My complex trauma and the ongoing pandemic

[DeltaJ]

I just feel like having virtual rant here, as I don't feel safe saying it anyone in real life..

It's only been in the last couple of years that the source of most of my anxiety has been traced to complex trauma that has been slowly compounding most of my life.
I'm feeling in constant conflict about this, as I'm so in protection mode now, I have trouble with empathising for others, and I've always looked out for others in the past, so I feel so guilty and self absorbed and my values are really being hurt being this way.

Earlier this year I had a bad experience with the health system, after already feeling traumatised by past experiences. I then had a close call with suicidal thoughts and how I was treated by the health system was the trigger.
Over the last few months things have been building up again, as I have chronic health issues which need attention, but I just don't trust anyone in the system anymore who is supposed to support me in a "gentle" way.
I live on my own in a regional area and don't see real people very often. The lockdowns have just about destroyed me, but even worse, part of my past trauma means I just can't wear a mask. I have feinted 8 times this year alone from mask wearing in public, to have the ambulance turn up. I have injured myself several times when hitting the deck, and just can't keep doing this. I did get a letter of sorts from the GP, and I wear a badge when I'm out now, but the social stigma, from the emotional policing of other people has me avoiding going out unless I need a bit of food. I haven't actually worn a mask for a couple of months, but felt compelled to, when visiting the GP clinic a week ago, which ended in collapse and injury.

I get extremely distressed when I read of the ongoing dialog around mask wearing, and how it's a small price to pay, and the prospect of it never ending. I even almost have a panic attack when I see someone else with particularly restrictive face covering on. I'm now even more worried, as the new variant making the situation worse, and my double vax losing effectiveness. I'm also moderately immunocompromised and suffer light asthma, but I can't get an appointment for a booster around here until February. So I'm doubly worried as my efficacy time has already run out and I fear I may be at greater risk for that reason.....and because I can't wear a mask.
I'm back in the mood of suicidal thoughts, and I wouldn't admit this to the local health services, as the way I've been neglected in the past means I feel safer staying away from them, and feel safer in the knowledge that I'm free to take my life if I finally decide I've had enough.

[Sophie_M]

Hey DeltaJ, 

Thank you for posting this morning and we're glad to hear our community is a safe place for you to share these thoughts. We can hear the current mask mandates have been very difficult for you and acknowledge that people can be quick to judge when others are not following these rules. We empathise with your feelings of worry at the new variant, the news seems to be constantly disheartening. We know things seem bleak at the moment but please keep your spirits up and think of the experiences and life you have to look forward to after restrictions end.

We want to keep this a safe space for you to share your thoughts, but if you would like to speak with someone about these concerns, we'd recommend our Coronavirus Mental Wellbeing Support Service where you will find a lot of targeted information as well as another 24/7 helpline staffed by specially trained mental health professionals.

You might also be able to connect with the following article:

• Updating your suicide safety plan during the coronavirus pandemic

Please keep us updated here DeltaJ,

[white knight]

Hi DeltaJ, welcome

I understand your situation only because my empathy level is high, I personally dont have any issue about wearing said mask.

We are not professional medical staff so my comments/ideas are my own and I hope they work. However a referral to a psychologist or other person can also benefit greatly.

I'm imagining being in your situation. Until masks are no longer required I would seek out all the ways in which to not venture out. Ordering groceries from a supermarket can be done without alighting from your car now. Drive thru restaurants. Online shopping. Bills direct debit and so on.

As for suicidal thoughts, this is a sad development. Having been there myself a long time ago you might like to read the following-

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/when-all-is-lost-what-can-you-do-be-radical-

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/anxiety/anxiety-how-l-eliminated-it

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/meditation---words-of-wisdom---it-helped-me-for-25-years

I hope that helps

TonyWK

[DeltaJ]

Thank you to both of you for the helpful words.
Unfortunately I’m just at a point where I’ve heard everything before, and tried most ideas. I’m having difficulty in believing there is any solutions to my unique issues.
I’m afraid many of the solutions involving professionals are part of my anxieties. I am talking to a psychologist currently through Telehealth, but like the other psychologists I’ve talked to over this year,
they just suggest mostly the same repetitive stuff I’ve attempted, and in the end just fiddle around the edges.
Ironically, there is a live in therapy for a month at a clinic dealing with complex trauma. I enquired, but because of the government rules of wearing a mask in all public areas inside, not even exemptions apply. I told them my story, they said sorry we can’t help you then!

