Pressures from friendships, family and school are making me feel so alone.

[hellohi]

Hi,

I feel very alone and I feel nobody wants to hear me. I try to talk to my parents as much as I can about everything stupid to important, but they don’t understand or respect my opinion. They always taunt me and they are never satisfied with whatever I do. I can't talk to them about how I feel. They would never show me their affection, they never hug me, or give me a proper response for my special moments or properly spend time with me. They avoid me. I don't have a strong relationship with anyone.

I know I am very overweight and extremely ugly, I have to put up with it myself every day of my life. I hate the way I walk, talk and I am dumb in everything I do. So many times I have known the answer or have an idea, but I cannot say it out loud in class. I am fine with sharing things with my friends and sometimes other students in my class, but even with them I feel ignored and alone, as I cannot keep up with things going on in their lives, they all have social media and I don’t and they go all travelling and I have never been out the house except to go to school. Or they simply don’t want to talk to me because of my ugly looks and lack of popularity. There are students in my class who everyone respects because they are good-looking not caring how rude they can be, everyone tells me being beautiful in the inside is more important, but no one cares about being kind. I feel so out of place.

I try my hardest to look skinny, I wear clothes that I think will help me do that, I try to keep my things clean and tidy and I try to be nice as much as I can. Nothing works, I always feel the same; alone and stupid. I don’t want any of my friends and family to know about how I feel. But with my parents, my younger brother and my friends ignoring me and making me feel alone, make me think about suicide and I can't sleep during the night or wake up early in the morning.

I don’t feel loved, happy or accepted in the people I am surrounded with.

I feel weak, alone, misunderstood, ugly, sad, confused and a burden on everyone. I feel confused as I got no idea where I want to work. I feel stupid and sad because my grandma has breast cancer and I haven’t seen her, all I have done is make her miserable, I want to talk to her which I can’t do it through a phone call, because at that moment I don’t want to say and I don't know if she wants to talk to me.

Maybe I am overreacting because so many other people go through worse things than me, but this is how I feel

[ecomama]

Dearest Neerja (lol 12 Angry Men with all your love, light and healing thoughts!)

Well today has been far better thankyou. How was your day? Did you see the banana bread recipe lol?

My eldest D phoned and apologised in a very heartfelt manner today. I told her that I saw evil in her face when she said the worst things anyone had ever said to me - they were the worst, even tho others have said similar, but they were the worst because of how much I love her. I asked her where it all came from? Did I do anything at all to warrant such an attack? She said no. She said she probably has some deeply held resentment towards me that she didn't think she had which she wants to work out with a Counsellor one day. I thanked her for her apology.

She invited us all over for dinner lol. Ugh I was nervous but we all went, except for the children working tonight. I could tell she was nervous too but trying to be "normal". I was too.

I'll take that lol.

I bought "The Four Agreements" online. But I would LOVE you to watch anything by Dr Joe Dispenza on Youtube. He's the guy that said theeling and finking lol. I'm reading his You are the Placebo book atm but have his others. I've been lightly chatting with my kids at home about it and about the quantum field. Amazingly my youngest D made up a little bottle of tiny lollies and labelled them 'sleep well tablets' lol!

There is SO FREAKING MUCH research showing how placebos can work JUST as well and sometimes better than ACTUAL medicines. Just by the power of suggestion ie hearing and telling ourselves that this liquid (even water) or 'tablet' (even a lolly) or even no substance just our thoughts, we can heal ourselves.

I want you feel validated Neerja that I HEAR you when you're upset. I want to reach out and give you huge hugs! I'm in a hurry to give you strategies that helped me heal from low feelings / depression. I want you to be lifted up out of those feelings and give you the power and support to know you CAN.

You are such an intelligent young person.

Have you been able to shoot some hoops on your holidays yet?

Love EM

[Padfoot02]

Hi there people of the internet.

