Over it all all too much

[ktac1689]

I am in such a bad place right now, I know you are not a crisis service and not expecting crisis support. But I am done.

I was going to end my life last week. Stupidly told my therapist when she texted me that morning that I was going to do that. The day ended with me taken to hospital by police and undergoing assessment. I was scheduled but luckily managed to convince someone the next day that I was no longer feeling that way and was allowed to leave with follow up. I should have not have told my therapist what I was going to do. Then police etc would not have known and been chasing me.

I talked to lifeline last night and told them about recent events and plans I have. Thankfully not completely immanent or they would have called police too! But no more police, no more hospital and no more anything. I am tired of putting people through all this and just want to get it all over with. This has been dragging on for so so long and I am tired.

[Croix]

Dear ktac1689~

I'm back in my wing-backed arm chair and Sumo Cat is on his special favorite furry blanket on the sofa beside me. Actually that blanket is a menace, it is exactly the same color as Sumo, might make for a horrible surprise if someone sat on it unsuspecting.

Sum is not an active cat, more dignified and well suited to supervision duties, opening an eye when I bash my keys too hard.

Yes, the wood fire is there , but down smaller at it is getting warmer today

I can see your problem, maybe the barrier will be down in a few days, I don't know, there seems some hope for the end of the month.

I think in your situation I might be revisiting the idea of telehealth again. It is designed for situations like yours and it is more a question of finding the right psych and getting an referral referral rather than any technical problems.

Of course all these setbacks are cumulative and very hard to bear. I managed with help to distract my mind from the difficulty of it all in books -and pets.

May I ask if you have had a pet, or enjoy some pastime that might take your mind away from things for a while?

Croix

[ktac1689]

Hi Croix,

Thank you for your reply. The border will be open to me in 4 days. Sumo sounds lovely but the blanket being the same colour could definitely be an issue lol.

I have 3 cats, 2 gingers and a black and white one and I adore them. They are very sweet boys.

I have plenty of distractions- books, magazines, YouTube and online group I am part of. Still feel alone and lonely and missing family and friends and my usual life.

Yet right now I don’t want to talk to anyone as I feel completely blah and in a funk. I am going on a road trip to run away from everything and just deciding where to go and what to do.

As I said hospital was awful but would have been better with more access to my phone even for the books etc on it to distract me and to be able to text people. Access to shampoo etc would have been nice too. I did meet some good people though.

I envy you your fire and armchair right now, it is windy here and soon to storm.
ktac1689

[ktac1689]

I am in a really bad place right now, to the point where I want to take my own life. I received some news today which made me feel like I really don’t matter much and I never will. I am trying not to think about it right now and don’t want to talk about it here obviously.

My mother said she has no regrets and nothing to be sorry for apparently which makes me feel my childhood trauma means nothing and is maybe even all in my head. There has been so much drama since my Aunty’s funeral and combined with recently getting out of hospital has really sent me spiralling.

I am so tired right now.

[Sophie_M]

Hey ktac1689,

Thanks for keeping us updated on how you've been feeling. We're so sorry to hear that you're in a really bad place at the moment and can hear how painful and upsetting receiving these comments must have been for you. It sounds like these thoughts are really overwhelming at the moment, but please know that no matter how dark things may seem to you right now, they can get better. Our support service is attempting to reach you as we are worried about you. 
 
We'd really urge you to reach out to our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) and the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467) who are available to you anytime, day or night, whenever these feelings become too much to cope with.

We're all here to help you through this, and we hope you continue to check in and let us know how you're going, whenever you feel ready.

[Guest_1643]

Hey Ktac

sounds like have had a lot going on and I can understand feeling tired. I've had a similar incident where the police came to my house to check if I was there ( a call to the hospital emergency dropped out - they couldn't reach me as my phone had died - so they came round to my place and knocked on the door...)... I wasn't there... and was embarrassed. What if my neighbours saw???? What would they think?

Someone said to me that maybe I looked mysterius or they could think it was sommething totally different - you never know....But it can be embarrassing and overwhelming.

I'm sorry you went through that. Hospital helped me too in the end and one aspect you mentiooned - the lovely people - was very special to me too. I liked meeting people who were also struggling and open to getting help. I still do. I think there was a common bond there which is rare.

