New here and depressed

[Guest_0682]

Hi,

don’t know how this will go.

But here it is!

Most of my 64 years of live I was trying finding out the source of pain, many of my peers and family and friends go through. I stood beside with help and encouragement and on many occasion things eased or disappeared.
Now after a series of tragic events in the last two years I found my self in an increasingly deeper hole. The thing I would know to do I can not perform. And the things I don’t want to do I find myself caught in it’s claws. Unable to free myself from these accusation against myself and others. I lost all interests in all things. I don’t have a will to live anymore and find myself constantly devising plans to end my live and make it look like an accident. For what should my loved ones bare any of it.

[Guest_0682]

Hi, Mam Chris and mm Mekitty.
I really appreciate you openness!

I totally relate to being vigilant and hyper reactive. Responding is the hardest thing to do in the moment. I found most people are not able to comprehend someone else’s struggle. I get that and accept it. I just get very edge when I am bombarded with good advise and sympathy or worst if I am lorded over, when I just want to share how I feel. Because it helps me to work through it. I was looking with mixed feelings towards this forum. I thought at least it’s anonymous, I don’t know anyone and if the wisecracks appear as usual I am out of here. But I am cautiously optimistic for now. I am not used to understanding people around me who talk from experience. I lived my life as an outsider. Well able to work in the system and even be successful as the system judges, but never belong to it. What gets me down is, and I must be honest to myself, is the expectation I put on things and people including myself. When things start out ok an go along sometimes for a long time and everything seams normal with the usual ups and downs. Than all of a sudden things just blow up, out of the blue it seems. That might be an external explosion but mostly is an internal one. I than start looking for the expectation I have held I didn’t even know I did. I always find it and gulp. What comes next is the bottomless Pitt I fall into. I now ( again) realise that it was I who put the expectation there and it is only I who can release them. But instead of just letting go I struggle. I don’t want to let them, or me of the hock, I am angry and carry all emotion like on a roller coaster. And here it comes the realisation, I know all that and are still incapable to handle it and respond rather than react and so suffer needlessly. Than I hit the bottom of that hole and feel like I am a complete failure and just won’t to get out of here. I struggle with my inability to let go and forgive. But I also have the experience of coming to that place of letting go and forgive. And I am fine - til next time when I’ve seemingly have to learn all as new and start all over again. And that burden of never really learning from the past is a hard thing to carry. I have not yet completely been able to master that. But I am closer than yesterday.

[Mum Chris]

Hi motz

Can I say you post moved up and down through my emotions. To be among friends even though we are not visible or tangible we are. We are. The up and down of your post moved me and I feel that you are connecting and not feeling as an outsider.
Its shit what we deal with either we are born with it or the change is inflicted on us does not matter. Our struggle and the destructive pain is real. No suck it up here. Our rhythm is ours.
What I need is to change my reactions. I am working towards stopping my bad thinking. Others can be bad but. The future. What does that look like. For me I have little understanding. I need a new future not tethered to the crap old life.
MC.

[geoff]

Hello Mun Chris, if you are hyper vigilant and hyper reactive could mean that you aren't totally healed, remember we all have our own thoughts and not everyone is going to agree with us and us with them, and who is to say their thoughts are right and not uses, there may be many other different situations that affect your decision, whereas with them these don't happen and that's why you've said what you think, good on you for having the strength to do this because they don't know of the other circumstances.

You say you have put your husband through hell, yet he obviously loves you because he's booked a cruise.

Remember everything may be going the right way, but this doesn't necessarily mean you won't be affected by some type of depression, so please look after yourself, we are here for you.

Take care.

Geoff.

[geoff]

Hello Motz, depression can still come to the wisest or the most brilliant person on earth and it can definitely make them feel as though nothing is significant enough to want to change, I've been through this hell on and off for many years and know what it can do.