I just thought I'd give a little update about my situation with my sister because there has been a movement between us. Yesterday she and I (along with one of our mutual friends) had a conversation about all the shit going on, there was a lot of crying and shouting and all sorts of fun. But we're back to talking to each other and she isn't going to flip me off when I say hi anymore. On another note, my mum asked me what my problem with her was last night. I told her that I was sick of her guilt-tripping me and the unfair treatment between my sister and I, she pulled the whole "I'm sorry you feel this way but..." bs. So after that, I blocked her on messenger because I am just so sick of her playing it off as if she's not. I'm done trying to play her game because there's no winning with her. I told my sister that mum is manipulative and guess what mum asked. "What's this about me being manipulative?". Sister dearest told mum about our conversation, even though I was under the impression it was meant to be a private convo. I'm aware that writing about it online is hypocritical of me, but none of you knows me personally and more than likely never will. I'm not saying that to be rude or anything, I'm just saying that so my brain can chill out and know that what I'm doing is best for myself. I just feel betrayed by my sister. I didn't tell dad about it because I know that she wouldn't want him to know about it, I just thought she would've done the same and kept it from mum.

Anyway, I've rambled on about it enough so imma call it there.

I hope everyone can stay warm during the winter and can stay healthy. Hopefully, someone else can relate to my situation and can find solace in knowing there's someone else out there going through the same thing.

from Padfoot

[hellohi]

Hi Ecomama,

Sorry for the late reply again. Lol, 12 Angry Men. Sorry about that. 🙂

I am really really really really glad that Thursday was far better!

I didn't see the banana bread recipe, sorry. I don't know where it is.

Yesterday wasn't a good day for me and I used KHL yesterday, they asked the "are you having suicidal thoughts?" I don't know why but I lied and said "no". I felt so uncomfortable talking to them about it and telling the truth. Today I woke up pretty late, lol. I helped out my mum clean the house.

These holidays I have been tired out for no reason and having headaches each day. I really wish one day I won't wake up. I am just sick of my life.

I am so glad that your eldest daughter apologised to you and in a more genuine way. I understand why they were the worst. At the end of the day, she really loves you too and you really love her too. Having dinner together was a good idea, it brings this sense of togetherness and care. I really hope that things get completely normal.

I would definitely watch Dr Joe Dispenza on Youtube. Theeling and finking, always makes me smile, lol. You are the Placebo book sounds really good! Do you have a library in your house?

WOW! That is such a good idea, having a bottle with lollies and labelling them 'sleep well tablets'! That is amazing! Your daughter is really creative and caring!

If I have a bottle with lollies, I bet I would eat them all. I overeat a lot when I am stressed, lol.

Placebos do sound amazing! I think it is the matter of how we see things as positive or negative, or, good or bad, or, destructive and uplifting, to essentially heal ourselves and see the light. But experiences, situations, mood and more things impact the way we conclude things are too. I am going to try with the lollies, lol.

I had been taking a break from basketball since last year but Covid-19 extended the break. I haven't played properly for over 6 months. I just can't be bothered anymore, there is no motivation there for me like there used to be. Before I used to love playing at school, after school and for a team and I wouldn't have to force myself. During the last day of school, I forced myself and I did shoot some hoops with my class. I know I sound lazy.

I hope you, your friends and your family are doing well.

How are you and your friend doing?

May each day be bright, full of joy and wellness.

Your friend,

Neerja

Thank you for your kind words and your support

Thank you for being here and being my friend

😊

[ecomama]

Dear Padfoot

Seems like you're going through a lot and it would be wonderful if you could begin your own thread so that members can help you out more on specific things and others reading the forums can benefit.

I'm sure you will benefit and I know they will too.

You're getting there which is great!

Much love EM

[hellohi]

Hi Padfoot,

I am really glad you had a conversion with your sister and back to talking to each other. That is really good!

But it wasn't nice of her to tell your mother about your conversion. As there are some things you can't talk about with some people. I understand why you feel betrayed by your sister.

I am really sorry that your conversation with your mum didn't do well. "I'm sorry you feel this way but..." That is annoying, especially when someone doesn't mean it.

Sometimes it is best to take breaks from people and talk to them when things are a bit calmer.

Sometimes it is good to give inner emotions and thoughts an outlet. I don't think writing it here is hypocritical, as like you said we don't know you outside of these forums.

I hope that things get better and I hope you are doing well and stay warm during the winter too.

Warm wishes,

Neerja

[ecomama]

Dearest Neerja

Thank YOU for being my friend too, it means a lot to me. You mean a lot to me too lol.

Thankyou for the inspiration to use emojis too! Clever girl lol.

