Moving forward

[Pamela_LL]

Two years ago, I was in a downward spiral that I never thought I’d find myself in. Over the space of 6 weeks, I ended up in hospital 4 times - after trying to commit suicide. 

I have suffered from depression and low self esteem for years. I thought that I would be someone to end up in a hospital, I felt like my world had collapsed and there was nothing else to live for.

One morning, after waking up in the hospital again I had to call my boss saying I couldn’t come into work. The surreal world of a mental breakdown had now become a reality. I made a decision that day that I wanted to live, I had to live.

The shame is overwhelming at times. I feel as though I have this other side of me, that no one knows about. That if they knew the real me, my façade would be over. How do do you forgive yourself for scaring the people you love? How do you wash away the shame? What does life look like after attempting suicide?

[white knight]

Dear Pamela, welcome

I'm here, a stranger, one that has made an attempt also (1996), I'm 66yo, bipolar, depression, etc. I'm actually here like all the community champions, whenever you feel like typing, sharing, explaining your feelings. 

"How do you wash away the shame?"  What you do is learn not to feel it in the first place. I mean, logically shame is a feeling of loss of pride of what others would think of us. It also says that we think we have failed yet logics again says a suicide attempt is not a failure... it's a drastic action caused by events out of our control or ability to contain.

I assume you have professional medical support. Here we are "lived experience" champs (and members) that is indeed a link in the chain of support. We are open 24/7/365 and all you have to do is post and wait for a reply. You can also post more threads on specific topics.

Let's tackle the issues you raised- 

Depression- ok, so you've got professional support, maybe medication etc. There is several factors you have the ability to change in your life to consider-

• Change of career/workplace/work times (eg eliminating shift work), part time full time etc
• Change of living location- city/country/compromise
• Removing all toxic people from your life- narcissists, those with expectations etc
• Review hobbies/sports/special interests/short medium and long range goals
• Self chosen spirituality/religion/mindfullness

So, I'd like to know more about the above topics of your life please.

In the meantime I have a thread or two you might find interesting. BTW, life after attempting suicide? Can be so wonderful and I'd love to share that too.

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/staying-well/depression-distraction-and-variety/td-p/275790

https://forums.beyondblue.org.au/t5/depression/depression-and-the-timing-of-motivation/td-p/149708

TonyWK

[therising]

Hi Pamela

Knowing you want to live is a massive turning point. From my own experience, I found it to be a most welcomed revelation, especially while in the depths of depression. Where to head from there is an interesting path filled with further revelations we've met with and are yet to meet with. One of those revelations for me related to shame.

I remember that sense of shame after attempting to leave this world. It took some time for shame to lose its emotional charge. I think what helped with that was realising so much in life has an emotional charge to it. Whether it's the word 'shame' or the inner dialogue that sounds like 'I'm pathetic, I'm worthless' or it's the smile someone gives you that touches your heart or the revelation that shocks you awake in some amazing way, so much in life holds a charge to it that we can feel in some way. Shame is a word that holds no charge for me. Why should it? Just because I was raised to believe shame is a thing, that doesn't make it a thing for me.

All those who have faced the depths of depression, the very depths, know how painful it is. They know all the work in the lead up to that. It's such hard work, finding ways to live, finding ways to think differently, finding ways to act etc. 'I have worked so hard and I have survived the worst and I am proud of that' is truthful and far more real than the concept of shame or the simple word itself. For those around who have witnessed the worst of our suffering, that is exactly what they have witnessed. When I hear people speak of how selfish or shameful such an act is, it enrages me. My first thought, based on my own experience, is 'To lack such compassion tells me you have never been there yourself, in such darkness and pure desperation'. Such people are lucky, those who make such thoughtless insensitive comments.

As a 52yo gal and mum to 2 legends there are many things in life I am proud of, in the way of achievement. I think I will always be able to say the thing I am most proud of in my life is having survived depression, especially the deepest parts of it. I flat out refuse to allow shame to get in the way of that feeling.