Pressures from friendships, family and school are making me feel so alone.

[hellohi]

Hi,

I feel very alone and I feel nobody wants to hear me. I try to talk to my parents as much as I can about everything stupid to important, but they don’t understand or respect my opinion. They always taunt me and they are never satisfied with whatever I do. I can't talk to them about how I feel. They would never show me their affection, they never hug me, or give me a proper response for my special moments or properly spend time with me. They avoid me. I don't have a strong relationship with anyone.

I know I am very overweight and extremely ugly, I have to put up with it myself every day of my life. I hate the way I walk, talk and I am dumb in everything I do. So many times I have known the answer or have an idea, but I cannot say it out loud in class. I am fine with sharing things with my friends and sometimes other students in my class, but even with them I feel ignored and alone, as I cannot keep up with things going on in their lives, they all have social media and I don’t and they go all travelling and I have never been out the house except to go to school. Or they simply don’t want to talk to me because of my ugly looks and lack of popularity. There are students in my class who everyone respects because they are good-looking not caring how rude they can be, everyone tells me being beautiful in the inside is more important, but no one cares about being kind. I feel so out of place.

I try my hardest to look skinny, I wear clothes that I think will help me do that, I try to keep my things clean and tidy and I try to be nice as much as I can. Nothing works, I always feel the same; alone and stupid. I don’t want any of my friends and family to know about how I feel. But with my parents, my younger brother and my friends ignoring me and making me feel alone, make me think about suicide and I can't sleep during the night or wake up early in the morning.

I don’t feel loved, happy or accepted in the people I am surrounded with.

I feel weak, alone, misunderstood, ugly, sad, confused and a burden on everyone. I feel confused as I got no idea where I want to work. I feel stupid and sad because my grandma has breast cancer and I haven’t seen her, all I have done is make her miserable, I want to talk to her which I can’t do it through a phone call, because at that moment I don’t want to say and I don't know if she wants to talk to me.

Maybe I am overreacting because so many other people go through worse things than me, but this is how I feel

[ecomama]

Dearest Neerja

Ofcourse I love you & I know your parents love you too!
They try so hard to protect you from the outside world.

But I really hear you struggling. I'm so sorry for all your struggles. Dealing with the thoughts & feelings you're having 'alone' IRL is so hard. I know this.

I know there'd be others in the same situation as you right now. I saw on a post to you somewhere, someone said you would be a GREAT Counsellor, one day, for other teens going through ALL this and sometimes more.

THIS WILL CHANGE. This time will pass, its not for forever. Just for now.

It can take a long while to beat depression but I know you can do it.

Have you tried Headspace? I understand they have an online access part that you can chat with a Counsellor online. You are the right age group for them. They are very experienced in helping teenagers.
They can follow their support with you until 25yo but they actually supported my eldest Ds friend, K, until she was 27yo when she found a good Counsellor outside of this. She had INSURMOUNTABLE pressures on her to be totally perfect from her mum. She was never allowed out anywhere, only to Church on Sundays & only with her mum. She HAD to be top of her grade at ALL times. It was horrible.
Then her mum & step dad broke up. Her mum left her to go interstate & got on drugs (again). K was left alone, she has no siblings.
She ended up with a cocktail of diagnoses. No wonder. She completely dropped out of education after getting Dux (you would think her mum would have been HAPPY but no she left when K was 18yo).
She worked in Cafes, kept seeing Headspace, then a new Counsellor.
After all this I saw her this week. She travelled 2h up to see my D. She looked FANTASTIC. She looked happy.

Life isn't all Fairy Tales - it seldom ever is. But we can look at the dark side or choose to find the bright side. EVEN if it's only that you have the eyes to read here.

YOU have so much more than that Neerja. You are BRIGHT, studious, intelligent, sweet, kind and caring. You are so loving & can already see all the things that are having a negative impact on you. You can BE whatever you want to be. A teacher, whatever.

See about Headspace please. I really hope they help you.

Love EM.

[hellohi]

Hi Ecomama,

You are right, they do work hard to protect and the only reason they are together is because of my brother and me. But I would appreciate it if they actually would trust and talk to me. I will try my hardest to never break their trust. I would also appreciate it if they would support me other than complain, yell, blame or judge me.

I want to die and whenever death comes I will welcome it. I don't think things will change, it has been the same for 14 years, actually, things have gotten worse over time.

I don't think I would be a great counsellor, I would probably make their situations worse, lol.

I think you would be a wonderful counsellor, you make people feel comfortable and safe.

My school counsellor gave me details of Headspace, Kids Helpline, BeyondBlue and Lifeline. I have never used Lifeline. But I have used Headspace before, I think 2 times. The waiting time was extremely long, I think even longer than KHL. When they did talk to me, all they did was say that think I have depression, see a GP, gave me information sheets about body image, positive thinking, GP's and depression. But they didn't realise that I would need to talk to my parents to see a GP and that I am not ready to see a GP. I might try Headspace again. But I am so glad that Headspace really helped K.

