Okay to not be okay.

[Shosh]

Hi,
I am at a point where I have placed myself completely inside an ice-cube. 
When I look back over my very 'interesting' life, I can only shake my head in amazement.

When I really ask myself do I have any regrets, the most clear resounding response is ... Of course! The fact that I was born.

I have had some amazing times throughout my life, but unfortunately that amazingness has lost its shine and now I am in a place of icy nothingness. I don't feel any standout emotion - just a void. It is interesting to be where I am and also very mind-boggling considering the good the bad and the shattered broken ugly that is me. I speak to a GP (but not as much as I need at the moment due to his popularity) but that in itself is a burden because I feel that he can't really help me - like anyone he can offer suggestions but any decision is ultimately mine - and I am so over trying to fix what can't be fixed. 

Time can't be turned back and time definitely does not heal.

So where to now?

[Croix]

Dear Shoosh~

Welcome back, I've read not only what you have said but also the responses you have been offered whihc are sensible but not a 'good fit' at the moment, though might assist later.

I'm sure you know how deep was the mental wound you suffered when young and you have managed to 'paper over' it with a life include hanging 8 children - (you are braver than me in that  respect:)

Now that paper has started to come away and your have all the sensitivity and hurt again. The group therapy was a disaster, not necessarily a predictable one, but a disaster nevertheless. Given all you have experienced it is no wonder you wish you were never born.

Seeing your GP wil no doubt let you know there are people of good intent, though without the skill to significantly assist -a depressing thought in itself.

I'm sure many will have tried to comfort you by saying 'time cures'. Frankly I've only found a little truth in that , it is new experience that makes a difference. in the same way group therapy sent you down in a spiral, positive or enjoyable experiences - which may have nothing to to do with therapy or your past - have the potential to do the opposite and lift. True one experience will not 'fix' things, but as they accumulate recovery to a livable level with periods of happiness might be possible

It is not possible to see the future, which is both good and bad. As an example on one occasion I was all prepared to take my life as I as living in hopelessness, however something happened that made me see I did not know everything in the world and that stopped me. As it turned out that feeling was correct, and now my life is precious (I'd not have believed that at the time)

So what can you get from my answer here? Firstly another person understands that your therapy and people's understanding  has not met your needs

Also at least one person has been lucky.

You talked of a toolbox of items that do not help. I had a similar set of ineffective techniques. I went on a medication trial whihc has extended over many years and have found the new med has enabled me to use some of those tools effectively.

What influences you in the future does not depend on what has done so in the past, it is perfectly possible to enjoy thngs (even a comedian on YouTube) -and that really helps.

It you would like to keep on talking I'd welcome it

Croix

[Shosh]

hi Croix

Thanks for your reply.  Probably the most relatable one I have read but still I find myself living in my ice-cube. It feels really safe (i.e. 'nothing') atm. 

I wasn't going to keep the conversation going, because I really see myself as someone beyond reach. Also because I don't know if I like the idea of anybody/everybody reading what I say - I can't even have a conversation with myself in my head! And I have so much baggage dragging me down down down all the time.

I had a GP for 25 years and although we talked about my mental state quite a lot, (even to me telling her my last-ditch plan) I never really opened up to her about the root cause of why I was where I was at. She has sadly passed away, but in the last few years of our GP/client relationship, she put me on to a psychologist who specialised in exactly what I needed - or so I thought. She too was really good but as always is my experience all good things come to an end and only the rubbish remains. I have come to the realisation that I just don't know  how to verbalise what I am feeling. The feelings of shame and brokenness and damage and fear are just too powerful. And the initial experience still poisons every aspect of my life. So, even though I am thankful to have a current GP who is happy to talk with me (or so he says! Time will tell - or not.) I really don't know where or how to start. I know that I just want to unburden myself because time is a tickin'....

I sort of don't expect you to keep talking with me, and I am okay with that - I am a lost cause. But thanks for taking the time to reply.

I am actually a bit disappointed with a lack of response from others - but again, it is pretty much in par with my whole messed up self - what I deserve.

[Croix]

Dear Shosh~

I'm please you have come back and that there must have been something in what I said that made you want to reply.

There seem to be two things you talk of in your posts, the efforts you have made, with times spent by clinicians as well tryingto assist you, and a feeling you mention about being deserving - or not.

I'm not all that surprised you have not improved a lot -some people might respond to the help offered, others do not. One size does not fit all.

The reason  say this is I found trying to undersgtand, dissect and become tolerant to the past simply made matters worse, bringing out all the old feelings all over again, biting just as hard now as before

Trying to heal an injury head-on did not suit me. A sideways approach did help. As a example I was in a psych ward and it was horrible, mainly becuse I felt sorry for the plight of others  there, and also becuse my 'therapy' was like prodding an aching tooth.

One very kind psych nurse went to his home and came back with a pile of fantasy books and I spent the rest of my stay reading them and becoming lost in a different world, one where good triumphed, and villains got their just deserts.

