Fear of suicide

[Unsurehelp]

Can anyone help me better understand this.

I gave birth 3 years ago, when my child was 1 had a panic attack. I ended up in hospital and the hospital told me to see my gp. The gp put me on antidepressants. I tried antidepressants for 10months however I developed severe anxiety and for the first time in my life depression while I was on the medication. I tried several types of AD. When I decided to stop I seen a gp who said just stop.

I of course suffered withdrawal syndrome and it was very severe to the point where I had become suicidal also had ocd intrusive thoughts.

1 year since on since stopping AD I have been back to myself and who I was before I ever started them

I have however developed a huge fear of the word suicide. Even just reading about it sends fear into me and dark memories as it reminds me of that dark place and the depression and ocd intrusive thoughts I went through. It makes me believe I would go there mentally again even if I dont want to.

it has impacted my life where I am scared to have a second child due to the thought of it triggering depression, ocd intrusive thoughts and suicidal thoughts on its own as now I might be prone to it.

Does anyone have any experience or know if medicine induced depression, ocd and suicidal thoughts can cause me to go down that path again if I was to have a second baby? Without taking AD this time

Does anyone have any sort of simular experience or can shed any light on my situation.

Really want another baby but scared of suicidal thoughts and intrusive OCD returning.

I know they say if you had postnatal depression first time high chance second time round what if first time round was medicine induced though?

Confused please help

[Sophie_M]

Hey Unsurehelp,

Thank you so much for reaching out to our community here tonight, it takes so much courage to be so open about what you've been through. We can hear how frightening this experience must have been for you, and understand that the thought of feeling this way ever again is something that you don't want to have to go through with the prospect of having your second child. Please know that you're not alone in this, and you've come to a safe, non-judgemental space and our community is here to support you through this difficult time.

We'd also really encourage you to reach out to our Beyond Blue Support Service, which is available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 1pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport. One of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings and concerns with you and can offer support, advice and information to help you.

We hope that you can find some comfort here from our caring community, and please feel free to keep updating on how you're going whenever you feel ready to.
 

[geoff]

Hello Unsure, and a warm welcome to the site.

Excuse me for replying, but I have OCD as well as having PND when my wife had our second child many years ago.

I understand what these 'intrusive thoughts' are like and suffered from many different types myself, and worry that something may happen only because of these thoughts, and deeply sorry for this fear.

Any withdrawal syndrome is not appropriate from stopping any AD ( antidepressant) and needs to be managed by your doctor, it's not advisable to go 'cold turkey' as we have often been advised by the medical trade.

I'm not a doctor and not qualified to say, however, for some people medication can have an adverse effect on them, as it did several times with me, so I was automatically changed the AD I was then taking, by my doctor, their aim is to help us, not give us more to worry about.

Intrusive thoughts are damaging because they cause us to think about something we don't want to do but persist reoccurring making the situation feel worse, but it’s important to remember that you’re no more likely to act on your thoughts than anyone else, it's only the obsession from OCD that keeps this thought in our mind.

We are always desperate to find answers to these thoughts, the trouble is with this illness we are unable to do so, and that's the problem, however, one way is to google or type 'intrusive thoughts' in the search bar at the top of this page and many discussions regarding this topic will appear.

I can't answer your question but perhaps there are always different medications coming on to the market and it's best to speak to your doctor, in regard to what else I've said, I would really like to talk to you about this, I do take medication for anxiety as well as for OCD, so please when you are able to get back to us.

Geoff.

[therising]

Hi Unsurehelp

I feel for you so much as you face such a fearful challenge. No one can fully comprehend this fear unless they've faced it, postnatal depression. From my own experience, I'd have to say feeling such an overwhelming lack of love can be one of the toughest things to manage, leading to that torturous question 'What's wrong with me?' The sense of guilt that comes with resenting your baby in some way is also incredibly challenging.

I should start by saying my babies are now 18 (girl) and 15 (boy). Had them both during my latter years in depression. It was actually PND group therapy, after my 2nd, which led me out of my 15 year battle in depression. The support and what I learned in those sessions was mind altering and life changing. Being shy, I didn't want to go to group therapy but my mum pushed and pushed me to go. Bless her.

I'll say to you what I imagine I'd say to my younger self, in the hope that these things will make some difference to you

• Google natural ways to boost oxytocin levels/reform hormone levels
• Focus on recharging (energy levels). Good sleep, good nutrition, solar power (vitamin D), hydro power (water), constructive inspiration and things to look forward are just some of what gives us energy. Sleep deprivation for a start can be depressing, impacting body, mind and spirit
• Watch out for people who can bring you down. A lot of them may think they're helping when in fact they're being depressing. Example: Had issues breast feeding both my babies. I had lots of people saying 'You need to try harder'. Tried so hard to the point I was barely getting any sleep. Feed then express (for stimulation) then repeat and repeat. Should have been feed with formula then sleep, repeat. With mind altering sleep deprivation, bleeding nipples and a massive sense of failure on top of it all, my mum insisted I stop. Again, bless her
• With the suicidal thoughts, this one's a challenge. Any time you feel like you want to die, imagine these thoughts are really saying 'There's a part of you that you need to 'kill off''. It pays to wonder which part. If you imagine we're somewhat comprised of beliefs instilled by others, each belief that has come to define you (if not constructive) needs to go. If these beliefs remain, they slowly destroy you. You can feel the destruction on a soulful level
• Pick your 'go to' people carefully, people who will serve you in the ways you need to be served. You deserve service and respect, you've just grown a human being

🙂