A week

[felix mendelssohn]

I've gone a week without an alcoholic binge.

I can't deal with the torrent of negative thoughts, the feelings of worthlessness and the utter hopelessness when considering the future. I don't know how to deal with this responsibly. I can't just keep soaking my brain in liquor indefinitely. Over the past couple of years I've used several meds for extended periods with some mild relief but the side effects are real. I feel as though I'm not treated seriously by my psychiatrist and psychologist, probably because I smile and present decently, and this in a twisted way allures me towards externalising my turmoil in a way that is more extreme and noticeable. It seems to me the correct and proper paths to improvement have been explored and have proven fruitless. Not sure what else to do. Maybe things need to get worse in order to get better or is this just demented depressive logic?

Felix

[smallwolf]

sorry to hear you are struggling at the moment. It sounds like you drink as a way to 'numb' the pain of the negative thoughts.

when were you last here? I noticed your post count is 59.

And then after a drinking episode the thoughts are still present? I read you feel hat you feel you are not considered seriously by your professional help. And fwiw I also try to present decently and smile, and that is because I want to look normal - whatever that means.

I am curious what you mean here

"the correct and proper paths to improvement have been explored"

what are or were the correct and proper paths?

my issues started in my youth, and there are experiences that made me who I am today and some of these are triggers to negative thoughts.I have had to write letters to my younger self. Find things to be thankful for each day, worksheets on values etc.

Can I ask what sort of support you have beside the psychiatrist and psychologist? Are there people you can talk to between sessions?

I also use apps on my phone as well and read things that might help me.

I don't want to make too many suggestions and I sense the frustration you feel regarding the help, or lack thereof, and would like to hear more of your story before opening my mouth too much. At the same time, I will also reply to your posts.

Peace to you

[felix mendelssohn]

Hi smallwolf and thanks for responding.

Been on the forums for about a year but I'm not consistently active.

After drinking I tend to feel very drained; the physical effects are more acute than the mental, which is something I can focus on I guess. If I'm nauseous and vomiting I'm not so much thinking about how much of a burden on society I am, I'm instead just focusing on how to feel better in that moment. After I've recovered the thoughts resume and the pressure once again starts mounting. While I'm drinking there's a window of actual positivity and a euphoria which is otherwise unattainable.

Yeah I don't feel like I'm treated seriously tbh. Last time I saw the psychiatrist I tried to really explain how I felt about and viewed myself, and he said words to the effect of "if you actually believe that I will put you on anti-psychotics, but I don't think you need that". Follow through with that logic and it just means he thinks I'm lying.

By correct and proper paths I mean doing what everything in society seems to recommend. Seeing psychologists and psychiatrists, trying and following through with courses of medication, exercise and meditation and so on.

I get what you're saying in that this sort of experience shapes who you become and I think this can maybe be made into a positive thing that confers lifelong resilience but at the same time I'm poisoning my brain and stunting its development so bleh.

I really don't have very much to support myself between sessions. I have recently dropped out of postgrad uni. Uni was a source of a lot of trouble, but without it I'm idle and without purpose, haemorrhaging cash as I pay for rent. I don't feel comfortable discussing this stuff with other people (without the blanket of anonymity). My family are pretty emotionally repressed and will gossip about stuff to do with other family members, so I have no confidence in them to treat anything with discretion. I only have a few people I'd consider friends but it's just so personal and private and I've dealt with this on my own for so long, I don't want to share this stuff with them.

Tired, frustrated, need to break the cycle

[Sophie_M]

Hey Felix,

Thank you so much for reaching out to the forums tonight, we know it's really not an easy thing to do when you're feeling so low. We can hear your frustration and disappointment in feeling like you're not taken seriously, which we imagine must be so difficult to cope with. But please know that many others reading here can relate to what you're going through, and understand just how difficult this journey can be in finding the right support to feel better. You're not alone here, and our caring community are here to help you through this.

We'd also really encourage you to reach out for some extra support between sessions whenever you need to, as we know it can be especially tough feeling unable to talk to family or friends about what you're going through. Please know that the friendly counsellors at our Support Service are always here for you, 24/7 on 1300 22 4636, as well as through online chat (3pm-12am AEST) at: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport  We'd also really encourage you to reach out to our friends at Lifeline (13 11 14) and the Suicide Call Back Service (1300 659 467) who are available anytime, day or night, as often as you need whenever things are feeling like too much to cope with.

We're all here to help you through this Felix, and we hope that you can continue finding some comfort and advice from our lovely community.