Thank you for being so kind and supportive, you have given me hope. You are definitely a goodie. I don't know if I am because of the mistakes I have made.

How have you been doing? How is work?

Wishing you the best success, wellness and happiness because a person as amazing as you, deserves all of their dreams to come true. Everywhere you go, you fill-up the place with smiles and may every day be filled with the same joy, smiles and happiness you bring to others.

Warmest wishes,

Your friend always and forever,

Neerja

[ecomama]

Dearest Neerja

Goodness me your brother's results are taking a while. Any news yet?

Sweetheart we ALL make mistakes. We all fail!

We all carry shame and embarrassment for past actions if we don't deal with it..... ok 1 big truth is that if people DON'T feel shame then they are extremely mentally unwell and don't have the capacity for guilt, shame or remorse. (listen to Brene Brown's talks if you think I'm pulling your leg lol).

You are NOT one of those people.

You are like me and so many others who feel these things.

Please share one thing if you can that you're upset about, a "mistake" you speak of. I'd really like you talk about these so we can work through them together. I probably did the exact same thing, who knows.
I've made SO MANY mistakes that I wouldn't even know where to start lol. I truly wouldn't.

Work was good last week but a really REALLY sad thing happened and it shook me and our whole staff and soon our community to the core. I won't share, it's just too sad.

So I'm entering work next week with humility that I only know how to "hold presence" with others.
I don't really know what else to do. I also don't want to cause further damage to others by saying the wrong thing.
As my PTSD and anxiety diminishes, this is getting easier.

How are things there?
Are your parents still talking of divorce?

Take care Neerja, you are the sweetest thing.

Love EM

[hellohi]

Hi Ecomama,

My brother's results came negative. I am really happy, but I feel really bad for the kid that tested positive in his class, I really hope the kid and his/her family is doing well.

One of the stupidest mistakes I have made is, I called the police when my parents were arguing, it was one of their everyday arguments, but during that day, I don't know what happened. My head felt heavy and I wasn't thinking and called. I don't think my parents have forgiven me ever, it caused many misunderstandings. Another thing I did was when I went to see my family (grandparents and cousin) who live in a different country, I didn't spend enough time with my grandmother, I spent time playing games with my cousins. Then I found out she had breast cancer, I can never forgive myself for this and it's probably my fault that she is suffering. This is the one that makes me hate myself the most.

Another thing I did was when I dropped my little brother by accident 5 years ago we were playing a game and I don't know how but the pram tilted, luckily the pram wasn't high, he didn't get hurt but I hate myself for it, I bet it was my fault. These are some of the things I have done, I have done so much more. I know what you are thinking, I am a horrible person.

I am really and deeply sorry that a sad thing happened in your community. if you ever do want to share, I can listen. I understand that it will be hard to go to work next week, but I think people will really value your presence with them. Please stay strong, and you got this!

I am really glad that the impact of PTSD and anxiety is reducing, that is really good Ecomama!

My parents haven't mentioned divorce for a few days, which is good, but it is mainly because my dad is pretty much always at work and so is my mum, so they hardly have time to argue, lol. But it is also because my brother and him getting tested. It was a stressful time. But they were blaming each other and me for the cause of my brother getting tested.

How are you going?

Sending you many virtual hugs. 🙂

Your friend forever,

Neerja

[ecomama]

Oh dear Jesus Neerja NO I DON'T THINK YOU ARE A horrible person! gosh I can barely write your name and the word 'horrible' in the same sentence.

NO FREAKING WAY!!!

THANKYOU SO MUCH for sharing some things that you felt bad about! I'm so grateful that you shared those things - I was wondering if you were going to share one thing, so thankyou.

You've showed me your great courage! I already know you are courageous.

You did a far more courageous thing and that was to allow yourself to be vulnerable with me by telling me.

You've given me a precious gift in sharing. I will not abuse the privilege.

I thought about you last night whilst cooking lol and tried to remember the worst things I did before the age of 14yo and WOW the list was loooooooooooooong. Long!

The worst thing was so awful... I dropped a very heavy old typewriter on my baby cousin's head by accident!
My poor baby cried so hard. I can tell you more about what happened for years after... later. I was 10y old.

That's only ONE!
But can we do ourselves a favour and SEPARATE the list into 2 lists? Unintentional and Intentional.

That one was completely unintentional and so was the one with your brother 5y ago... AWESOME he doesn't have covid btw - Prayers answered. You were a little kid & you didn't mean to!

The one with your grandparents.... I had a similar one at 12yo that I felt bad about for years after...
Now let me respond from a grandmother's perspective....
I WANT to see my grandchildren playing happily! Seeing this brings so much joy to me! YOU would've made your grandparents SO HAPPY playing joyfully with your cousins. Ask them.
I know as a Nana that my grandchildren will be around for alot longer than I will.
I WANT them to form loving bonds with each other, this gives me so much comfort for their futures - you have no idea.
I truly don't want my grandchildren milling around me all sad and crying.... EVER. They can ofcourse but it would also make me so so so sad.
That's not good for anyone's health.
Skype them. They will love that.

About the Police call WELL THAT'S FANTASTIC you did that!
I commend you and will forever for making that call!
As a parent THAT would make me pull my freaking head in and APOLOGISE to my child(ren) for feeling so unsafe that they had to!
I WOULD TAKE RESPONSIBILITY for MY OWN actions that made you need to do that.
Nope not a mistake Neerja - A COURAGEOUS MOVE! Well done.

We can talk more about these or move on to the next ones lol.

Love EM

[hellohi]

Hi Ecomama,

I have done a lot of things though and I am reminded by mind each day and my parents add more on. My dad says to me he will never forget when I called the police. He doesn't care about how I felt in the situation, he said that his reputation was ruined with that. My parents never apologised to me, lol, they made me hate myself for it.

when I told the school counsellor about my suicidal thoughts after 2 years going through them alone, he said I should have talked to him other than ruining his reputation and talking to the counsellor and he said that he buys me things, which means I shouldn't be wanting to die and he called me selfish and greedy. My mum did her cried and did her guilt-tripping.

When I found out that my grandmother had breast cancer I cried for months, I wish I spent more time with her and I bet she hates me. I hate myself and if I was in her place I would have hated me too. I don't have any contact numbers with my grandmother and my dad hardly ever lets me talk to her, I don't even know what he says to her or when he calls her. I wish I could talk to her, but I am going to find her number on my dad's phone and when my parents are gone to work, to call her on my phone. I wish I could reverse time and be able to tell my grandmother how much I love her, to forgive me, to hug her and spend more time with her. Its all my fault that she is suffering and I will never forgive myself for it. I have been selfish to spend time with my cousins, that's what I and my parents think. It's all my fault.

Have you ever had this feeling that everything is going end soon? I don't know, I have been having this intuition that maybe in a few weeks, months or years, everything is going to end for me.

I really hate myself, everything is wrong in me, I think I am a horrible person. My looks are horrible and the things I have done are horrible. I will never forgive myself.

Did your cousin get hurt? My brother cried, but he was really confused about what had happened and my mum cried as well.

Thank you for being so supportive, you made me feel a bit better about my mistakes and thank you for your prayers for my brother. 🙂

Thank you for being my friend and being here.

How are you?

Many thanks and wishing you the very best health, wellness and happiness,

Warmest wishes,

Your friend forever,

Neerja