To be able to let go and forgive may not be easy, I understand that, because many years ago, I still hold events that happened, that keep reminding me of occasions that I will never forget, but these will never be rectified, and if I let these dominate my life, then I wouldn't be where I am today.

I was conned by a BIL out of $k's which will never be repaid and now my life is different, sure I can still think of what happened, but I can't allow this to dominant my life, back in my depression days it was another factor keeping there, now it's not.

Take care.

Geoff.

[Guest_0682]

Hi to all!

I want to speak to all in this group because I see us as one, if you don’t mind.

I don’t know if being here is really good for me. Having a break from work doesn’t help either. I am having to deal with stuff I want to but it throws me around like a flag in the wind. Being aware and open to the cause of my personal condition and finding it, in some corners of my psyche, impossible to make progress and that only enforces the anxiety and depression. And the thoughts sway towards exit again. Can one be fully cured ? I don’t think so. If I can find joy and can live happy as the crack(t) pot that I am, I think I am doing well. If I bring joy and hope to others, I think I have reached the pinnacle.
And I can see by the number of posts of some, it is an ongoing thing. I think all we want to do here is voice our feelings and share our life and perhaps be understood. Well that is my motivation anyway. Perhaps a way of life.
Today I just feel into another hole. I think not the same but another. It is not nice hmm! But I might be on to something I can see but to scared and tired to tackle yet. Tomorrow I go back to work my safety plan in a way.
I’ll be posting less frequently I guess but I will load it instead. I hope you can put up with me. I know I can be intense and very straight. Please don’t be offended by my babbling. And may I say I love you all. You give me hope and encouragement. Thanks

[mmMekitty]

Hello Motz,

I'm glad you have been able to explore some of your thoughts & feelings with us here. You are more than welcome to come & go from BB as you feel comfortable to do. I wish you well & would be happy seeing you around when you want.

😸mmMekitty

[Guest_0682]

Like I had a suspicion last week after getting out of my familiar hole.

I now found an even bigger one. It’s the old dog from my childhood again. I don’t know how to express it without coming across as fishing for sympathy. I’ll put it in very short terms. My earliest memory’s are one of not being wanted. The fifth wheel on the wagon. Rejection is the dogs name.
Nightmares of being locked out of my family marked my childhood. Now that feeling and thought is being multiplied in the hear and now. There isn’t a person I can talk to face to face over a cuppa. The Homefront is one of ‘you are the problem - go and get fixed !’ But it’s exactly that which stirs up the old dog. Only now I have no energy to run or fight and suicidal thoughts are 24/7. I really see no reason the get motivated by anything. All is so pointless. Work is the only thing keeps my stinking thinking away and even that I don’t enjoy anymore. I am not a wise or smart person. That must be obvious by now. I am an educated and learned person, in practice and by education. But it is that which makes me realise how incapable I am of living. There isn’t an advise I haven’t thought of myself and one I wouldn’t give mental consent to. It’s turning it into practice is what I am really not capable of for more than two weeks or so. My default setting, my self destructing thinking is not moving. And in the process I seam to be at fault at other people problems too. What a wretched man that am I ! Who will rescue me? I am writing these things down and it helps me for a while. This is new to me.
And if I lay my eye on the the unimaginable suffering people go through just watching the daily news, I can’t help thinking that my complaining takes place on a very high level of living.

[Guest_0682]

Hi all,

I’ve had a better night last night.