I am really sorry that K, had so many pressures on her and her mum left her and she felt alone. It sounds really overwhelming and painful.

But I am so glad that see used headspace and found a counsellor and a job in a Cafe.

Dux is amazing, her mother should have been proud of her. I think it is a wonderful achievement!

I am extremely glad that she looked happy and things have changed for her.

I don't know if I can be whatever I want to be, I don't know if I have a future. But thank you for your kind words and your support. 🙂

How are you doing? Are you feeling better?

Is your friend still denying treatment?

Thank you for being here and being my friend.

I hope you and your friends and family are doing well.

Warm wishes,

Your friend,

Neerja

[ecomama]

Hi Neerja

How are you feeling today?

Love EM

[hellohi]

Hi Ecomama,

I have been feeling ok.

My parents have been having arguments again. Their competition has started again. That means being extremely kind to my younger brother to get him on one of their sides. They have been making it so obvious, lol. This means more avoiding me, lol.

They have been talking about divorce lately. I have mixed feeling about that. I am glad as they will be happier as they feel stuck with each other. On the other hand, I think that will ruin my and my parent's relationship even more. My dad will be always at work or on his phone, ignoring me. My mum will be with my younger brother all day and whenever she will talk to me, she will yell at me all of the time. When they are together, to show each other than one is kinder, they will be considerate of my younger brother and me. Living with one of them each week would mean a lot of changes, arguments and it will be hard. I am glad that it will happen a few years later.

How have you been going?

I hope you and your family are doing well.

May each day be filled with laughter, the warmth of sunshine, kindness, compassion and wellness.

Warm wishes,

Your friend,

Neerja

Sorry for the late reply

[ecomama]

Dear Neerja

TBH if they are fighting so much and for so many years, it could be the best thing for all of you.

You just never know how things will turn out.

Do you have a set of earphones?
lol they'd come in handy.

What have been up to for yourself?

We're doing well. I hope to be doing better health wise lol.

Love EM

[hellohi]

Hi Ecomama,

Sorry for the late reply again.

You are right they have been fighting for a long time now. I have seen them fight all of life. When I was born till I was 9-10 years old they had intense fights, physical and verbal. There were times where I would look through the window, watching one of them leave for a bit. It was scary. They would have arguments all day, give each other 'silent treatments', some times I felt like a postperson delivering their messages. I felt stuck. There were times when they blamed me for their fights. I wish I knew about KHL and had earphones when I was younger, it would have helped. When I was 10+ my younger brother was born. This lead to less intense arguments and me and my parent's relationship getting weaker. I hid so many things from them, I still do. When I was bullied in school, I never told them. My suicidal thoughts, I never told them. My school counsellor did and that lead to more misunderstandings blaming and judging. I think their divorce would benefit everyone.

I added more things to the places I want to go;

• Disneyland, or any other amusement park
• The Lourve
• The place you told me about with the Christmas lights, I forgot the name sorry
• The Taj Mahal
• The Golden Temple

Have you added anything to your list?

I have been wanting to ask you this question for a long time: What is the point to live?
You spend years in school; studying. Then you get a job; spend years working. What is the point? There is nothing fun, enjoyable; it's all pointless and then you die with working your one and entire life.

I am really glad that you and your family are doing well. I really hope you do better health-wise too. Are you still not feeling well and in pain?

I really hope you feel better. Sending you strength, prayers for healing and wellness.

Warm wishes,

Your friend always and forever 🙂

Neerja

[ecomama]

Dearest Neerja

I LOVE LOVE LOVE Your list! omg I wanna go too lol.

Oh The Louvre yes!
DO they do virtual tours? IDK.

What's the Golden Temple? Where is it?
It sounds AMAZING. Yes let's go there too lol.

The place with the magical Christmas Lights is Temple Square UTAH in the U.S.
You can 'go there' online, people have put up clips of it.

What is the point to live? I'm not sure, it's different for everyone. It's really of our OWN design when we reach a certain age.

For me there are plenty of reasons to live:
- meeting you
- finding peeps on BB to learn from
- to fulfil my dreams like you listed above
- to go to a job I love which means I hardly "work" a day in my life
- to laugh at funny comedies
- to rescue unwanted animals and do ALL the time lol (2y ago I had 30 of them!) and give them a loving home
- to be pleasant to anyone and everyone I pass, which helps them have a nicer day
- to create my life, my home, my happiness
- to watch HAIL coming down right now! wow! I haven't seen hail in ages. I love storms. It's deafening now!
- to listen to music that inspires me and makes me feel good
- having long hot baths lol. My fave.
so many other reasons for me.

"Any day above ground is a good day" is the truth compared to not being here.

When you leave home you will be able to do the things that YOU want to do.

For now you have the TIME to dream of it all and to CREATE it in your mind.

My Dr gave me meds and I will need to go into hospital later on. I intend on healing again, so am focussed intently on that.

Love EM

[hellohi]

Hi Ecomama,

The Lourve has a virtual tour, it is really good! It feels like you are actually walking around inside the museum. I will watch the videos of the Temple Square Utah, I saw photos of it and it looks remarkable!

