Not coping

[KellKell07]

I’m 50 yrs old and currently suffering badly with depression. I am on medication, and it was increased a few weeks ago but I don’t think it’s making a difference. I feel a ball of anxiety in my chest all the time, I hear a voice in my head reminding me how worthless I am. I can’t talk to my family as they don’t really understand it. I don’t have anyone else to talk too, maybe some work friends but no one close. I feel that I don’t need to be here anymore - I’m tired, so very sad, lonely and depressed - I don’t think I can fight it much longer. I am safe tonight I think but it’s like an urge to end it as I feel everyone will be better off anyway. I don’t know what to do 😞

[Sophie_M]

Hi there, 

Thank you for your bravery and openness in sharing here. It sounds like you’re going through a really difficult time, and we can hear your situation is really having an impact on how you’re feeling day-to-day.

We’re sorry to hear you couldn’t talk through these feelings with friends or family – it must be really hard feeling like they won't understand. It sounds like you could really do with a discussion with someone who is able to be a bit more supportive. We’re reaching out to you privately to check you’re ok. In the meantime, we’d really encourage you to give our counsellors a call on the Beyond Blue Support Service. We are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636, and the team are really good at talking people through moments like this and working out options for more support. 

If you’re feeling suicidal or are having thoughts about harming yourself, it's important that you take immediate steps to keep safe. If you feel unable to keep yourself from acting on your thoughts about suicide or self-harm this is an emergency, and you need to call 000 (triple zero).

It also sounds like the Beyond Now suicide safety planning app may be a helpful resource. You can even call Lifeline on 13 11 14 and compete it together with one of their counsellors over the phone.

Our community is here for you, and we’re sure they’ll spot your post soon enough and have some kind words and understanding for you. We're sure they'd be interested to hear if safety planning is something that's been helpful to you?

We hope that you find our forums to be a safe and supportive space to talk through your thoughts and feelings.

Kind regards,

Sophie M

[BeautifulHorse]

I'm sorry to hear that you are feeling so down. It can feel so difficult when something doesn't seem to be working, and doubly so when you don't feel like you can talk to anyone close to you. I know from experience than anxiety and depression can be a terrible fog that can can seem inescapable. 

Hold on to hope. You've reached out, which is a sign of strength. Is there anything you like to do that helps you escape? Music, a warm bath, a gentle walk, or even just looking out the window? Can you create a plan for tomorrow? 

You're not alone. Many people know what you're going through, and you're valued much more than you will ever know. I hope you're feeling better soon.

[Rebecca-b]

Hi KellKell07, I read your post and I trully feel for you and I hope you get through this soon, please don't give up.

[therising]

Hi KellKell07

My heart goes out to you as you try so hard to work out what you need to do in order to make a difference that you can really feel.

Having dealt with depressions for some decades (I'm a 52yo gal), I've come to see a depression as being like a well in a way, some deep thing that can have us on the brink one day and in the depths another. Rock bottom has a definite feel to it, that's for sure. Getting out is tricky to say the least. You can have people standing at the top calling down 'Do more exercise, eat better, stop dwelling/over analysing...' and the list goes on along with the old familiar mantras of 'You'll be right' or 'You just need to smile more' not helping. Being in a depression at the moment, I can say what I really want, what I need most is 1) an easy to achieve list of instructions on how to get out, 2) a torch (some revelation or relatable form of enlightenment that facilitates greater clarity) and 3) a ladder of some kind for the step by step process of coming up and out, with each wrung providing a sense of achievement I can really feel. It's so tough when the only thing you can feel is where you are and not much other than that.

Might sound strange but it took me a long time to work out I have the ability to feel what's depressing, an ability the definitely feels like a curse at times. Over the years, I've felt the depressing nature of sleep apnea, the depressing nature of a serious B12 deficiency, the depressing nature of a marriage that's failing due to a partner who often refuses to change through challenges that push for some form of constructive evolution, the depressing nature of feeling thoroughly drained with just enough energy to keep my body alive (flat battery mode), the depressing nature of feeling completely and utterly lost (standing alone at crossroads in tears, not knowing which way to go) and the list goes on. All are obvious in hindsight. At the time each depressing factor took place, I had no idea exactly what it was I was feeling.

From a soulful perspective, if feelings are our compass, you can feel what 'heading south' feels like or what standing still for too long feels like. I wish someone would knock on our front door today KellKell to announce 'Let's go north. I'll show you the way'. Finding/feeling our 'north' remains our challenge.