New here and depressed

[Guest_0682]

Hi,

don’t know how this will go.

But here it is!

Most of my 64 years of live I was trying finding out the source of pain, many of my peers and family and friends go through. I stood beside with help and encouragement and on many occasion things eased or disappeared.
Now after a series of tragic events in the last two years I found my self in an increasingly deeper hole. The thing I would know to do I can not perform. And the things I don’t want to do I find myself caught in it’s claws. Unable to free myself from these accusation against myself and others. I lost all interests in all things. I don’t have a will to live anymore and find myself constantly devising plans to end my live and make it look like an accident. For what should my loved ones bare any of it.

[mmMekitty]

The character count got the bettr of me yesterday.

I also wanted to speak a little about the allure of 'beam me up Scotty'. I do know about that feeling, the longing even. It can be very strong indeed.

Right at the start of your thread, you mention you hav thought how your family & friends would feel,& indicated you would want to spare them feelings of guilt or responsibility. It seems to me you are all important to each other, & therefore need each other.

If this is what you need to see you through the times when 'beam me up Scotty' seems ideal, then you have a way to answer those darkest feelings. You can say, "I'm needed here. I don't abandon my family & friends." Not for anything.

I'm reconnecting with my sis, & I see how warm & open she is, how she cares & want to help me as much as she can. I am realising I could not now, no matter how sensible I might think in a bleak moment it would be,I could not leave her now. I've seen too many times how difficult it is for families & friends to lose someone in the way you allude to. I see now how devastating it would be.

You know. when you are in the hole, your mind is not fuctioning to its best ability, so don't trust it. Trust what yu know when things are not so bad.

I was thinking, too, just for the sake of doing something which would harm nothing , with the scenarios running in your head. Write them down, fictionise them, make dark poems of them, paintings if you are inclined, work through them . I mean, think about the aftermath.

It's a challenging exercise to think of what might be in the event of acting on any of the ideas you've had. I've tried to, & truly, I haven't written to the end. Irealise, mostly too many flaws in my imagining. Or I simply couldn't do what I imagined. In the end, I had released much of the emotion & had felt better, like I could put that aside, & not be so preoccupied with it.

I hope that covers what I wanted today, that it does makes sense, helps some, & gives you another option or two.

Warm regards, 😸

mmMekitty

[Mum Chris]

Hi Motz

I have read your post and think I have a feeling about where you are finding yourself. You mentioned some blows and trouble you have had and now you find yourself struggling to see a point of continuing and struggling. If I’m correct you have previously overcome personal struggles and where able to help others and be there and be a support. Is this correct paraphrasing?
I dragged myself back on this forum after implementing my plan and luckily unsuccessfully.

I had done the work and overcome sooo much and had encouraged others and supported etc. I was strong successful and had built a life and family and one of my family decided to destroy my life and inflict so much hatred and condemnation on me that I shrank. I am lucky I have the support of my husband and I have a small group of family and friends that I have slowly told of my pain that care about me.

My husband saved my life. He pushed me to get help and after many missteps I think I have now found a psychologist that can help me. I’ve been diagnosed wth complex ptsd and it’s a relief to finally know it’s not my weakness that has put me here. It’s my illness. My illness tells me terrible things about me and lies to me. Wrapping me in negative thoughts till I can’t get out. I’m getting treatment and the prognosis is good. I did come on here and all I wanted was a magic wand wave it and your happy wave it and bad stuff stops happening.

If I can encourage you to reach out and find a counselor or psychologist get a diagnosis if you haven’t already and engage in therapy. I’m moving towards EMDR therapy but I’m too fragile to do that yet evidently. I had been told previously I had anxiety or depression but that really didn’t fit.
I didn’t want to do anything long term or put in anymore work on mental health I had done that previously why bother again. I can see that I had hardened myself up and moved on so when a tidal wave hit me it got all uncovered and became real again.
I would listen to the wife get help and stop planning your exit.

I hope I don’t come off preachy or nagging I’m in a bit of turmoil Christmas and new year’s a rough time for me.

All the best Mum Chris (MC)

[Guest_0682]

And that is the only Anker I have, being the thought about the ones left behind having to pick up the pieces. It’s not ever that I struggle to end my life, I am not afraid of dead on the contrary. My struggle is to stay alive. And the overwhelming reason to go on, is the ones who love me. I can not be that selfish. Saying that I do enjoy life as a whole, which is fortunately the majority of time. It is when the bottom opens up, seemingly unexpected and the life’s meaning grows strangely dim when I had enough and don’t want to and feel I can’t go on. And that is playing out on the emotional level. My rational mind says, don’t worry this too will pass. And so far it has.
It looks like you are a person who can work with plans and strategies etc. You might have a structured mindset to do what you want to do. Me on the other hand are completely useless following rules and regulation. I would not know how to do that. I have a very fluid mind. Like, if I made up my mind to do something I just get started with what I got and change and adapt any way needed to achieve what I want. I can never say how I do things to far ahead but are confident I can finish what I started. That is on a material level though.
But if I really look at my life and want to be honest to myself I have perhaps found the root of my inner problem. For me it’s expectation I believe. The more severe knocks in my life have a trigger and that is in most cases people. The closer I am to someone and the more I care about someone, the bigger the blow. They them self are often not aware of the abverlange the have released because it all plays in my mind I believe. Whenever I now feel the hurt I start looking for the expectation who have been dashed. I always find them and realise I put it there. (Rightly or wrong doesn't matter) The real struggle starts with dismantling it. The bigger the hurt the harder it is. But the good news is, if I put it there than I can take it away. In fact only I can I believe. And here is the battleground for me. Because I don’t want to let them of the hook. And ‘them’ often includes me too. Writing about it helps me as I discover here. It makes things more clear and I can perhaps let it go more easily.
thanks for listening

