I didnt think i would be back here

[Guest_43109705]

Tw self harm and alcohol 

Overall, i've been better recently, lifes mostly been moving forward and things have just been better. But i still find myself falling back on bad habits on every bad day or mistake or anything that feels a little too much. I'm 17 and in year twelve, externals are stressful but that stress on top of external factors like friends, family, my future, transition to adulthood and other pointless stressors are causing my brain to crumple. self harm wise i was doing really good for a while, coming from a place were i was harming everyday and too afraid to break the cycle for being clean for over a month at a time. but now ive started more regularly again. when things started getting harder to cope with more consistently i tried to turn towards other coping mechanisms because well its getting hotter, i hate feeling ashamed of what i do to my skin and other people tend not to worry about things they cant see. So i started drinking more then the occasional time out with my friends. not everyday but every few, usually not enough to get me drunk but just something that can dull my head while i can fall asleep without worries. my parents keep spirits and gin in the top of our pantry and i've just been taking a huge mouthful at a time, ocassionally more then five. I hate to admit that i love they way it makes me feel so heavy and light at the same time and i keep finding myself more and more consumed by the thought of just having a drink to relax a bit. Alcohol abuse runs in my family. i've always been told i need to be careful and i definently am not at a point where i would consider myself an alcoholic, but i'm afraid im going down that road. i kept telling myself this is the last time and the last time, one where i drank quite a bit more then i would usually was almost two weeks ago and i havent since. but i still keep thinking about it and now i've made myself stop till after my second last exam, ive started self harming more regularly. drinking feels so easy, so invisible. but soon enough my parents will notice the near empty bottles in the cupboard. i dont want to end up where my fate and genetics are dragging me, but it feels so easy. i keep thinking a couple drinks on occassion is fine, and it is. but its the insentive around it that i know is wrong. in the evening, by myself, just to quiet my head and cope. i'm just moving from one unhealthy coping mechanism to another and i dont know how to stop it.

[therising]

The warmest of welcomes to you at a time in your life that sounds incredibly challenging in so many different ways. If year 12 is not stressful enough, add a whole number of other factors to the mix and the overwhelm is understandable.

As a 54yo gal, it wasn't until the last handful of years that I hit on the revelation 'Guides in life are an absolute must at certain times'. It can be hard to live without them. The question can become 'What type of guide or guidance do I need, based on my circumstances?'. There can be a variety, such as ones that come from the angle of personal experience, ones that have an education in certain fields of expertise, ones that are highly intuitive and can easily see the way forward and the list goes on. Then, to be frank, there are guides that can take us in the wrong direction and ones that lead us to remain at a standstill. Comments like 'You'll be right' or 'Stop stressing so much' don't take us anywhere. They're another way of saying 'Stay where you are and just cope'. Btw, feeling our self not moving forward or evolving in any way can become depressing.

Can you get a sense of what type of guidance you're after? If not, that's okay. Sometimes the challenge or challenges we face aren't all that obvious to begin with. Sometimes it can be more so about managing how we feel. Sometimes our ability to feel can be the greatest challenge of all. For a deeply feeling or sensitive person, someone who can sense easily, there can be many challenges. From how to turn the volume down on what we're sensing through to how to gain a better sense of things, it may be fair to say 'No one has ever taught me how to feel or sense in really constructive ways'. Being someone who relied on alcohol for a number of years, as a sedative and a stimulant (depending on the situation), I can relate to what it offers. I can also relate to the down side of drinking and there's definitely a down side. While it can block stressful and/or depressing inner dialogue, it can also block certain inner dialogue we need to hear in order to move forward. While it can stop the feeling of stress and/or put us on a high when need be, it can also stop us from developing the skills needed to naturally manage stress and/or find natural highs (life skills). Alcohol can also block intuition, a natural sense of guidance. This is all something I found, based on personal experience.

Wondering what kind of guides your parents are, for a start. If one of both are generally pretty good at offering guidance, could part of the problem involve them not knowing you're in serious need of direction and support? If so, are you able to open a conversation when it comes to how stressed you are and how lost you feel?