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Suicide & my murdering narcissistic "mother".

Miiia
Community Member

My beautiful older sister committed suicide a year ago on December 27th. She sent our "mother" a skype message advising her of her intentions which was ignored until 2 days later when "mother" mentioned to my younger sister & jokingly said that "Amy" was on "her suicide mission again", my younger sister rang "Amy" immediately but there was no response as she was already gone. All of us sisters have attempted suicide many times due to the lifetime of mental abuse from "mother". I ceased contact with her in 2014 when she rang me to tell me she was happy that my beloved father had finally succumbed to cancer, she HATED him (they divorced when I was a teenager & I stayed with him which she has always resented me for) This narcissistic self centred "woman" posts on her facebook page how much she misses her elder daughter for sympathy only. She hated "Amy" as much as she hated me. (I am NOT a friend of hers of course, her fb profile is public so she garners as much sympathy as possible from strangers)

I self harm to cope & when "mother" saw my scars the last time she saw me in 2014 she told me they were disgusting and I should wear long sleeves to cover them up. I call them my survival scars. When I drink alcohol and cut, I of course cut deeper to see if I could actually succeed but I have my little fur baby that I love and would never leave behind.

Right this moment (Christmas), I am sad, lonely, desperate & am caring for my little fur baby who endured surgery yesterday which she is thankfully recovering from. If she had died, I would be dead right now. My other gorgeous fur baby was sadly put to sleep a year ago yesterday, at age 16 due to illness so that is another thing to deal with along with my sisters suicide.

I contemplate suicide everyday. I would have my little fur baby put to sleep first as I would never leave her behind. Life is not worth living. At this time of the year it is worse. No money to buy food so I eat toast or cereal (being on disability & paying $440 a week in rent is not feasible & I will be homeless or dead within 6 months.) How can I take food hampers from families with children who need help more than I do. Life is too hard & not being here is easier.

9 Replies 9

Sophie_M
Moderator
Moderator
Dear Miiia
 
Sounds like you're really struggling so we're glad you;ve reached out tonight. Christmas time can be really difficult for many of us, especially those with little family or friends. We are glad to hear your little fur baby is recovering though, they must mean the world to you.

Know that you are not alone and the community here is with you. We have sent you a private message as we are concerned about you. Please check your inbox.

Please remember that if at any point you wish to act on thoughts of suicide, then this is an emergency and you should contact 000 (triple zero).
 

geoff
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hello Miiia, can we offer you a warm welcome and want to thank you so much for opening up to us.

Firstly as a pet owner myself, I'm pleased that your little pur baby is well, although there will be much concern for you on her recovery and sometimes that's all we need because we love them.

I realise your concern for other families but you can't compare yourself to them, each case has to be taken on its own merits and needs to be taken individually because all comments need special attention and taking vouchers from charities never deprived anyone in need.

Firstly having to pay $400 a week on a DSP pension is outrageous because it leaves you with very little for anything else, even with rent assistance doesn't give you much but you have other options to decide on and as much as you may prefer to be by yourself is there any chance someone else could move in with you, a difficult decision to make, but you can contact Anglicare who can help you in many ways including providing you with a home.

Can I suggest that you don't look at these social networks online where your mother posts, it's not doing you any favours and what's said may be false, you don't need this at this time of year.

Please get back to us.

Geoff.

Miiia
Community Member

Hello Geoff,

Thank you for your kind comments. My little fur baby is recovering & is being smothered with much more love & attention that I think she can handle. She gives it all back to me ten fold though of course.

I understand what you mean about accepting vouchers etc but I feel really embarrassed at asking for help, as everyone does I guess. When I last visited my toxic mother back in 2014, I was astonished at the supermarket quantity of food she had in her pantry & when I commented that I can't afford to buy food, she looked at me & said "you don't look like you haven't been eating". I am not overweight, she is just cruel & expects me to look like a concentration camp victim I guess. Any other mother would have gladly filled bags with tinned food for her daughter but no, this Toxic witch hates me. I actually left her home at 2am once she was asleep as I was so upset at all of her cruel comments & drove 8 hours home. I then got in a bath with a bottle of bourbon to cope with that trauma. That was the last time I ever spoke to her. Not even after the suicide of my sister last year, have I spoken to Toxic.

I couldn't share this small villa with a stranger due to my depression & anxiety. I would drive them out I think with all of my tears & crazy non existent life. I never leave my unit except to go to the grocery shop at 7am for food for my little dog or the chemist at 8am for drugs.

I have deactivated my little dogs facebook account so that I don't go to the Toxics page. My younger sister & I have both done this. Her hurtful comments are too harmful to us & she has previously posted some really cruel comments about our sister who she was responsible for the death of. I only reconnected with my younger sister after the suicide of our sister after 18 years of being estranged because Toxic had told so many lies to both of us that were hurtful & would ensure we would hate each other & not want to be in each others lives. But since the suicide, we have compared stories & realised this woman is a crazy, narcissistic, self centred & controlling Toxic witch who hates her daughters. But we are together again & our love for each other is as deep as it was when we were teenagers. My life is more enriched with my sister & her family back in my life. Just wish they lived closer to me.

Thank you again,

Miiia

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi Miiia, welcome

So glad Geoff and Sophie have posted.

Where do I start? So many similarities here.

My mother just as toxic likely has a mental illness but always in denial. She's 90yo now and my younger sister and I cut all contact 11 years ago. Our brother suicided in 1979 aged 26yo. Our mother triangulates like yours- pits two loved ones together for attention. etc!