[Guest_0682]

Thanks for that,

yep my last really big one cam out the the sibling quarters. And I am too familiar which what you touch on.
In my previous posting I mentioned my inability to follow instructions. Is’s not a problem or a fault of mine, it just how I am wired I think. I have a very creative thought process, rules and suggestions of what and how to do, are very strange to me. I need to see and experience in order to compute. I learn by hearing and observing other people’s experiences and can in that way make sense of it as I can find myself in it. But, and this might sound contrary to what I just said, all I do is work with plans and strategies. It’s just that they are fluid changing and adapting as I go along.
We are all so different in our personal psyche. What works for one doesn’t work for another. But by sharing our story we are all helping each other changing our own life’s.
got to go now 🤗

[mmMekitty]

Hello Motz,

Wanting to wish you a Happy New Year. 😸

& I'd like to ask you about your new avatar. My eyesight is really poor, & even zooming very large, I can't make out what is in your picture. Do you have a story behind the choice of this image?

mmMekitty

[Guest_0682]

It is a painting from Salvator Dali. A artist from the early 29th century in Spain. He is surrealist and labeled eccentric. His art reflects a bit how I think. Always different and never the norm. Pushing existing thought pattern. He was like many of us another ill fit.

[geoff]

Hello Motz, before I read the replies after your comment back to me you said 'And another thing I have discovered is, no matter how much I know of the in’s and out of my psyche, it does not always protect me from wrong thinking even when I know I am thinking wrong', is that I took it as knowing the 'ins and out's of your psychiatrist, sorry.

Will send this off to you and then read the rest.

Geoff.

[Mum Chris]

Hi Motz

Yes it’s the ones left behind that I for a while couldn’t even think about that keep me tethered. I never really thought I was someone that liked a plan etc but maybe right now it’s what’s important for me. My husband booked a cruise for us later in 2022 and said this is for us to look forward to and make us happy. Poor guy I’ve put him through hell.
I was advised by the lovely people on here to download beyondnow app and set up my safety plan and I did and I shared it with my husband so he knows what my plan is. I added warning signs for when I’m getting sucked down the vortex and what I am to do to ease the danger. I’ve used it a few times to get me passed some rough times.
It’s very hard when people hurt you even if it’s unintentional and when they let you down and do things intentionally it’s super hard. I would say that my struggle is because of being hurt intentionally by others and now I’m so sensitive that I can be triggered by the slightest thing that anyone does or says. I’m now hyper vigilant and hyper reactive and I myself don’t know how to stop it.
I find posting really helps me get it out and I sometimes and crying and freaking out but I get a reply from someone who totally understands and has a suggestion or just totally relates to what I’m feeling. I had been telling anyone and everyone in my life I’m Not Okay and all I got back was your doing great. I posted on here and I got back yes we hear you.
I have no pearls of wisdom or solutions just welcome and keep posting and be kind to yourself

MC

[mmMekitty]

Hi Motz,

Thank you for telling me about your avatar. A long time ago I was able to see more, & I am somewhat familiar with Salvador Dali's paintings. Not this one, though. I can see the vivid blue & the red in the upper right corner, & an area of white, & I know there is something else in there. This is how limited my vision is. The general composition, as I can see, is totally unlike any of the paintings I'd seen long ago.

But I like his painting, subject & surreal style. I marvelled at how well he could represent very familiar objects & how he could twist reality in the painting, so brilliantly. I would have loved to have been able to paint like that.

If you are interested, I wrote about my avatar, in my introductory thread, 'Introducing mmMekitty', at the start of the thread, You are welcome to read that, & as much as you like there. Sorry I can't make a direct a link, but it's not hard to find.

mmMekitty 😸

[mmMekitty]

Hi again, Motz.

Mum Chris has just posted a wonderful post to you, while I was busy writing more to send.😹 She makes me tear up with pride.

Referring to your post of 31 December, 2021, sometimes, when we feel we want or need to exit, but deep from within, we know we don't actually want that.

For me, what I had wanted was for life to be not so emotionally painful everywhere I went; I wanted that pain to stop. I guess I knew deep down, things would, eventually, get better. Even if I did nothing, time would take care of some of it. No-one was hearing me, seeing me, let alone helping me. So, I did what I could to survive 'them' on my own. If I had something/someone more tangible to hold in mind, it would have been easier than it was.

There was one someone, I would have, eventually, spoken to them &, taken a chance, having some hope they would support me. I was 14 years old, so didn't see clearly, didn't know I could do more to help myself than what I did... & something in my head said, 'wait'. Nothing more, just that strong imperative thought that I must wait. I didn't know what for, how long, & have felt I waited, & waited, as if for a sign that, now I could go.

The thought has remained, but is much in the background. 'Waiting' still holds me. & now I have my sis in there, too, caring as much as she does, so I can't hurt her. I might have done, back then, not realising how much she may have felt for me still, since we were already drifting away from the close relationship we'd had when we were very young. I couldn't see, in myself, I still held her close in my heart, always have, but shutting off myself from my own emotions meant I couldn't see it.

I know it's painful to think you might do something which would hurt those you love, but I would hold to that anyway, because you never know what may still lie ahead.

It's only now, in my 60s that I have found some marvellous people, that make me feel I am important, cared for & supported, maybe even loved. That's worth waiting for.

Like you, I too had not feared death, from a very young age. Not for any religious promise of a life hereafter or heaven, either. I believe none of that. I simply didn't fear, probably because I didn't comprehend the wider implications of what my death might mean for others. Literally, it's okay for me; I won't be here. But others, as you know, would be here to 'pick up the pieces'.

Living is the harder thing to do, & the potentially more rewarding thing to enjoy.

mmMekitty