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Lost and thinking about dying

Living57
Community Member
I have lost all direction in life. I just don't know what to do. I'm constantly tired. I have no energy. I feel totally worn out even before I've done anything. I try to keep busy but my mind drifts and I start remembering what took place, 2 years ago and from when I was 3 to nearly 13. I have had no closure ftom either of these. I am seeing a psych for the incident that took place 2 years ago, this is paid for by a 3rd party.
I believe that I have worked hard with my psych in dealing with this matter, but realistically I am unsure as I am still having nightmares and flashbacks most nights, the latest has seen me with a bruise that covers most of my upper arm from 'fighting back' something I never did when I was attacked. I still feel as if I failed myself for not fighting back, he said he had a weapon, so I did what he said. I often think I should have fought him, maybe if I did I wouldn't be in the mess I am in.
I try hard to think happy things, to take joy in something each day but its so hard. I feel like I am a prisoner in my own body and own house. I am so scared of people that I don't know that I rarely go out. I have only one friend, but I don't like to 'dump and vent' to her so I pretend all is well. Im good at putting on my face

The horror that tormented me when I was a child is back now, teasing and tormenting me, telling me I am worthless, not wanted, not good enough, unlovable and it goes on. I told my parents about him when I was younger and they told me not to be silly, I told them more than once and I got the same reply, so I managed to keep it to myself and cry st night, I'm still doing that, crying to try and get some relief from the day. The only thing I am sure of is day becomes night and night becomes day.
I haven't told my doctor or psych about my tormentor, I don't want to be told to stop being silly and imagining things.
I think about dying, its not something I really want yet, but I know I would be free of all of this, the pain would be gone for me, but it would just start for my family.
Have any of you been like this, how did you cope?
3 Replies 3

Sophie_M
Moderator
Moderator
Hi Living57, 

We are so sorry to hear that you are feeling this way right now. We want to thank you for being incredibly brave and for sharing your story with this caring, understanding and kind community. You never know who might see this post and feel less alone in their own struggles. 

If you ever feel unsafe, it is important that you call 000 straight away. 

We also think it might be useful for you to speak to one of our team about the feelings and thoughts you are having about dying. It can be scary feeling like this and our team are here for you if you need them. Call 1300 22 4636 anytime to speak to someone who cares and understands. 

You can also contact 1800 RESPECT on 1800 737 732 or via their website https://www.1800respect.org.au/

Thank you again for displaying such amazing courage in writing your story. We hope you can see the strength it must have taken and feel proud of seeking support. Please know that it is never the survivor's fault that they are assaulted. We are so sorry this happened to you and think you are amazing for doing the work with your treating team to manage this trauma. 

We are always here for you if you need us. 

Kind regards, 

Sophie M

Living57
Community Member

Here i am again, posting because this way I can say how I feel. Today has been a long day. I tried so hard to keep distracted and busy but I couldn't see anything through. My black thoughts overtook all else. I put the radio on, music is supposed to be helpful and it was until the news, first story sexual assault, I couldn't get to it and turn it off quick enough. I replayed my horror and burst in to tears, and they just kept coming. I ended up on the floor curled up on the foetal position. I just lay there for what seemed like hours before I could get up. I decided to take my panic/anxiety medication.

My day has not got any better. I've thought about life, the meaning of it, why we are here, why do some of us suffer so much pain. If I believe some people pain is a punishment for wrong doings. I wonder what I h ave done to deserve not just the mental pain and anguish I am going through but the emotional and physical pain.

I dont ever know if it will end. So far no amount of help from doctor or psychologist has done anything. Everytime I think I am getting somewhere I go backwards. It makes me question living, what is the point.

Hi Living57,

We are so sorry to hear about what you're going through; it sounds like it has been really hard. Thank you for being part of our forums, it takes a lot of courage and strength to reach out for support and we are so glad that you have done so. The community will be here to listen and chat with you. You can reach out to Beyond Blue 1300 22 4636 or Lifeline 13 11 14 for some further support. We have sent you a private email so that we can support you further.