Because I live in a remote area, things like drive though for meals is not available, along with many other things one might take for granted in a city.
My social anxiety has peaked this couple of years after all the lockdowns, not even being allowed to have anyone visit my house, so the very connecting socially I need is also too traumatic. I suffer from low assertiveness, and am also remote from family along with problems I have with them too. Suggestions about putting my health first before other issues, is not a reality for me due to the complex trauma. Just about everything and everyone in the world is more important than my health, that I have been reminded of repeatedly. I find most people preach that mantra, until it’s something that affects their own intentions, then I come second.
I am so very tired and worn out by it all, and feel like I just want to say, “you can have the world for yourselves” to all the people out there whom have the energy to fight and bicker endlessly over every morsel. Count me out.
 

[white knight]

Hi

Very hard for anyone to get a grip on your issues, they are so unique.

At least you have empathy here, I hope you feel it. Most people here have one thing in common with you, that of isolation due to illness.

For what it's worth, sometimes we have to go so low, to arrive at suicidal thoughts before we rebound and fight back.

I had 12 months therapy in 1987, yep, 34 years ago, and I still benefit at least once a week from those sessions. I found I responded to -quotes.

"Tony, you have black and white thinking in a world of 8 billion people of grey" and "no one questions your endeavour only your methods to overcome" and so on.

Motivation played a huge role. Now I'm the motivator. Imagine in 10 years time, masks haven't been worn for many years and you stand in front of people that have issues they cannot find remedies for. You change their lives in less than one hour by bringing them hope and drawing out their courage they didn't think they had. That is rewarding. It could be your future.

I live in a regional small to medium town as well. Often services like the Lions club/rotary etc can assist with shopping and so forth. Contact council. Try it.

I don't have all the answers. What I do know, having survived a suicide attempt in 1996, lost a child from my life and so on...is that giving up is never an option. It is not an answer. What is?

The closest I can get to the ideal approach is-

• Don't give up. There is honour in continuing on
• Keep hope in therapy, they'll be an ideal one for you out there
• Draw on all available Govt assistance , you need it and deserve it
• Try not to expect family, friends to understand.
• Focus on a hobby or barrack for a sport.
• You are unique as is your illness. You are valuable and lovable

What do you think.? I'm very happy to keep chatting. I'm here daily

TonyWK

[DeltaJ]

Sorry, I'm not in the mid space to think about your suggestions. Today was the loneliest Christmas I've ever had. This is the first conversation I've directed to anyone outside my head. I really don't think I'll make it to the next one 😞 Why is the real world ever so busy with everyone else?! I'm tired of feeling like I'm on the outside looking in. I need to sleep away what's left of tonight, with a little help, so off to bed I go.

[Sophie_M]

Hi DeltaJ,


Thanks for coming online tonight and sharing your thoughts. Christmas Day can be tough and we’re sorry to hear that it’s been particularly difficult and lonely for you this year. Feeling disconnected from the world and with others is hard, so we are glad you are taking the time to reach out to us even if you are not in a space of mind to take in many suggestions. We hope that being part of this community can bring you some comfort and help you to feel a little less alone.


We are a little concerned about you tonight and have sent you an email. Please check-in and let us know how you are whenever you feel up to it.


In addition to this, there are always counsellors available via phone for your most difficult moments. Some of these 24/7 services include Lifeline on 13 11 14 or via webchat which you can access through the link provided: https://www.lifeline.org.au/Get-Help/Online-Services/crisis-chat (The online chat is available 7pm-12am). Our friends at Suicide Call Back Service are also available on 1300 659 467.


Should you feel at any time that you are unable to keep yourself from acting on unsafe thoughts, then this is an emergency and it's important that you contact 000 (triple zero) straightaway.


Both Beyond Blue and our online community members are here with you.

[DeltaJ]

I guess I'm being reminded so much these days, particularity events like Christmas, how a single older divorced male living on their own is so not relevant to society anymore. My family provide lip service about how that's not true but their actions demonstrate a different story, as I'm way down the pecking order. I also get tired of the media reports of how bad all men are, and if there's something bad happening with women it's usually a man's fault anyway.

I try to avoid the media now, but I can't help getting some news, otherwise I'm living under a rock.