My life is one hurdle after another

Katey75 · ‎17-06-2023

I'm not sure how much more of my life I can truly take. I'm not exaggerating when I say that nothing goes right for me. Despite my best efforts, and doing my best to be kind, empathetic and generous to others, the world just craps on me time after time. I don't have any money, I don't have a job, and I'm facing homelessness. The only thing worth living for is my daughter. If I didn't have her, I would literally have no reason to be here. I feel like I'm a burden, a drain on everyone else (including my poor daughter), and just useless. This has been my life for years. Nothing changes, nothing improves, it's just one letdown or challenge after another.

I had a job - a good job - and because I couldn't live up to the boss's expectations, they let me go. I decided to apply for a government program, and after fighting for my spot I was accepted on the proviso that I have a mentor. I have tried and start my own business, but I have no customers, my mentor has never been in contact with me. I leave messages, I send emails - nothing. Then, last week, I was thrown off the program because of "non-participation" and because I hadn't managed to reach my goals (get customers, basically). I tried, I really did, but nothing ever happened. It's like I was invisible.

I had to sell my apartment. I started looking for another apartment before I put mine on the market, so I knew there were places out there. My place sold quickly, but for a lot less than I paid, and now I'm desperately looking for a new place, but the real estate agents ignore my calls and emails, my conveyancer does the same, and I don't have access to the money I've made from the sale because it's with the conveyancer. In a couple of weeks I will need to move out, and I have nowhere to go. I just feel like no-one can see me, or hear me. I often wonder if I'm imagining things - like I'm not really here and it's all a dream. But it's not. This is my life.

My would I want to live in a world where no-one can see me, or hear me? Where I'm invisible, and hopeless? Why should I keep trying, when it happens to me again and again?

indigo22 · ‎18-06-2023

Hi Katey75,

I am so sorry you are going through such a difficult time, life can seem brutal at times and I have experienced a lot of the feelings you describe. Let me start by saying "I hear you". You are in the right place to get some help and I would like to suggest that perhaps you are dealing with depression, but are not aware of the fact. That was my situation also and I didn't get help until much later in life. I think the first thing you should do is contact the Beyond Blue helpline and get some help from them. After that it would be a good idea to talk with your GP about how you are feeling and ask for a referral to someone who can help you. I believe some counsellors work through Medicare so you will not need to find funds to get some help. I understand the suicidal ideation as I have also been through that a number of times, you just want things to stop being so difficult and painful, but you cannot do that to your daughter. I know you do not want her to go through what you are going through, but that would likely be the case if she were left alone without her mum. So the only answer is to get some help for yourself so you can be a good example to your daughter of what to do when you are not coping. You are clearly a sensitive person and so am I, which means that every experience feels more intense. Some people are able to let things roll off them like water off a duck's back but sensitive people are not built that way. You have had some adverse situations in your past that have left you with low self-esteem and the feeling of hopelessness that you refer to. If I am not mistaken there should be financial counselling available to you through Centrelink or family services who can help you with the situation with your conveyancer ignoring you and help with your situation of needing to find somewhere to live. I hope I have given you the understanding that you are not alone even though I know that you feel you are. Please come back to this post and talk some more when you need to, we will be here for you.

Sending you hugs and extra courage to keep going.

indigo22

Katey75 · ‎19-06-2023

Thank you for your support and advice, indigo22. I know I’m not alone, I just forget sometimes. It’s a new week and I’m going to start it with a new attitude and try my best. Thanks again.

indigo22 · ‎03-08-2023

Hi Katey75,

I just wanted to follow up with you. How are things going? If you feel comfortable, please let me know.

indigo22

smallwolf · ‎03-08-2023

Hi Katey75. Just wanted to check in and see how you were going? Listening if you wanted to chat.