Lost and broken

[Grmitch018]

Hey,

First I better mention I'm not at risk of doing something silly despite the fact I dream of it every night and struggle with not wanting to be around.

But I need help so I'll try paint the picture of my situation so someone can hopefully point me in right direction or give me tips some tips on staying alive to find my self worth and happy place again because Ive hit rock bottom.

I suffer from severe depression and anxiety and have a very addictive personality.

I know what I do is not helping my situation but can't seem to stop especially with the gambling.

Everytime I start going okay I keep self sabotaging going further backwards than where I was and end up hurting the ones closest to me.

I have 3 beautiful kids that I love dearly but In my eyes they better off without me.

It's pretty sad when my oldest has told me she can't remember the last time I smiled.

I just don't want to b here anymore and I can't keep living like this. Everytime I seek help I just end up getting thrown around from referral to referral and end up giving up Instead of getting to the bottom of it. I even a tried engaging in a social worker that was ment to b helping me sort out all my triggers and I explained that she has to book the appointments in and I'll b fine but if it's up to me to book I won't. Must have been put in the too hard basket never heard from her again.

I've tried about 8 different medications nothing seems to help they just upset my stomach.

I do struggle committing to this properly cause nothing has ever seemed to help and everything has escalated so got no idea where to start 😢

So this is my last chance to find my happy place, I come back from here before so i know I can do it again just need things in place to stop me falling back down.

Really wish someone could tell me where do I start and what you do

[Sophie_M]

Hey Grmitch, 

Welcome to our forums and thanks for reaching out here. We understand it can be really difficult to open up about thoughts of suicide, so thank you for having the strength to share this with our community. You are in a safe, non-judgmental space and many of our wonderful community members have had challenging journeys of their own.

We can hear you are feeling stuck and that the things you've tried before to help with your anxiety and depression and addictive tendencies have not seemed to help you. We can also hear that you love your three beautiful children and you want to get better. It sounds like you might be dealing with particularly challenging underlying issues as you've mentioned self-sabotage when making progress. There are different therapeutic modalities that deal with these types of situations. Sometimes it's a matter of finding the one that will work for you. Please know that there is always hope and even though it seems like nothing has worked, there are options and supports available. You have much to live for. Can we ask if you are currently working with a mental health professional or a GP?

Our Support Service is trying to reach out to you via email to offer additoinal support. We would urge that you do seek professional support to help you work through these thoughts that you're experiencing. If you are not sure of how to access mental health support, please contact the Beyond Blue Support Service anytime on 1300 22 4636. You can also get in touch with us on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST here: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport
In moments of overwhelm, you can also contact our friends at Lifeline at 13 11 14

Please know that you are not alone. Do keep checking in here to let us know how you're going, whenever you feel up to it.

[Aaronsis]

Good Morning Grmitch018

Welcome to the forum and for sharing how you are feeling, it is not easy sometimes to share such raw and personal information and I wanted to say how brave and how strong you are.

I am glad that you started off by saying that you are not at risk of hurting yourself, thank you for letting us know you are safe. As Sophie M has mentioned above, there are some support lines that you can call that are so very wonderful, however if you are very near danger, please call an ambulance on 000 and have them come to you.

I want so very very much for you to stay alive and to get the help that you need to move out of this dark space and on your way to feeling, feeling somewhat better, feeling some happiness, even for a moment and feeling like you are worth this happiness, feeling like you matter because you do, so very very much.

I too have an addictive personality so I know somewhat of what you speak of when you refer to this. It is pretty hard to manage sometimes and I do have a few tricks that I do now or at least try to do to channel this emotion into something more positive, I would like to share that with you if you like?

I wanted to share this link with you, I am sure that you know of this service but wanted to make sure you have the information available:

https://gamblershelp.com.au/?utm_campaign=digicont20/21&utm_source=google&utm_medium=paidsearch&utm_content=&utm_term=&gclid=Cj0KCQjwppSEBhCGARIsANIs4p7G6fFDa1tyE1TtuHSckFwjLTTvXXBnbhIbmpOfYSu1bud8mH_dCv4aAjiDEALw_wcB

Can I say that your kids, your family, your friends ARE NOT BETTER OFF without you....these thoughts are just that, hideous thoughts and they do not have to be actioned, just acknowledged and then asked to leave....while you don't feel like you matter and I understand what you are saying, you are so very much loved by your kids, and they need you and want you in their life..forever.

I love that your oldest has called you out on your mental wellness and mentioned that not only has she noticed you haven't been smiling but that she has talked to you about it...this is a huge sign of her love and care for you.

I am so sorry to hear that in the past getting help and support has not been successful for you..BUT...please keep trying...please keep knocking on every support service door until you connect with a councellor, or a doctor or a psychologist..whatever...your connection and support is there, please know that.

I hope to chat to you some more.

Huge hugs to you

Sarah xx