I didn’t wake up wanting to kill myself for a change. I find it so hard to escape my stinking thinking. I’ve read quite a number of treads yesterday and that make me realise there are not a lot of men postings. And also most lovely people have some mental support like a psych or so. But when I am reading the horrible experience some of you have with the mental health professionals that makes me think twice about approaching help. I am a black and white person and get straight to the issues. I am not good at small talk although I talk a lot given the opportunity. Also I have a great hesitancy taking advice from someone who has not waked the walk. I find compassion comes from being able to identify with what someone is going through. Or how can you describe how a banana taste to someone who never had one? But I don’t dismiss the learned knowledge the professionals have and think they are doing there best to help. I am not questioning that. I am 65 years old and have somehow managed to get here. I am not seeking advise as much as just wanting to be understood. But that has not been the case for all my life. And therefore perhaps I feel like a real ill fit a outcast on a personal level. Professionally its quite the opposite. As a builder I have gotten many awards and people praise my work, which I don’t like very much. I am not a respecter of person at all. I can’t stand status and pride. But on a personal level as the builder talk would say, I am a brick! I am quick to say things how I see it and that is not very diplomatic. I know that but I can’t seem to think outside how I see right and wrong. Now nearing the end of my professional life I am fearful the only thing where I could escape my horrible thoughts is not going to be there. And I am not at all afraid of change as long as I know what I am changing in to. But that is a complete blank for me now. The fact that I can’t get motivated to do anything doesn’t help I guess. I am shutting down and isolating myself more than I ever have. Reaching out here is a real struggle for me and I am not confident that I can continue much longer. I read what others are going through and can identify but I feel I am not qualified to comment on anything anymore. I don’t manage my own life how can I speak into someone else life.

[Mum Chris]

Hi

im glad you are having a better time. This is a good place to download your negative thoughts and feelings and hopefully you will be able to read and get some insight.
My experience is you get what you pay for unless you are super lucky when it comes to medical help. I gave up and now am paying for good psychologist. That doesn’t mean the free or less costly are not good but like you I have no time to mess around. I want real answers and help. Not talk therapy I have talked enough I want solutions. I’m told that it requires work and training and I start this training next week. He says like muscles memory I have built up emotions memory and I need to retrain my mind so that my emotions learn new ways to respond.
I think tiredness gets me and the constant barrage of rubbish has crushed me and I have no more energy to fight And I was at my end but now I want more. I’ve locked the door to some people and opened the door to others. I’m trying to protect myself and put me first.
You can always post a response even if it’s yes I feel like this too. It’s very heartwarming to know I’m not the only cracked vessel around. I can tell loved ones what I’m thinking and they freak out but on here I get yes we get you

MC

[Guest_0682]

Hi Chris,

thanks for your reply. I hear you. Rejection is an awful thing. It can come at any time in life. Sometimes in your childhood and sometimes now. And it’s only effecting me when people, I think should like or accept or even agree with me, start attacking me with apparently no reason. I find it all depends how they hear and interpret what I say or write. NEVER do they ask WHY but instead judge me according to how they think what I mean. This has plaques me from my earliest childhood. In my case ist was my older brother whom I looked up to but he never wanted to have anything to do with me. So I tried hard for him to like me all my live. He is my brother after all. But the more I tried the worst it got. I thought I had dealt with it a long time ago. And even though we had a distant relationship we had communications. But the last blow up effected me so severely that I could not function at all. Emotionally I was completely shipwrecked. In my late teen and early twenties I studied sociology, not to become a psychologist but rather to analyse who I am and what makes me tick. I found out I suffer from rejection more than most people and react differently. (fight or flight) I always chose fight. And people saw me as a strong person but I am not! On the contrary. I can hide well. Even criticism I would see as attack and rejection. I could see it all but could not find a way to deal with it. Only last week when I read back in old text books. I read about rejection sensitivity RS again. When suddenly I could see myself described in it to the dot. This was a great relive because I could see my brothers rejection, the root of my RS was not my fault contrary to my emotional belief. I can even talk about it now. And just like you the journey of changing the way I think can begin again. I am also having to cut ties with people who are harmful to my psyche. Not because of there action or by hate but for my sake. I have to put myself in a protective realm emotionally to survive. And one day perhaps to thrive. For me to change anything I must know the root of it. Only took me 65 year to find that problems root. Neither fight nor flight does me any good only confrontation with myself is gain for me. But it bloody hurts like crap! But like you I have no energy left right now. So I just take it slowly.