Can you see the moon tonight WOW, apparently tomorrow it's a FULL MOON.
Women's energy glowing & flowing through to us.

I'm really glad you called KHL. Were they of SOME help?

I love seeing your joyful words on posts. THIS is the energy that we learn to invoke when we practice it.
You're already doing it!
Sending it & sending it out on repeat is how we lift our energies.

Sleeping is good for you. Our minds & bodies heal during sleep. Plus you are a teenager and need LOTS of sleep! They say about being a parent that when we have a baby, we can't GET them to sleep and when they become a teenager we can't get them to WAKE UP lol.

I woke at 4am and had a pomegranate tea, popped on here and cuddled my dog. Had 2 more hours sleep. Woke up for a while. Then went back to bed till 2pm! IT WAS WONDERFUL.

I also had a headache.

Have you thought about downloading an App that tracks your female cycle and other things like mood, sleep needs etc?

My eldest D has had extremely noticeable ups and downs and when she downloaded the app and used it for a year or so, she could SEE when she would become to be extra irritable, when she had more energy etc and it was exactly aligned to her cycle. She gets horrible headaches too and becomes extra sensitive to smells, light, noise too. Sometimes needs a lot more sleep.

Maybe you understanding this about yourself could help you be kinder to yourself! lol. Well most especially at different times.

You've had a long term and a crazy disruptive and isolated year (we've all had the latter, I know all this contributed to the anxiety and PTSD for me) so let yourself rest.

It's lovely that you helped your mum clean the house. I am moving stuff around wherever I walk atm lol.
We're about to take some boots I cleaned up & some clothes down to a homeless group nearby.
I'm grateful I have a home & warm bed to sleep in every night.
I'm grateful for everything I have including you as my friend.

My brother is coming tomorrow! WOW. He's unscrewing a cupboard & lifting it UP so our NEW FRIDGE can fit in! My first NEW fridge in 30y LOL! My fridge is going to eldest Ds on Tues so I have to defrost & clean it etc.
We are paying an Air Tasker to move it. So grateful.

Matchy's BANANA BREAD is on my Easy Peasy Recipes thread. lol. Can you PLEASE post a recipe?

Love EM

[hellohi]

Hi Ecomama,

I am really sorry for the late reply.

I will try to see the moon today. The moon is so beautiful, it paints the night silver. The moon is like a human, it shows different sides of itself, has a dark side, a neutral side and a light side. But I will have to do it from the window, as my parents won't let me go outside.

KHL was alright I guess. Not that helpful though.

Lol that is so true! "They say about being a parent that when we have a baby, we can't GET them to sleep and when they become a teenager we can't get them to WAKE UP". My younger brother hardly ever sleeps the recommended hours, lol, he spends his time playing with his cars.

Homeschooling was hard but I enjoyed it, as I didn't have to talk to anyone. But I spent every day with weekends doing schoolwork. But it was a good way to distract myself from the suicidal thoughts. But it made it really hard to sleep, I don't know why. Luckily now its school holidays, I am going to rest. I know this sounds weird, when I rest, I have more suicidal thoughts.

WOW, at 4 am! That is early. I have never had pomegranate tea, is it good? How many pets do you have? Your dog sounds really cute! I am glad you had some rest and woke at 2pm, that does sound wonderful! 🙂

I might download the app. But I don't know if my mood is affected by the cycle. I think my mood is dependent on my parents' mood. If they don't yell, compare me, blame, judge me, my mood is ok. But I will try using an app too. Sometimes, my mood is bad for no reason at all. Like yesterday, I spent 2 hours crying for no reason. All those bad memories just kept on coming.

I am really sorry that Covid-19 contributed to your PTSD and anxiety. It has been a really destructive time. I hate hearing about the number of cases and deaths. It is just so sad. Its annoying hearing about how people don't care and turn at non-essential areas and don't even social distance or they think it won't happen to them and put other's lives at risk.

Lol my mum does the same, she is moving stuff around wherever she walks. She hates mess. It really annoys her.

That is really nice and really good that you are giving your things to homeless people. Covid-19 has increased the homelessness rates too, which is really bad.

I am grateful too, to have a home, to have food, water, to go to school, for everything and to have a friend like you too.

Wow, 30 years! I am glad that your brother came! Fridge cleaning is hard, I remember helping my mum do it.