I was discharged having benefited marked, despite treatment, due party to isolation from everyday life and partly by having discovered that there are people in this world who produce work that is so far removed from my grim and suicidal symptoms of PTSD, depression and anxiety as to give me encouragement - the world had people with gentle and amusing imaginations.

Plus people like that psych nurse who went above and beyond duty and was wise enough to see an alternative to what I was experiencing was needed.

I've found it very hard to distinguish between thoughts that are genuinely my own and those sneaked in by depression and anxiety. To me they seem all my own, and here I'm mistaken. Many are not my thoughts at all but well known symptoms

I don't suppose simply telling you that thoughts of unworthiness are not yours, but actually generated by the injury is going to cut any ice (you are after all in an ice-cube:), nevertheless I found mine were untrue, I was indeed worthy and deserving and the fact that psych nurse went to so much trouble for me confirms it. I was not  a write-off.

I'm not suggesting you give up on clinicians, however I tend to see mine as a  train, powerful but following tracks to get to the objective, and what I often need is to go sailing instead and reach the objective in an entirely different way. If I'm upset after a session or had an unpleasant expereince I'd read part of a favorite book, and the hurt is soothed.

Now I'm not suggesting that books are the answer for you, everyone is different, and everyone goes sailing in a different way - please have a think what some of your  ways might be.

This Forum is full of the terrible experiences so many people have, and in an effort to provide a contrast I'd suggest skimming though:

Store Your Happy Memories Here

Plenty to chose from, in time you may wish to contribute, have a read and try to forget the earnest side of life for a little while

(I'll keep on talking with you as long as you wish)

Croix

[Shosh]

hi Croix

again, thanks.

weird as it may seem, i feel like actually verbalizing some of my experiences is where I think that i will benefit the most. i have never talked about the nitty gritty - so possibly have not let others in and until i figure out the key and unlock myself anything is going to be a waste. so at the moment i am not letting myself think about the conversations i need to have with someone. 

i have chosen professional medical help - in the form of my gp - my gut instinct is that i can trust this guy. he has the same values that i have and i know that he is not scared to say what he thinks. i on the other hand have always previously censored/scripted my conversations - that hasn't worked so this time i am just going to talk and see how much i can get out before i start shutting down. it's going to be hard but that's a given. 

i do get confused when i read about my thoughts vs thoughts snuck in by depression and all the other black headspace. i don't understand how thoughts in your brain can be anyone's thoughts but yours. i don't blame depression etc for where i am at - i blame myself - specifically my 9-yr-old self. and interestingly, i have absolutely forgiven the perps. when i try to work on that it just does my head in. 

anyway i don't want to go into too much detail - i am a very private  (locked-in/screwed up/broken/shattered) person buried alive in shame and self-loathing.

[Croix]

Dear Shosh~

I'm glad you are going to unburden to someone, and your description of your GP makes it a good choice. If so far you have not given the full picture then the chances are you would have been treated for what you said, not what you need.

You are not alone in being reticent, I was over suicidality for a very long time, telling nobody, which simply meant things got worse.

Trying to give a clear logical account of what happened can be hard in a face to face situation, where things can easily get sidetracked or go off in the wrong direction -plus things can be forgotten. In my case omission were also due to embarrassment and fright of consequences.

I found taking a couple of days to write everything down in simple point form seems to have worked well. The clinicians have seem pleased to have a list to work from and I've only had to give minimal explanations.

As for thoughts. Self blame, hopelessness and lack of motivation are all symptoms, not character flaws and are caused by illness, they are not part of the real you any more than they were for me.

If you would like to talk some more I'd me interested so see how you go

Croix

[Shosh]

Hi again Croix.

Well I have decided to not continue on this site. Other than yourself response from others with similar experience has been absolutely nothing. I am not surprised at all - it is my ongoing experience of alone loneliness. So thankyou for your time and effort. I hope that things move in a positive direction for your journey. 

[Croix]

Dear Shosh~

Well I am sorry to see you go, as I had the feeling we had a bit in common and you might  have felt less alone. Although nobody else answered this thread it does not mean they are not on the forum, just need seeking out. There are so many threads things easily get overlooked.

I thank you for you good wishes, and yes things have improved greatly, I wish the same for you.

As far as disclosing your childhood experiences to your husband I don't know him -obviosly- however you might be surprised at the reaction, and that may depend upon how he gets to know

It may not be in the least a case of not trusting him but that you simply could not say for other reasons. If you think it better why not get your GP to explain it to him, emphasizing the bad feelings about yourself you have had all these years. and the trust he has generated over the years htat allows his being told now

Provided he understands this is not a matter of logic, but a mental state that prohibits disclosure -and he is privileged you felt able to have him told, then he may rise to the occasion and try to find out how to be supportive. All this of course is a guess -a possibility. I was most reluctant to tell my partner (or anyone else) and this went on for many years . Fortunately she understood.

None of us can see the future, all I suggest is to consider before closing doors. While I think of it the Blue Knot Foundation (my apologies if you have already been there) might have some advice

Even if you do not feel like returning at the moment you will always be welcome.

Croix