The golden temple is a temple that first opened during 1589, it is conserved really well and is made of real gold. It is a really peaceful, beautiful, magical and place with great architecture. Let's go there!

Wow, I am one of your reasons to live.

WOW!!!!! 2 years ago you had 30 animals! THAT IS AMAZING!!!!!!!

Having long hot baths is the best!

I don't know what my reasons to live are, but I do know my reasons not to live.

I am really sorry you will need to go into hospital later. I really hope you feel better and I am really glad that you are focused on healing.

I wish I was a magician; so I could make you feel better with the wave of a wand.

May good health and wellness envelop you.

Sending you healing thoughts and sunshine to brighten your day.

Warm wishes,

Your friend forever,

Neerja

[ecomama]

Dearest Neerja

Yes 30 rescue animals. I took in 20 rescue chickens, from battery farms, had some already. Plus a rescue cat & rescue dog!

We sold the eggs for $8 / dozen & this more than paid for all 30 animal's food.

A long while back I just made the firm decision TO live. Then looked & found so MANY things to live for.

I really want you to live. I know you have SO MUCH to offer. You offer so much here to others. You are OUR friend!

You may not know what you can offer later, it's truly not important atm because you're so young.

I remember not laughing for a long time. I saw others laughing & couldn't laugh. I knew I felt really low.
So I began to watch comedies on ABC 2. Some are SO silly but lots are funny.

I watched kids shows too & reached inside myself to find the childlike way of looking at things.
I'm probably never going to grow up! LOL.
And if I don't want to then I won't.

I remember thinking "what if I'm alone in my old age?" and then I KNEW I'd be one of those mad old ladies taking in trillions of unwanted animals & trying to find them wonderful homes.
AND I'm going to dye my hair cornflower blue - just because I can.

I AM SO GOING WITH YOU to the Golden Temple!

I was born in Asia, did I tell you? I had photos of myself as a baby & young girl in front of MASSIVE gold statues of Buddha. Buddha laying down, Buddha sitting. I have a Buddha under a tree in my garden. OH my Bible study group were umm EM? 😂🤣 Yep! that's Buddha lol. We put dollar shop necklaces around his neck.

And have you seen all the BEAUTIFUL Muslim Temple Architecture & patterns all over them?
I LOVE THOSE DESIGNS SO MUCH. It's like I lived there in a previous life or something the attachment is so strong. Is "Temple" the right word? NO Mosque! Okay all over the Mosques oops. Sorry everyone. Hope that's right?
I also LOVE how the incredible Architects had the SUN shining through different shaped alcoves in the walls to cast shadows on other walls. LOVE.

Yesterday I Prayed that someone would give me wire coat hangers lol. I want them to twist and hold up little pots of plants for an indoor green wall downstairs on the porch. I could've bought wire but I'm a greenie and money saver so couldn't stomach buying wire lol.
TODAY I got them!
What?
Yes! lol so happy.

I didn't tell you but my bf and I 'broke up'.

Today I bought myself a SINGLE garden throne from the garden Nursery. It's got all wrangly vines and 2 birds on it. I love it.

Love EM

[hellohi]

Hi Ecomama,

I am really really sorry that you and your boyfriend 'broke up', are you doing ok after it?

Your 30 rescue animals sound amazing!

I feel a bit overwhelmed, my mum doesn't want me to talk to my dad and she makes conclusions that I will choose my dad because of his money. My dad doesn't want me to talk to my mum and he also makes conclusions that I will choose my mum because I am scared of her and her brother has money. I don't know what to do, I am scared and confused. Yesterday, I spent hours thinking about what I should do.

My suicidal thoughts are happening every day, they are happening more than usual.

I am really sorry you felt really low, but I am glad that ABC 2 helped you. Comedy shows are really good. Not growing up is better than growing up. My younger brother and I always watch cartoons together, they are really fun, childlike and they help distract me from the suicidal thoughts.

Cornflower blue is a nice colour choice for your hair colour!!!!!!!

EM I hope you never grow up!!!! lol

"AGE IS SOMETHING THAT DOESN'T MATTER UNLESS YOU ARE A CHEESE." 😄- LUIS BUNIIEL. “Someday you will be old enough to start reading fairy tales again.” - C.S. Lewis.

The gold statues of Buddha, sound awesome!!!!!!!!!!!!! My brother puts necklaces on the buddha statues too!

We have a buddha statue and a painting inside our home. But we mostly have the paintings of the gurus in our religion, Sikhism.

Sorry, I haven't seen Muslim Mosques before, but the architecture sounds wonderful!

YOUR INDOOR GREEN WALL SOUNDS FABULOUS AND AMAZING!!!!! WOW, THE GARDEN THRONE SOUNDS BEAUTIFUL! How did you get the wire hangers, did you find them in your home?

I hope you feel better. Sending good, positive and healthy vibes and hugs your way.

Warmest wishes,

Your friend,

Neerja