I just came on your thread because I wanted to be part of what your going through - to listen and to hear you. I can relate to much of what you're sharing and can feel the pain you are in. Please hold on and share with us if you feel able

xxx Sleepy (Vanessa)

[Croix]

Dear ktac1689~

Wanting to kill yourself can come all too often, something a lot of others find hard to understand.

I do not know the details of your childhood trauma, though I can probably guess. I do know that your mother is not acting like a mother should. Instead of being concerned for you she is concerned for herself and says" she has no regrets and nothing to be sorry for"

This is a direct attempt to justify herself and direct blame elsewhere. Unfortunately like so many people before you it makes you wonder -did it happen or am I remembering something that did not? I do not know why this happens, but it does.It's a false thought.

If you can remember any of it then it happened. Full Stop!

Your mother (I noticed the quote marks) sounds like bad medicine, someone to steer clear from as was mine -a toxic personality all her life. We do not chose our parents, more's the pity.

Are you still getting on OK with your sister? It sounded before as she had been a bit of a comfort.

Don't fell like you matter much? No hope that will change? When I've felt that way it has been totally convincing, and I've acted on it. Still here though.

I guess what I've found out afterwards is that my whole world shrunk down to a few horrible facts, things that could not be remedied, and I could not bear them. That was simply wrong, PTSD, depression and aniety had taken over my mind and substituted false thoughts -ones that felt genuine

That is the nature of illness.

The world, all of it from the corner store to a beach in Hawaii, the Eiffel Tower restaurant to ... maybe a fun past time with your sister, or wiht those three puds, all existed just as before and the possibilities were endless. You can do things, make art, be with others, have a partnership... I could go on.

You are worth just as much as anyone, and the fact you were terribly mentally injured in your youth does not change that. I am worth the same.

I've just given Sumo a nudge to wake hm up. He looks cross at me ("you just can't get good staff nowadays") but sends greetings

Croix

[ktac1689]

Hi Sleepy21,

Thank you for your reply and sorry for my slow response - I was back in hospital right unfortunately.

I don’t feel hospital helped at all, I really don’t feel any different but obviously I didn’t say that at the hospital. It was a different hospital this time and I didn’t really connect with anyone although they were generally ok.

I am with my sons which I am happy about but not feeling that positive about anything right now. I have linked in with a GP and my medication has been increased. I don’t feel it has kicked in though. I avoided my sister’s calls today because I just didn’t feel like talking to her. I feel like a mess and lost.
ktac1689

[ktac1689]

Hi Croix,

Sorry for the delay in replying; I was in hospital again and since getting out I haven’t really felt like doing anything.

Yes my mother is extremely toxic and will never change which really makes me sad. What makes me even sadder is that an Aunty that I used to love has sided with my mother which inadvertently says that what happened to my siblings and I is ok and I should just forgive and forget. She has always been one eyed about my mother though so should have been expected.

Both of my sisters picked me up from the hospital which I was so grateful for and they have been checking in with me. I didn’t feel like talking to my sister today though. I am happy to be staying with my sons though, it’s been nice.

I have linked with a GP and am in increased medication but feel more down than I did before. I haven’t said anything to my sons or sisters as I already feel bad with having all this happen so I don’t want to put anything further on them.

I hope you are doing ok Croix, and Sumo.
ktac1689

[Sophie_M]

Hey Ktac1689, welcome back to the Beyond Blue forums. 

We're sorry to hear the hospital wasn't particularly helpful for you. It must have been very disappointing to not have connected with anyone there and leave without feeling you were any better. We're glad to hear you have your son as a company right now and are in contact with a GP. Although you may not feel positive it sounds as though you are still continuing to seek treatment and this is really important in order to find out what works for you. Please remember that support is available to you whenever you need it. The Beyond Blue Support Service is available to contact anytime on 1300 22 4636 or get in touch with us on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST here: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport And in particularly overwhelming moments you can get in touch with our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) or the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467). Great to see you back Ktac. 

[Guest_1643]

hey ktac

a lot of people here care about you - so happy to see your back

I'm sorry the horrible was so bad. I was also back recently and it was not good either, covid really brought down the standards as the staff were not attentive.
I'm glad the people were at least ok, although it's frustrating not to make any connections, as the connections make the time pass a bit easier. I know that sometimes the people in hospital can feel very much like family - and sometimes everyone keeps to themselves or are not friendly.
Sounds nice with ur sons. I'm so sorry you're going through this hard time. And that you didn't feel like the hospital helped. Here fr you