[hellohi]

Oops, I clicked post before finishing it. Sorry.

We can be the Emoji Emperor Group! LOL! 🤣

I would love to post a recipe! I am not good at cooking just like the other stuff. But I have this mango smoothie which I really like and I hope you like it too. 🙂

I have been praying every day for God to take me. I really wish that one day I won't wake up. It will make life so much easier because I won't have a life lol.

How are you going? Are you feeling better? Is your friend denying treatment?

I understand how you feel about your friend, my grandmother has cancer and it can be hard to cope with.

I hope you, your friends and your family are doing well.

May each day be filled with wellness, happiness, laughter, the warmth of the sun, sharing of good cheer and brightness.

Warm wishes,

Your friend

Neerja

[ecomama]

OH HELLO DEAR NEERJA!

My emoji thingy won't work anymore 😞 that's a sad face lol.

Do you know how to fix it? You're a teenager, you must know lol.

Oh darling, big hugs. I remember feeling that way for about 4y when I was very young - too young to marry IMHO anyway. I was in what I would call 'an arranged marriage'. Both sets of parents organized it upon the man's insistence. I knew that if I ran away then I would lose my whole family (stupid thing is that I lost them all later anyway). I felt forced to marry. I hoped he might be kind but he wasn't.

I thought things like you sometimes do.

Then I braved it and left.

Then I became happier.

I've had a wonderful life but there has been a lot of crap lol.

Now I accept that crap happens to everyone in the world. I also know without a doubt in my mind that it too shall pass.

Its HOW I REACT to it that's changed.

I'm sorry that KHL weren't much help.

What can I do and what can WE do to help change your mind?

I LOVE you and it would be the bitterest pill on earth to swallow if something happened to you.

I remember decades ago my favourite cousin, J, was very depressed for years. She's 10y younger than me. The whole family tried to be there for her. No one had any idea what to do. I visited her so often and was kind and understanding, asking her "What can we do?" she just said nothing.

Then one day I just broke down and cried my eyes out, I ended up yelling at her that she mustn't love me at all to do that to herself. How could she want to leave me? Leave us all? Gosh this is making me cry.
I stormed out and walked down the path crying. I said to her "Go ahead, do it" and "I never had a cousin named J if that's what you want". (I was younger please forgive me!)

But she ran after me, crying and promising never to harm herself again. We hugged for the longest time and then she told me all about her problems. We stayed in close contact for another 20y. She's NC now because of my mother.

She had a beautiful baby girl at 41yo!
She left her partner when she was pregnant!

She's doing really well now.

If it helps pretend you're J lol. I would do whatever I could to make sure you're okay.

Love EM

[hellohi]

Hi Ecomama,

Sorry, I don't know how to emoji thingy. But it depends on what type of device you are using, if it is a laptop, I might know. I have to use my laptop to use these forums, as my parents don't check my laptop. If they did find out or read, I will be in big trouble, lol. I will be called "mental" "crazy" and other stuff.

I am deeply sorry you were forced in an arranged marriage also at a young age. The man you got married to was a huge idiot.

My parents were forced in an arranged marriage too.

I am really glad that you left and the way you see situations has changed and is changing. You can overcome the hurdles that come at you, I know that you are courageous and amazing!

It's just I am tired now of trying. I don't see any hope anymore. Each day just feels like a struggle and outside these forums, I am and I feel alone, which makes it tougher. If I did go away, I won't feel anything, life would be easier.

That is actually the first time someone has actually told me that they love me. Thank you Ecomama. 🙂 I love you too, you are like a second mother to me. 🙂 Your kindness and support really mean a lot and I really appreciate it.

I am really sorry that your cousin went through so much. But I am so glad that she had a cousin like you. I am really really really really glad that she promised to never to harm herself again and she opened up to you. Please don't cry.

I understand why you said that stuff because had been concealing all your emotions, thoughts and your pain and showing that you are ok for a very long time. Your mask at that time broke down. But I am so glad that made your cousin realise how much she means to you, to your family and how much you would do to help her out.

I am so happy that she and her daughter are doing well and she bravely left her partner too.

Thank you for being here and being my friend. 🙂 I feel less alone.

I hope you, your friends and family are doing well.

Warm wishes,

Your friend,

Neerja