My inner demons are winning

[PocketRocket88]

TW Suicidal ideations and urges

here we are once again, waking up feeling like crap then to have my inner demons shouting like hell inside my head… no one truly understand the feeling that one goes thru in moments like this… so let me tell describe what or how I’m feeling when I’m struggling…

More than often it’s starts with feeling anxious upon waking up. When I say anxious, it means im abit on the edge that it’s like there’s an immediate threat towards myself. Some of the time it settles down when I fully wake up which can last upto 2hrs upon waking up. If it doesn’t, then my demons starts waking up. When I say demons, it’s the suicidal ideations in my head. Not long after they wake up comes the urge to act on it… the urge is like an itch or pressure inside me, if you scratch it(act on the thought) I feel some relief but the downside is that if wanna keep doing it just to relieve that pressure. If I don’t act on the thought, they will go for a little bit but comes back 10x worse than the last which means it just keeps building up until I can’t handle it anymore.., and more than often I I’d give in to just feel some relief. Then it start all over again during the day… I can go many cycles (short intervals) in a day but sometimes I only get a few long cycles which is worse than having little ones…

I do feel ashamed of what I’m doing to myself specially when people knows about it. Hence I try to keep to myself which then brings the isolation… which leads to loneliness then lead to an attempt… 

I currently feel that I’m in the brink of really giving in to these demons in my head… work can just keep me safe for 8hrs but after that? It’ll be hard to not act on the urge… I live alone and coz I’ve distanced myself from people including my family , that no one will think or wonder if I’m okay or not. Perfect setting for the ending of a sad story, my story.

[PocketRocket88]

Today I'm feeling really agitated, anxious and fidgity... I couldn't sleep last night which means I'm coming into work with no sleep at all so the next 8 hours I have to keep myself awake and  busy coz my inner demons are awake and making so much noise in my head... I don't need this today specially whilst at work... My mind's racing with many negative thoughts that feeds the urge to be stupid whilst at work doing tasks... I just want the demons to shut the hell up and let me focus with what Im supposed to be achieving in the next 8 hours... The intensity of the thoughts are getting stronger and I'm sure not long after that, the urge will intensify as well... I need to be able to get thru this shift safe and sound... Which is now abit of a worry for myself... Hopefully being at work will keep me safe...

[PocketRocket88]

Today i've been listening to musics by Hillsong... This seemed to block out my inner demons... Hopefully they'll co-operate with me today most specially whilst at work... I'm doing an overnight shift... Hope that work is constant and not crazy busy... Coz I know I can't handle stress well that I get frustrated after which it's downhill from there...

Yesterday I had some drugs and then having no sleep the night before then to top it all off, I did alot of manual labour so my body is exhausted as well. Having all those combined, it made me feel in some sort of trans in a good happy way.. I was laughing and I think it's the first time I ever felt happy, which may or may not be real... I wish I stay feeling that way all the time than me feeling like an absolute shit each waking day...

I'm hoping to constantly try to fight for my life no matter what happens... That I would feel happy and content with my life now... it's unfortunate,  Scary to an extent, and sad but it's what I honestly believe and is my reality...

[therising]

Hi PocketRocket

Good to hear the music makes some positive difference. If there's one thing our inner demons don't like it's what makes a positive difference.

Learning and studying as much as possible in the way of emotion is an education worth seeking. A question such as 'What is this emotion I'm feeling (a specific energy in motion within me)?' is a helpful question. For example...

If you've ever experienced sitting on the couch late at night, watching tv, and you've got all that internal chatter going on ('You need to get up and brush your teeth. You're falling asleep. You need to get up and go to bed), you'll know how that feels. It's the feeling of agitation or energy in motion that is agitating. Then the most amazing thing happens: You give yourself the freedom to simply close your eyes, the freedom to not brush your teeth, to not get up out of that chair and go to bed. While you've been struggling to keep your eyes open, you finally give yourself permission to close them and drift. This is the emotion/feeling known as 'peace'. But, hang on, you find yourself coming out the other side of sleep and the dialogue starts up, with those inner demons dictating 'You didn't brush your teeth or go to bed. You're absolutely hopeless'. Throwing a bit of truth at them helps, 'Shut the hell up, they're simply teeth. I'm going to brush them now'. I know it's not so easy as they may simply not let it go, 'Don't dismiss this so easily. You're teeth are going to rot if you keep doing this and you will keep doing it because you're hopeless'. Personally, I'd label this emotion as 'depressing anxiety inducing harassment', something you can feel. Truth is...inner demons don't care about teeth, all they care about is being hell bent on finding whatever leads you to feel a horrible sense of self loathing. If you were to imagine them high fiving each other every time they get you to that point, it becomes a matter of mastering achieving no inner demon high 5 moments.