So, lets be positive- you are actually on the crest of recovery but you might not realise it. In terms of your financial situation it cant be much worse. As Geoff said- at this time in your life society should step up and provide support for you. Accept it please. You deserve it and you will go on to recover and help others. I'm helping you here and been on skid row as well as dealing with my mother.

There is a few steps in surviving a toxic parent.

1/ dont look back. They occupy too much of your brain space, move on and in time you'll forget a lot of the harm for a better quality of life.

2/ Dont let them win by self harm or feeling a failure- instead motivate and yell out- I will win, I will survive, I will not hurt myself. !!!!

3/ Support close siblings and family, they are hurting also. Let other have their relationships, it isnt for them to dictate to you who you should have in your life.

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/controlling-your-life-how-impor...

Getting back to basics help with our thinking processes.

https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/online-forums/staying-well/meditation---words-of-wisdom---...

So the above deals with your thinking mind and appreciation for the little things in life.

But what will really help? Obviously a job, to supplement your pension (if you can ok). In your shoes I'd then save some money and buy a delivery van and that would be my home. You can buy portable outside shower in a shower tent (google Joolca shower tent). Buy a portapotti. My wife and I free camp with our caravan. A app called "wikicamps" has all the free camps throughout Australia which includes dumps "toilet dumping from your portapotti". Spend a few nights here and a few nights there, move around a bit. No rent, some have token payments like $10 a night etc. Some have public showers, toilets etc. Work your way up to a larger model with toilet and shower. If you are capable you can do what some do- south for the spring and north for the autumn to pick fruit.

What do you think?

TonyWK

Hello TonyWK,

Thanks for your comments & helpful links. I am sorry on the suicide of your brother & toxic mother. I try not to think back to my Toxic mother's insults etc but it is hard, as you well know.

I am unable to work as not only do I have mental health illness, but also a disfiguring disease called Neurofibromatosis (NF1) in which I have tumours covering my body from my head to my feet. I am terribly self conscious & never leave my home. I have tumours on my spine which prevent me from walking etc. I have had cruel comments in the past telling me I should stay home as my appearance could scare small children. Hence, why in my other posts I only go to the shops at 7am & 8am & my GP at 5.30am. I did work up until 2001 with mentally and physically handicapped children and adults which I loved. But it was in 2001 when my world crumbled.

I totally appreciate your help and please don't think I am making excuses. If it wasn't for this debilitating NF which is worsening with my age (I am now 63), I could possibly slowly recover from mental health issues.

Thank you again & have a wonderful Christmas,

Miiia

white knight
Community Champion
Community Champion

Hi,

Thankyou for clarifying.

Perhaps the campervan concept still has merit. Something to think about. There is also the safety issue.

Much of what memories you have will fade away over time. Some will never. But being a survivor has a certain honour we should caress and pat ourselves on the back.

So please don't stop being proud, forward thinking and finding ways to overcome.

TonyWK

Frangepani
Community Member
Hi I totally get what you are going through in terms of your mother. Im so sorry for experiencing all that you are going through. For me personally I feel that my mother and my siblings aren't strong enough to deal with their pain so they project it on to me. Im highly sensitive empath they think its acceptable behaviour and its not I've been there to many times where I've wanted to end my life. And you know what dont give these people the satisfaction or anyone to have any kind of power of you. That happened to me and I know I surely won't let that happen again. I have strong faith and that has what got me through hell there's a reason why im still here maybe its to help people like you through my experiences. Don't worry about what other people think of you its none of your business. The people that genuinely care about you will stick around the rest I believe they don't deserve you. I truly hope this helps you I wish you well take care of yrself yr the most important one not everybody else. If I can help further please respond again.

geoff
Champion Alumni
Champion Alumni

Hello Miiia, and thanks Tony for your concise reply and Frangepani, I'm not religious but you are entitled to your beliefs.

There can be nothing worse than visiting your parent's place and noticing their pantry full when you yourself are struggling to afford to buy the basics and not being offered anything to take home with you, that's not only greed but also showing off with an intention in mind.

If you like you can order from the shops and they could home deliver and with your GP they can talk with you by phone and the pharmacy can also deliver, but I'm not sure locking yourself up like this will achieve that much.

Can I elaborate on this, knowing your condition, is that now I need to use a walker when walking outside, a complete difference to how I used to be and people comment, but after a while what they say doesn't matter any longer, it becomes natural.

Remember the other people may also be showing something they didn't want people to notice.

Take care.

Geoff.

Ramblify
Community Member

Hi Miiia’a,

I also put my fur baby to sleep just a few month before Christmas. She was the love of my life. She was getting old and was sick, I didn’t want to see her suffer - she could not longer get to the toilet herself and was in a lot more pain (arthritis) than I realised. Dogs/animals are so tough, they don’t let if show when they’re in pain…

I am estranged from my mother’s side of the family. My advise is to block your mum of social media, and change your settings for your sister or anyone else you know who posts about your mum. Don’t feel embarrassed about excepting help! If you don’t except help you are stuck! Work on rebuilding a positive and loving support network for yourself! There are many churches and community organisations- disability supports too that can help you find a place to go on Christmas Day and other times of the year that are difficult.
Dont be shy or embarrassed - there a people who want to help - don’t turn them down because of pride. Sometimes we have to swallow our pride and trust others who want to help. Baby steps, life will get better!
Best wishes,

Ramblify