If you've come to love the way the music leads you to feel, try sensing what emotions it produces within you (name them) and then turn the volume up so as to feel a greater volume. No place for inner demon high fiving there.

[PocketRocket88]

I’m ok for the minute.. just need to think about things… I don’t want to walk to anyone nor want to be with anyone right now

[Junior1962]

Glad to hear that you feel ok right now. 

I want to encourage you to just sit with your feelings. No need to do anything, just observe them, then let them go. Know that the level of your distress is very painful and hard to bear but that it is just feelings. Fighting makes us tired. Why not just let them be? Let them flow on out into the universe? 

[PocketRocket88]

I need time and space where I can think things thru... I need to know where to go from here... This might not be the best idea but it something I think I need to do

[PocketRocket88]

I don't know if I can do any of this anymore... I kept trying and yet it feels like I'm going nowhere... The question I ask myself is what do I need for things to get better? What should I be doing to help myself? I got no answer to this questions all I can think of is that no matter what I do it won't matter and no matter how many support I get it won't change anything... All of the effort that I put in won't matter coz nothing will change, I will still be Stuck in the same place and same situation probably worse than before... It's so much easier once I'm gone, I won't get disappointed and I'll be free from all these... I'll probably be better in my next life...

[PocketRocket88]

I now understand that I have a chronic suicidal ideation and urges. More than often it’s not triggered by anything or anyone, which means it just comes as it pleases… some people might say you control what your thinking but in my situation these thoughts seems to control me instead. I know I shouldn’t let it but I do because anything that these voices are saying seems so real and true for me… specially when it’s about my life… it’s hard to find meaning in your life when you only have work and home,. I think I’ve distanced myself long enough that once I’m gone no one will really realise that I’m gone coz I’ve been aloof for so long… they’d just think that I’m just doing me  … yep No one would ever know my struggles and how hard I fought.

[Sophie_M]

Hey PocketRocket88,

Thank you for sharing this update, and for your openness in sharing what's going on for you right now. We're going to get in touch with you privately to check in and offer some support, we hope that's ok. Please check your inbox. Alternatively, we'd love for you to reach us directly on 1300 22 4636 or online.

We can hear you're fighting and working hard to stay safe through this. If you have a Safety Plan, it could be a really good time to check it out and take some steps towards staying safe. 
If this becomes an emergency, please call 000 (triple zero), or present to the hospital emergency department. There's also Lifeline on 13 11 14 or Suicide Call Back Service 1300 659 467.

Thanks again for sharing here. There's so much bravery and strength in that. 

Kind regards,

Sophie M

[therising]

Hi PocketRocket88

Inner demons are opportunists; they'll take any opportunity to start up, whether we're conscious of what that is or not. Low energy, they'll start. A dark somewhat cloudy day, they'll start. A single word, they'll start. Btw, the word can be just about anything. For example, someone says 'Yesterday' and those inner demons could start with 'Yesterday was hopeless' or 'Yesterday, you were a lazy piece of c*ap'. The trigger word could be 'Happy' and they'll start. 'You'll never be happy' or 'Everyone else is happy except you!'. They can take just about any word and torture you with it.

Pocket Rocket, I felt them start up Tuesday just gone. While in a store where I was buying good skin care products for the 1st time in my life (to create some positive change), my inner demons we're thrilled by the amount of mirrors in that store. The words that came to mind were 'Look in the mirror', over and over while I was in that store. I resisted looking until just before I got to the register. I looked and they started. 'You're 52 and you look like an old fat pathetic loser. What makes you think any products you buy are going to fix that face. Nothing's going to fix it. It's ugly. You're pathetic. You're a waste of space. Have a really good look, just so you know this is the truth'. I looked again and almost cried because it felt true. I went ahead with my purchase. By the time I got home, I could feel it beginning, the depression I can sometimes sink into for days, weeks or even months. They'd got me, hooked me with a single glance in a mirror. What I did next, those inner demons did not expect. I stood in front of the bathroom mirror, took that greying hair that had become rather long over time and I cut it off to above my shoulders and I dyed it purple. Then I thought 'This is me'.

One of the most significant things I've learned over the years is inner demons are liars and every single lie feels depressing. That's how you spot the lies, you feel them.